*mutter*

[transomwhiplass]

hm.. I planned out this post so well but now I feel I am a loss for words.. x.X oh well.. I guess I will just update my happenings.. this is my.. third night? yeah.. that sounds right.. ok so today.. woke up @ 10.. watched MTV music videos till 11.. went to Marshall Fields and the "Walnut Room" my favorite eatery as a child... they had good kid plates.. now for adults everything is garnished and fancy and doesnt fit my incredibly immature tastebuds that would rather have a burger n' fries or chicken over lobster, steak, quiche, or caviar.. haha.. I could never be a socialite.. oh well.. I don't think its much of a loss.. I decided that since I was here with my grandma.. I would try to get her out as much as possible this week and do things she wanted to do rather than what I want.. its not like I dont get to get out and do stuff at home .. well actually I dont.. but anyway she hasnt gotten out much since my great uncle died.. she cant drive.. she used to be.. just so vibrant.. I mean you would never think she was as old as she was.. but.. over the last 4 years.. life just seems to have caught up with her.. and its hard to realize that she is getting more fragile.. diabetes has taken its toll on feeling in her fingers and she recently had to get a hearing aid (a very nice one that hides inside.. she has enough money for it) but it seems to be a tumble to her ego.. I dont know whats worse, that or and actual tumble to her person.. chicago is not the nicest of places.. I am always worried she will trip on some pavement or something (today I took a nasty fall off the bus -.-;; .. I was impatient because this stupid massive old women decided to jump in front of me to get off, so while I am waiting for her and her cane to take each step one by one I was dying to hop off.. I pulled a Kerri Strugg.. lmao.. oh well.. it didnt hurt after like 10 seconds... but I bruised my ego in a bad way.. haha.. I am sucha dumbass) yeah so back to my grandma.. I worry the pavement will get her or some punk or homeless person.. sometimes at home when I think about her 1000 miles away from us with a few friends that live outside the city.. I almost want to cry.. my deepest fear is for her to break a hip.. I know it would kill her.. not right away.. but inside and outside.. the injury would make her body deteriorate but the inability to do any thing for herself would kill her inside.. I wouldn't be able to bear it.. I have this thing about always having to take care of everyone, I think it comes from being the oldest child.. I feel that as long as I am with someone, I can protect them but the second I am away.. I always worry something horrible will happen.. I scare myself to death thinking about it because (the same as other things, like whether I did something or not)the more I think about the possibility.. the more I convince myself it will or did happen.. I am always worried she will fall when I am away.. but as long as I am here, I can hold her arm and feel able to catch her if she did.. while I have been here.. my dad has been sick.. he was before I left.. but I felt that if something happened I would be ready to jump on things and take care of him.. now I am here.. I was worried for a while he had pneumonia and was going to die or something ... gah.. oh well.. I just.. I can feel she is scared something might happen to herself too.. when walking home, some rather loud guys behind us kept getting closer and closer but they never passed.. I felt her grab my arm and pull closer.. I felt sad and sick at the same time.. I mean.. when I am gone.. who will she hold onto when she is scared.. ... .... .. well.. I am sure you have probably had enough will my worrying.. lets see.. oh! I saw a movie >.>.. x.x monster's ball.. well.. I have at least 1 thing to say about it: never go with your grandma.. it wasnt my idea to see it but.. well she was interested in how Halle Berry got the nomination.. it was one of those "thinking" movies.. kinda artsy.. but not really... it didnt matter we really couldnt enjoy it.. she was embaressed and I was embaressed.. I mean.. there was this prostitute and she would like come in and be all "hi so-and-so, how is so-and-so" while she is pulling her clothes off in front of the camera then she would turn around and the guy would be on her from behind.. I mean BLECH.. ok.. so it was alright.. but never and I mean NEVER.. see it with your grandma.. ok? ^_~ ... hm.. I am going to find something to do.. this post is long enough already.. - Sammeh