Well its getting late...

I haven't updated in a monsterous long time. I have no idea why. I haven't been really *busy* persay, but honestly I can't remember.

I can't remember a lot of things lately. I was thinking about it the other day, my childhood has become like some story I heard from a friend about their cousin. It doesn't seem like it was mine, I can't remember it, that little girl; she isn't me, I have grown so far away from her. I wish I could meet her and just understand who she was, but everything now is so different. I wish I could remember her story better. But yeah, its depressing, I've lost my childhood at the ripe age of 16. Yikes.

Other stuff has brought me down, I don't know why.

My aunt and uncle are here with us for the weekend, its been ok, we've gone to do things and eaten at good restaurants. My dad and uncle look a lot alike, I never noticed it before. You can really tell they are brothers, I wish I could have known them growing up. Its a really great feeling that rushes over me whenever they just start laughing their asses off about something that happened "way back when."

Its so cold in my house, my fingers are near frozen.

Today I finished 2 LJ layouts, mine, and this other girl's (the_shopaholic).. I'm quite pleased with both. I think mine is dorky though. Read what my links say and you will totally agree. I'm working on this Orlando Bloom one right now for someone else, I sort of have an idea for it, but I'm not so sure. I've cut out like.. a dozen pictures and I'm just fiddling (as I always do) till I get a spark. Ah.. inspiration is a lengthy process. That's why I'm such an insomniac; its the combination of insomnia, desperation, and totally confusion that fuses my ideas. I like the night, I'm generally the only one up, its just me, myself, and I. I do lots of thinking.

I'm TOTALLY FREEZING MY ASS OFF!!! Why the heck is our house soooo collllld.... ;_;!

In very very past news, I got my class rank, I was VERY disappointed.. but my mom called Ms. Skelly to find out how far I was away from the next grouping, it turns out less that a tenth of a point. LMFAO.. its so my fault, my GPA dropped like.. a few hundreths. Whatever, I was soooo close to an A in Pre-Cal, what a waste. That stupid final was such a cluster fuck. All I needed was an A.. to get an A. Ack.. oh well. I always B my way through Latin. Yargh. Oh, and don't get me started on AP English.. I was like... ready to go to church (haha.. not quite) because I got a SOLID B.. I was like... hoping for a high C. That was a miracle.

Ms. Fritsch thinks I should try for AP Government next year. I have the average (like a 96.. history is soooo durrrrr.. especially our class). I just need to participate more. Hm.. I don't understand participation. You know, that is the same exact thing Dr. Novo told me when I wanted to move to H English. I needed to participate more. People don't understand how much my introvertedness is like a plague. I wish I could just cure it and be all happy and frolick-y like the rest of the so-called "normal people". Forever I have this lingering memory of health class, when Sr. Jane was talking to us about personality stuff. She had all the introverts come up and "discuss what we would do if she gave us Friday off of school," we all sort of stood around, and toed the ground. It was humiliating; we were on display. I felt like I was behind glass and she was reading the sign on our cage to her tour group. "Here are the introverts, look how they do not socialize with eachother. Note their nervous, twitchy behavior." Then the extrovers (90% of the class get up) and they excitedly ramble about going to the mall and buying shoes, etc. etc. We had like, the yuppiest of the yuppy girls in our health class. WHATEVER! BACK TO THE POINT. I can't help my personality type, I can't help it that I don't feel like contributing to the POINTLESS conversation we have in class. Our class is so stupid, one day we spent like 10 minutes arguing over the existance of buffalo burgers. HRM.. WOW.. IM SURE DISCUSSING THAT QUALIFIES ME FOR AP. I don't distract the class, I maintain my average, I understand every frikkin' word in our stupid book. I'm so frustrated. If she called on me with a HISTORY RELATED QUESTION, I would answer her. But as far as volunteering to participate in class discussion of buffalo burgers and Hell island that she visited on her vacation, uhm.. I don't think so.

I'm really tired. I'm going to go crawl into the fetal position and sleep for 12 hours.

I am the Hobo.

This weekend has been so wasted, yet so not.. I don't know how to describe the perfect weekend..

Wait, no, "x" that, "endless," that is the perfect weekend..

Weekends are stranged, while they happen sometimes you just can't find enough things to do to pass the time, but you are almost always sad when they end.

I have an english paper due Monday, I REALLY don't want to do it, no kidding. I haven't so much started it, I usualy wait till the last minute, you know, the insomnia & desperation cocktail that isth my fuel. Today, I feel ultra last minute, seeing as its 10:30. Usually I'd hit the books 8-9ish, usually stuff calms down right about then, or is about to. My uncle and aunt being here, has pushed things back several hours, people stopped whooping and screaming like 5 minutes ago. Usually I would hide in my room on my god-forsaken laptop and type away, but I don't have a room to hide in right now. I can't tell you how much I miss having "my space".. I can't take screaming and yelling, I can't work when there are other things to do. I think I will flunk out of college first quarter.

Papers suck so much, we always have them "due" on a Monday, so everyone is in a total frenzy the night before. She always gives us a peer-edit day, always, but never tells us. So its like, what if she decided NOT to give us one, then we would be soooo SOL. All in all, everyone does their papers, and they are all in all typed and pretty with proper heading in 12 pt Times New Roman, in their respective section folders by 8 AM. Every H AP English 3 eye is saggy the next day because everyone has been up between 3-6ish, sometimes earlier, working on essays. Haha. Its funny how everyone does it, even the EXTREME FEW, who start ahead of time, but it makes sense. The extreme perfectionists who have enough drive to start ahead of time, they are up to the wee-hours making sure every period and comma is placed correctly. They are a wild breed. I have my potential. Yep. I'M FILTHY RICH WITH POTENTIAL. That's what I tell everyone, and that's my pride and joy, "Yep.. I got me lots o' potential." Now, I don't say it like that, because a potential-filled person does not come with hickdom, but that is a totally different story. All in all, I could be anything I fucking want, and I know that. But some not-so wise person, left it up to me to make the choices here. I could have been a straight A student, I could have my 4.0, I could be way up there with the other girls. Those stupid, tight-assed snobby elitist brats, except Niki and a few others ^.^ but their are a few. I could be like them, and NOT BE CHEATING MY ASS OFF. Sorry, bitterness.. oh so much bitterness. I could be on the fast track to med school, I could study for 12 hours and make 100s on everything. I could read in every spare minute of my time. I could keep everything in perfect order, I could never watch TV, I could be perfect. But, I choose not to be. There is something EXTREMELY humbling with that. I choose not to be the best, I'm choosing not to consume my life with that stuff. I'm sorta cruising through, I feel like a fuck-up sometimes.. I feel too lazy sometimes.. but I guess I'm not too bad, I do have a 3.7. Sure, that isn't fantastic... but considering some girls work till their fingers bleed and steam comes out their ears, and they can only get a 3.3 or something... I think I'm doing pretty well for myself.

When will people learn that the most out of control hormonal years are between high school and college and those are the years that all of our futures are "dependent" on. Its cruel and ironic how it all works out. I think its sad how we are forced to work against nature to focus and keep determined. When did all of this happen? Some thousands of years back, I would have several children and be gathering berries for a living. Now, life revolves around papers and studying and getting in to colleges and then finding careers. Things are so complicated. I was talking to my uncle and he is a big anti-ritalin activist. You know, Ritalin, the stuff they give to people with a "chemical inbalance" to help them "focus" on what's "important." WOW! They haven't found that chemical, they aren't balancing that chemical. They are just giving children a mild dose of SPEED, to make everyone's lives easier. No, forget giving kids more attention, or trying to teach them in a more effective way. LET'S PUT 'EM ON DRUGS AND POSSIBILY SCREW THEM UP FOR LIFE. Hold on a second, I just totally lost my train of thought here, how did I start talking about ritalin. Haha, I'm so prone to tangents, yargh. Oh well.. I still have that paper to write start.

Anyway, all in all. I do not want to write this thing. I hate how its important to my life. I hate how I made that "choice" not to start sooner. I hate and resent many things these days.. ah, the constant joys of adolescence.