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transomwhiplassI'm so unhappy right now, there is nothing to describe it. Every single one of my worlds is in crisis and I can only sit and watch as they crash.
School:
Collectively, meaning makeup work and in the next 2 days, I must take:
- 2 English Vocab Quizzes
- 2 English Reading Quizzes
- 2 Latin Vocab Quizzes
- 1 Physics Test
- 1 Pre-Calculus Test
- Write 1 Article for the paper
Problem: Haven't studied or done one of them. My teachers are relentless, they tried to shove as many things as possible before retreat and they are doing the same thing pre-thanksgiving. I'll be giving thanks if I haven't died by that day.
Friends: A few minutes ago, nothing (more than usual) was wrong with the sector. Alex, I'm worried about you and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry you couldn't come that day and I know it totally sucks to hear about something that was fun that you missed. I know. I missed Niki's cookie party to go to a funeral. I miss countless things. We need to accept our previous engagements and accept that sometimes we will miss doing things we'd rather be doing. I know its not nice to "brag". But I really didn't feel Mizu was bragging rather than explaining her day and putting it in record in her journal. Remember? This is a journal.. you put things in it about what you do. I'm really sorry you couldn't go, I really wish you were there, but don't turn this into something. We will do something totally fantastic soon, promise. Also, btw, stop blaming yourself for the problems... its not you and I am not saying this to comfort you. Its 100% true... you did relatively nothing to upset the group. For most of last year I barely knew you were there, as sad as that is. Stop blaming yourself now, thats an order.
Self: I look at the mirror and I want to scream at myself. I want to shatter the reflection. I'm so angry, granted, it could be hormones, but I have never felt worse about myself then right now. Its so frustrating and I have no one to blame but me and I am at that point of wanting to kill the person at fault, or strangle them. But that person is me. I have no idea what to do, this is not a suicide thing or whatever.. I promise. If it was my sister pushing me around, I'd smack her, make her cry, and walk away, that would be the end of it. But I've dug myself into a pit, I'm so far down I can't see the light.
I'm so scared right now and I need to go work or something, I have no idea where to start. Why does the shit officially hit the fan at 11:30 Sunday night when there is nothing I can possibly do to *fix* the situation. I'm in crisis. And merry-fuck-me, Ms. Smith is harrassing me about the lunch menu for the internet that I was supposed to do. Of course I didn't volunteer, but its my turn. Great... this reminds me of the other day in journalism. Some girl said, "are we doing an artist of the issue?" Ms. Babcock "Oh yes... hopefully we can get a picture *mumble mumble*" (something I couldn't hear from across the room) Refering to me, the girl who didn't get a picture till the last day of layout. Not even from the person, but off the internet. Her words burned like acid in the eyes. I'm freaking out in Pre-Calculus... my grade is horrible I'm sure... I've had 2 test grades 83 & 65... hip hip hooray. I may not even make my 84 for the quarter. The clock ticks away and more and more dirt gets piled on my grave. Where to go, what to do, tempus fugit. St. Agnes is full of conspiracy, there is no mercy. If only they realized what they do to us. I felt closer to certain teachers at the retreat, they sunk to our level after thourough brainwashing, in my opinion. But the workload suddenly reminds me of what all goes on. I need to define English vocab. Shit.
Did I mention that I missed two orchestra concerts? Mr. Hernandez is probably going to kill me tomorrow afternoon, if I'm alive by then. Not slaughtered by the workload... that would be funny. A martyr of St. Agnes.. something like that.. can stress kill you? I know it can cause stuff that will kill you... grrrrr...... its cruel and ununsual. No one understands the education system. WHY THE FUCK would you EVER put THE HARDEST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL as the most critical year??? WHY?? I know its probably most critical because its the hardest, but why can't we get slack?? St. Agnes should have special holidays for juniors who are freaking out, like me. Its also the year with the most raging hormones and wacked out everything. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?? DEPRIVE A GROWING CHILD OF SLEEP?? STRESS OUT THE BODY, PROMOTE BAD EATING PATTERNS??? I swear... this nation gets fuller and fuller of smarter children than ever before.. education levels are way up, colleges are pickier than ever. Yet, we try to kill children at earlier ages. The stress now will kill us earier. Our nerves will be shot by our 40s. Its screwed up and I really need to tear myself off the computer....
School:
Collectively, meaning makeup work and in the next 2 days, I must take:
- 2 English Vocab Quizzes
- 2 English Reading Quizzes
- 2 Latin Vocab Quizzes
- 1 Physics Test
- 1 Pre-Calculus Test
- Write 1 Article for the paper
Problem: Haven't studied or done one of them. My teachers are relentless, they tried to shove as many things as possible before retreat and they are doing the same thing pre-thanksgiving. I'll be giving thanks if I haven't died by that day.
Friends: A few minutes ago, nothing (more than usual) was wrong with the sector. Alex, I'm worried about you and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry you couldn't come that day and I know it totally sucks to hear about something that was fun that you missed. I know. I missed Niki's cookie party to go to a funeral. I miss countless things. We need to accept our previous engagements and accept that sometimes we will miss doing things we'd rather be doing. I know its not nice to "brag". But I really didn't feel Mizu was bragging rather than explaining her day and putting it in record in her journal. Remember? This is a journal.. you put things in it about what you do. I'm really sorry you couldn't go, I really wish you were there, but don't turn this into something. We will do something totally fantastic soon, promise. Also, btw, stop blaming yourself for the problems... its not you and I am not saying this to comfort you. Its 100% true... you did relatively nothing to upset the group. For most of last year I barely knew you were there, as sad as that is. Stop blaming yourself now, thats an order.
Self: I look at the mirror and I want to scream at myself. I want to shatter the reflection. I'm so angry, granted, it could be hormones, but I have never felt worse about myself then right now. Its so frustrating and I have no one to blame but me and I am at that point of wanting to kill the person at fault, or strangle them. But that person is me. I have no idea what to do, this is not a suicide thing or whatever.. I promise. If it was my sister pushing me around, I'd smack her, make her cry, and walk away, that would be the end of it. But I've dug myself into a pit, I'm so far down I can't see the light.
I'm so scared right now and I need to go work or something, I have no idea where to start. Why does the shit officially hit the fan at 11:30 Sunday night when there is nothing I can possibly do to *fix* the situation. I'm in crisis. And merry-fuck-me, Ms. Smith is harrassing me about the lunch menu for the internet that I was supposed to do. Of course I didn't volunteer, but its my turn. Great... this reminds me of the other day in journalism. Some girl said, "are we doing an artist of the issue?" Ms. Babcock "Oh yes... hopefully we can get a picture *mumble mumble*" (something I couldn't hear from across the room) Refering to me, the girl who didn't get a picture till the last day of layout. Not even from the person, but off the internet. Her words burned like acid in the eyes. I'm freaking out in Pre-Calculus... my grade is horrible I'm sure... I've had 2 test grades 83 & 65... hip hip hooray. I may not even make my 84 for the quarter. The clock ticks away and more and more dirt gets piled on my grave. Where to go, what to do, tempus fugit. St. Agnes is full of conspiracy, there is no mercy. If only they realized what they do to us. I felt closer to certain teachers at the retreat, they sunk to our level after thourough brainwashing, in my opinion. But the workload suddenly reminds me of what all goes on. I need to define English vocab. Shit.
Did I mention that I missed two orchestra concerts? Mr. Hernandez is probably going to kill me tomorrow afternoon, if I'm alive by then. Not slaughtered by the workload... that would be funny. A martyr of St. Agnes.. something like that.. can stress kill you? I know it can cause stuff that will kill you... grrrrr...... its cruel and ununsual. No one understands the education system. WHY THE FUCK would you EVER put THE HARDEST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL as the most critical year??? WHY?? I know its probably most critical because its the hardest, but why can't we get slack?? St. Agnes should have special holidays for juniors who are freaking out, like me. Its also the year with the most raging hormones and wacked out everything. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?? DEPRIVE A GROWING CHILD OF SLEEP?? STRESS OUT THE BODY, PROMOTE BAD EATING PATTERNS??? I swear... this nation gets fuller and fuller of smarter children than ever before.. education levels are way up, colleges are pickier than ever. Yet, we try to kill children at earlier ages. The stress now will kill us earier. Our nerves will be shot by our 40s. Its screwed up and I really need to tear myself off the computer....
