transomwhiplass

In the last 4 hours I have found this statement to be remarkably true....
the combination....

We went to dinner and I could not get my dad's attention for a second.... one second.... he didn't care that I was home.. he didn't care... he was too wound up talking to my brothers. It's always about my brothers... always.... they don't want to do boy scouts so "they have to find something else to 'be experts at'" why has he never cared that much about what I do or even DON'T DO.. I sunk down 7 notches.... I did everything I could to get attention.... when I finally got him talking to me.... he wants me to make a database for boy scout stuff on the troop website ... my mom butts in about some program and if he'd ever used it before and she would show him something from her old work sometime and blah blah blah until I finally screamed "Thanks Mom! I FINALLY GOT HIS ATTENTION"... I made my task obvious but I felt so shitty. Look what I have to resort to in order to get my dad's attention. I think he would like me better if I was a boy.... he is scared of older girls from what I can tell.... its like he doesn't know how to love me anymore and that hurts so much... my dad doesn't know how to love me... he doesn't know how to talk to me... he thinks I'm a different person because I'm a teenage girl..... and its not true.... because I'm not typical..... I'm not shopping oriented or stuff like that.... I make it clear that I want to learn how to do important stuff.. stuff he wants to teach my brothers.... when I volunteer.. he ignores me and starts harrassing anthony about not wanting to be a boy scout...

you can't live with them..

on the ride home... anthony started screaming that I "had to get all the attention" and I was "such a bitch" and he started making jokes about me.... and everyone laughed.... I just turned and looked out the window and started to cry... he doesn't realize that he is the focus of my dad's world...

you can't live without them..

before we got to the restaurant... my mom said that they went to dinner while I was gone and saw someone I knew in elementary school... I hated elementary school and most of the people in it... so I gave out a really unenthusiastic "who?" my mom brightly replies "he drives a red jeep!" well... he and jeep... enter person of my childhood..... one of my best friends at one point... yes a boy.. and had practically forgotten his existance.... anyway.... they went to the most neighborhoody of the neighborhoody restaurants in the area where local teenagers seem to work.... and guess who works there now..... yeah... ok... so big deal....... no.... but apparently he asked where I was and where I was going to school.... and that tooooootally threw me... we went to middle school together and he was sort of "cool" you know... in on the trends and stuff.. he joined the football team like 55% of the guys did (I'm serious, in middle school we had teams A-F, it was a no-cut sport) but, he made A team or B team? I don't remember. Key Words: out of his league. But we used to bum around at our younger brother's baseball games and stuff.... it was along time ago but I had a crush on him and amusingly I remember my mom telling me one time when I didn't go to a game that he came up "Mrs. Oaks? Is Sarah here?" de ja vous.... anywayyyyy.... so yeah.... someone remembered me.... someone I haven't talked to in so long cared... no one remembers me... my friends who were girls don't remember me.... but this one guy did.... it made me realize that some of my best realtionships HAVE been with guys.... examples

Chicago: The entire time I was there my best friends were the Joshes (yes.. thats plural) from play pre-school to 3rd grade... we did everything together.... I was totally into teenage mutant ninja turtles... I wasn't afraid to get dirty... but I wasn't ever a true "tomboy" I mean... I went as girly things for halloween... while they went as guy things.... bride vs. ninja, princess vs. commando .... but I moved away.... that summer I went back for sailing camp and it was as if I had never left.. we just picked up where we had left off..... I remember... in 5th grade as my "10th birthday present" I got to fly back and I went with my best friend at the time, Megan Swiech who now goes to SAA and I never talk to... because she was from Chicago too... and we had been leading completely parallel lives...almost.... she was rich.. and an only child... but those were the only two things.... mid-trip she went to see her grandparents and I got to see my favorite Josh, my mom and I called him big-josh behind his back.... so I went to see him... but stuff had changed.. were weren't as close... or at least I didn't feel it.... but I he got really excited when my mom suggested I spend the night... x.X;; which I did.. and that was weird because he had school the next day and we didn't do anything..... but..... yeah... did I mention that I told him I was in love with him in 1st grade?? I don't think he remembered but err..... it was wierd... last time I saw him was when my great uncle died.... he is like.. 6'4 and like.... an alter boy... I haven't talked to him but I wonder if he will be a priest..... anyway.... so yeah....

second example is the guy from above who was my base-ball buddy...

third example was J.D., end of 5th grade..... we were SO cool... at least we thought so.... 5th graders.. top of the school.... we were SO into 4-square.... his mom was the violin teacher and he was totally incredible at the violin (still is... his dad is the principal at H.S.P.V.A, school for the preforming and visual arts, where he attends)... like... for people who understand violin-stuff.... he was book 4 that year..5th grade.... so anyway...... he was good... and he was my best friend.... that year.... at "fiddlers fair" our last year at camp for violin people.... all the 5th graders sat at one table and harrassed all the younger kids... we pulled pranks.... life was great.. until the last day of camp at the pool party.... I told him I liked him.... he was amused and couldn't believe it... he called me later to confirm that... I could never tell what he meant.... he was either flattered or enjoyed the ego boost..... well... yeah.... he went to speeeecial school for violin for middle school.... byeeeeeeeeeee

ok.... so there is my fatal flaw right there.... clear and obvious....

here is an FYI... it happened in high school, sort of.... he wasn't my best friend and I never told him.... but once I realized "I liked him" stuff was different... I could never act the same.... I don't look at him anymore....

my life is such a disaster...... hrmmm..... lol.... I haven't talked about the retreat yeeeet..... wellll..... I'll get to that later... this was a post of self-reflection! If you read it give yourself a pat on the back!!

heeeehhhhhhhhh...... a boy asked about meeeeeeeeeeee........... course I was a cute spunky thing back then..... blah.. im so 57UP1D