well.. this sucks

[transomwhiplass]

hrm.. peter is wise... I think I should have gone with my gut.. but mistakingly.. I took the path I thought would make MORE people happy.. other than me, I would be living a lie.. but well.. the people angry at me would feel better with themselves.. I'm trying not to continue this petty banter between steph and myself.. but I have to think that she really has more of a beef with me besides this incident. I don't know why she mentioned that thing about ash and christina lambert.. that was clearly a joke.. it was clear at both times it occured.. it was a joke... I really don't care who people associate with.. it doesn't matter.. it says nothing about your person.. I don't know why she mentioned that.. its like she is just striking out for the point of striking out.. I don't know what I could have done for her that that would have made her forget this all.. I apologized.. I did it first.. and with no implication that she needed to give one back.. or anything.. I tried to act like everything was normal. I showed up to school. I went to lunch. I did not do homework, though I was in dire need of doing it. I don't know what she wants me to do. I don't know what her lasting problem is with me.. I feel really bad about all of this and I just want it over with.. its sick if this is the way it is.. I mean.. just the other day she was one of my best friends.. if it wasnt for that trig test.. I would have joined in with them.. this wouldn't have happened.. words would have never been exchanged..

I'm willing to note how miniscule this issue is compared to a friendship.. even though, as she did see right through me.. most of my apology was bullshit.. I just wanted people together again. But the more I thought about it.. I really do want to be her friend again.. I am REALLY honestly.. TOTALLY VERITAS! sorry.. if I made something of nothing.. I'd rather be her friend than not be her friend.. no one knows how much it sucked at AC to feel like I couldn't laugh at her jokes... I'm still semi-pissed... but I do really miss my steph.... the more I think about this the more I want this to be over.. I hope she will get a chance to read this... steph.. I wuv' you... and if you don't wuv' me anymore.. I guess that really sucks... but I will always still wuv' you! and i really mean it.. I thought about this a lot today.. it was hard not to. I was upset.. but I thought I was upset because you made me mad.. i think I was more upset today because you were angry at me.... so yeah.....

Comments

wow...

[starryj.livejournal.com]

i hope this isn't misconstrued as my sticking my nose where it doesn't belong...but that was a very nice apology. and...well, i just wanted to tell you that i'm here if you ever need to talk, even though we don't talk much, i know. and...don't let other people walk all over you; i know i'm hypocritical in saying that, but i just think you're a little better off than i am and you can still get out. i'm kinda knee deep in it, if you know what i mean. just...not that i'm saying you're being used or anything by anyone. i just notice you have a very passive nature. and there's nothing wrong with that, just don't be afraid to get your opinion out there, don't be afraid to be straightforward. i realize that's probably not a sarah-y thing to do, but sometimes you really have to try. you put everyone before you, and sometimes you just have to put yourself first, otherwise you get trampled and come out of it worse. if you don't want it for yourself, think of it this way: the better you are about yourself, the better you'll be in helping other people.

there's my two cents. =) i'll see you at school tomorrow.

joyce