i think the ceiling will fall.
Oct. 28th, 2002 10:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassI'm not so sure what to do. I'm back at that point. That point where I just feel so in the dark, I feel lost, I'm so lost I can't even find myself. A few minutes I was triggered, not to self-destructive behavior... well at least on the outside. I'm seeing that more and more in myself, just a word. I'm pathetic.. I hear the word, "rice" no matter what context and I immediately proceed in internally yelling at myself. I hear "rice" and I flinch. There are a number of other words, but that is just one. As the days tick down, I am expected to find myself, or at least gain enough vision so I can make an assumption about what will make me happy for the rest of my life. How fucked up is the world? You make your some of you most life-effecting decisions, when you are wacked out on, as my driver's ed teacher so fondly put it, "teeny bopper hormones."
I have no inclination to anything I want, ever. My parents are constantly frustrated because I don't even know what I want for dinner. I can't make up my mind, I have no idea, and/or I don't care. I want someone to choose for me. I don't want this responsiblity. Why am I forced into this? I can't tell you want I want, but I can tell you what I don't want. I don't want to be poor and I don't want go to college in Montana. I can tick off a number of things I don't want, but there are still so many choices.
Whenever I do think that I have found what I want, I set myself back, something is in my way. Freshman year I would have sold my soul to get into pre-med. I wanted to be a doctor with my entire essence, I was able to focus my energy towards that. I like certain aspects of the job, but as I examined it, I realized how important having a family and having time for them was. I had no idea how important, living and having free time was important to me. I realized that being a doctor wasn't a good choice for the fundamental want I found in myself. So there.. I have one thing I know that I want. A family. But I know I need something more, I will be your next valium addicted homemaker if thats all I'm left with. I was thinking about graphic design lately, but there are 12 year olds... 12 year olds with websites that totally stump my own. But thinking about it, I know what I want. I want to be the best at what I do, I want what I do to earn money: lots of it, I want to wield power. I don't know how much I want happiness. I'm sure somewhere down I do, but I don't know. I mean, I can't remember the last time I was honestly, just happy. Experiences warp a child, I see that with myself. Each year I crawl farther and farther back into my shell. I'm too afraid of getting a bad look, bothering someone, even just being the object of a somewhat negative thought in someone's mind. I apologize to the freshmen who slam into me in the hallway. I feel sorry for occupying space. I don't know what's happened to me. I look back to things I've done, mostly getting up in front of people and I wonder, how the hell did I do that? Was I high? Was I so delirious with youth? I'm embarressed for things that happened in 6th grade that I totally wasn't ashamed of then.
Sometimes I feel accused for shying away from people. I don't want to. I would wish myself extroverted I would wish myself to be the opposite of myself in a second. I am trying every second, but nothing works. I can't help it anymore than water can help from being wet. I feel stuck inside myself and I want out so bad. Today in the car I had like, 8 near death experiences taking the tollroad home, huuge mistake by the way. I blinked, and came 8 inches away from seriously rear-ending a cadillac on bellaire. Several experiences later, I was trying to get to my exit and people kept blocking me off. I was stuck on the road and all the sudden, the sky began to dump. All I could see was the end of the green Tacoma in front of me. Thank you something for that beacon of hope... I managed to follow it up the ramp and onto the Katy Freeway. But the whole way on the tollraod, I just kept screaming profanities. I was so worried about wrecking and it was raining, it was terrifying. I remember a lot of the f-word and screaming "I WANT OUT!!" and "GET ME OFF THIS ROAD!!!" They became my, sort of, manic-mantras. But thinking about it, that is how my whole life feels. I just want out. No.. this is totally not a suicide thing or whatever. I just want out of this line of life. I want to start over. I don't want to be me anymore. She has totally reached the end of her line. She is getting no where and she is driving herself into the ground. I need to find my path, I need to find my beat-up-green-tacoma in my life. Just that hope, something to follow. Something to grasp onto, a guide off the crazy road through the blinding rain. I need something to take me to the exit, where I want to be. Where I was screaming to get to... that's what I want.
So while the ceiling begins to straing and the beams begin to crash around me, I'm stuck in place, just watching. Its coming down, I know it. Its like a nightmare when you want to run, you want to scream but something is holding you. Like a giant hand gripping you. All you can to is watch panic-stricken as danger comes to swallow you. For some reason, I just can't wake up out of my nightmare. Thats what this is, this isn't life, its a nightmare and I've watched, panic-striken long enough.
I need to make changes, I need to figure out how. I have to find my "green tacoma." Sarah needs to change, all together. She isn't holding the ceiling up well enough. I made a few goals that I've sort of ignored. They seem reasonable, but they are just desperate battleplans for me. But again, their is the giant hand gripping me. I want things so bad and I want them right now. For some reason, I don't want them bad enough to work for them. I need to break that boundary or I won't get anything done. I've lined up a few things for myself with the one rule. Regret nothing. I've done enough regretting to fill 19 life times. I've regretted being born. I've regretted word choice. I've regretted outfit choice in years past, that I wasn't ashamed of then. I've regretted not saying hi. I've regretted fights. I've regretted my regretting. I need to stop this all together, here an now. From now on, I must regret nothing. If I feel like regretting something, too damn bad. If I'm living life to my fullest and best, I won't have to. I need to learn from my mistakes. Instead of avoiding the issues of my past, I have to get around them. So here are my goals, I guess pretty typical, but whatever, more for my own documentation.
Life Under No Regrets
-Have a really fantastic 20s. Live it up so much it will last a life time. Live it so well you will be proud, but not so well that you will miss it to the point of depression once it passes.
-Find the green tacoma.
-Work for you want. Want it so bad you will work to get it, not just wish for it so much in the present.
-Don't be ashamed for existing. Ever.
-Kick some ass at some point.
-Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.
-Don't ever let someone else take your reason for existing away.
-Bascially all in all, if you regret something, that something has got to change ASAP. Want that change. Want to fix it.
-Never give up hope.
-You can survive anything except certain accidents and well, morbid things.
Thats all I can think of now. But I think I have helped myself. I do sort of know what I want. Unfortunately, it doesn't make any decisions any easier. I still have to pick a college. I have to pick a career. And I gotta find a way to stop hyperventilating at hearing words that remind me of these very important decisions and whenever I find someone better than me. If I can't be the best perston at something existing. I will just have to make something up and take it from there.
I have no inclination to anything I want, ever. My parents are constantly frustrated because I don't even know what I want for dinner. I can't make up my mind, I have no idea, and/or I don't care. I want someone to choose for me. I don't want this responsiblity. Why am I forced into this? I can't tell you want I want, but I can tell you what I don't want. I don't want to be poor and I don't want go to college in Montana. I can tick off a number of things I don't want, but there are still so many choices.
Whenever I do think that I have found what I want, I set myself back, something is in my way. Freshman year I would have sold my soul to get into pre-med. I wanted to be a doctor with my entire essence, I was able to focus my energy towards that. I like certain aspects of the job, but as I examined it, I realized how important having a family and having time for them was. I had no idea how important, living and having free time was important to me. I realized that being a doctor wasn't a good choice for the fundamental want I found in myself. So there.. I have one thing I know that I want. A family. But I know I need something more, I will be your next valium addicted homemaker if thats all I'm left with. I was thinking about graphic design lately, but there are 12 year olds... 12 year olds with websites that totally stump my own. But thinking about it, I know what I want. I want to be the best at what I do, I want what I do to earn money: lots of it, I want to wield power. I don't know how much I want happiness. I'm sure somewhere down I do, but I don't know. I mean, I can't remember the last time I was honestly, just happy. Experiences warp a child, I see that with myself. Each year I crawl farther and farther back into my shell. I'm too afraid of getting a bad look, bothering someone, even just being the object of a somewhat negative thought in someone's mind. I apologize to the freshmen who slam into me in the hallway. I feel sorry for occupying space. I don't know what's happened to me. I look back to things I've done, mostly getting up in front of people and I wonder, how the hell did I do that? Was I high? Was I so delirious with youth? I'm embarressed for things that happened in 6th grade that I totally wasn't ashamed of then.
Sometimes I feel accused for shying away from people. I don't want to. I would wish myself extroverted I would wish myself to be the opposite of myself in a second. I am trying every second, but nothing works. I can't help it anymore than water can help from being wet. I feel stuck inside myself and I want out so bad. Today in the car I had like, 8 near death experiences taking the tollroad home, huuge mistake by the way. I blinked, and came 8 inches away from seriously rear-ending a cadillac on bellaire. Several experiences later, I was trying to get to my exit and people kept blocking me off. I was stuck on the road and all the sudden, the sky began to dump. All I could see was the end of the green Tacoma in front of me. Thank you something for that beacon of hope... I managed to follow it up the ramp and onto the Katy Freeway. But the whole way on the tollraod, I just kept screaming profanities. I was so worried about wrecking and it was raining, it was terrifying. I remember a lot of the f-word and screaming "I WANT OUT!!" and "GET ME OFF THIS ROAD!!!" They became my, sort of, manic-mantras. But thinking about it, that is how my whole life feels. I just want out. No.. this is totally not a suicide thing or whatever. I just want out of this line of life. I want to start over. I don't want to be me anymore. She has totally reached the end of her line. She is getting no where and she is driving herself into the ground. I need to find my path, I need to find my beat-up-green-tacoma in my life. Just that hope, something to follow. Something to grasp onto, a guide off the crazy road through the blinding rain. I need something to take me to the exit, where I want to be. Where I was screaming to get to... that's what I want.
So while the ceiling begins to straing and the beams begin to crash around me, I'm stuck in place, just watching. Its coming down, I know it. Its like a nightmare when you want to run, you want to scream but something is holding you. Like a giant hand gripping you. All you can to is watch panic-stricken as danger comes to swallow you. For some reason, I just can't wake up out of my nightmare. Thats what this is, this isn't life, its a nightmare and I've watched, panic-striken long enough.
I need to make changes, I need to figure out how. I have to find my "green tacoma." Sarah needs to change, all together. She isn't holding the ceiling up well enough. I made a few goals that I've sort of ignored. They seem reasonable, but they are just desperate battleplans for me. But again, their is the giant hand gripping me. I want things so bad and I want them right now. For some reason, I don't want them bad enough to work for them. I need to break that boundary or I won't get anything done. I've lined up a few things for myself with the one rule. Regret nothing. I've done enough regretting to fill 19 life times. I've regretted being born. I've regretted word choice. I've regretted outfit choice in years past, that I wasn't ashamed of then. I've regretted not saying hi. I've regretted fights. I've regretted my regretting. I need to stop this all together, here an now. From now on, I must regret nothing. If I feel like regretting something, too damn bad. If I'm living life to my fullest and best, I won't have to. I need to learn from my mistakes. Instead of avoiding the issues of my past, I have to get around them. So here are my goals, I guess pretty typical, but whatever, more for my own documentation.
Life Under No Regrets
-Have a really fantastic 20s. Live it up so much it will last a life time. Live it so well you will be proud, but not so well that you will miss it to the point of depression once it passes.
-Find the green tacoma.
-Work for you want. Want it so bad you will work to get it, not just wish for it so much in the present.
-Don't be ashamed for existing. Ever.
-Kick some ass at some point.
-Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.
-Don't ever let someone else take your reason for existing away.
-Bascially all in all, if you regret something, that something has got to change ASAP. Want that change. Want to fix it.
-Never give up hope.
-You can survive anything except certain accidents and well, morbid things.
Thats all I can think of now. But I think I have helped myself. I do sort of know what I want. Unfortunately, it doesn't make any decisions any easier. I still have to pick a college. I have to pick a career. And I gotta find a way to stop hyperventilating at hearing words that remind me of these very important decisions and whenever I find someone better than me. If I can't be the best perston at something existing. I will just have to make something up and take it from there.
