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transomwhiplassI'm not quite sure what to do... last night I talked to alex for a long time.. we talked about our friends, how we got to these places, and where we thought people would go.. basically mentally or you know.. how things would end up.. talking to alex made me upset.. he also made me realize that I can never hate someone who used to be my friend.. no matter what they do to me.. I may not like them.. I may despise what they did to me.. but I can't hate them because dwelling on the bad things only make me remember the good things... I don't think that really makes sense... but yeah...
I sort of want to address stuff... steph didn't try to commit suicide.. she cut herself.... she told me last year about how she used to do a lot of stuff.. but she stopped, she got a new way of life.. and she just bullshitted everything... she ignored it. I mean hey.. look.. it worked.... but something got to her.. her parents told her she had to stop bullshitting... thus.. she sort of regressed to old habits.. I don't think she is looking for pity from anyone.. nor is she crying for attention.. I think she needs the help and support of friends... but certainly not people looking down on her.. its useless.. so even though she did this... I'm still going to be her friend.. she doesn't have my sympathy because she doesnt need it.. so thats what I have to say about steph
What I have to say about Peter.. I don't really know what to say.. he attacked both of my friends.. he didn't attack me which was sort of surprising.. but yeah.. I don't know why he said what he said to mary and stephanie.. he attacked their problems and faults and even made up somethings in order to "open their eyes", was it? that they were spoiled brats living in bubbles? or something I think.... then he listed a number of friends who had it worse in order to show mary and steph that they were just that bratty... I dont understand why he thought he could accomplish that the way he did:
They can't help as much as I can't help that we haven't had a parent leave us and mess up our situation... its not anyone's fault how many obstacles they do and don't get... everyone's life is the hardest life they've lived: I understand people have it worse... but it doesn't mean I know what its like to have it worse, and having someone I consider a friend yell at me about it... well, it doesn't open my eyes. No one feels that they have it easy... even if others think that they do.. i'm sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense.. but just try to follow..
I think its horrible what has happened... what it did show me is huge pettiness in all of our friendships... its like.... ugh.. how to describe.... peter doesn't want to be friends with mizu and steph because they are spoiled and bratty and have stupid problems in his mind... yet.... he will be friends with yeli, amara, and sarah... who have all had it hard..... I'm loosing my train of thought.... its like... the opposite of a really popular clique.. where you are only friends with kids in the best of situations.... peter seems to only want to be friends with those who have had it worse... thus... he is like... discriminating against those who have had it better?? I can't describe this... anthony has the tv on really loud.. and I have completely lost the point I was trying to make.... it just seems like we can't all be friends because we arent' all in the same situation of life... I understand some of the people I call friends have had it absolutely suck.... I wish that I could change everything and make everyone have fantastic pain-free lives.... but I can't.... and just because nothing horrible has happened to me YET..... shouldn't keep me from being friends with them... sure maybe I can't relate to how much pain they've had..... but I can try ..... UGH.... this doesnt make any sense.....just forget it... forget all of it.... the fucking tv....
peter... stop yelling at mary and stephanie for being rich and not grateful... they dont understand what its like.... so.... you can't solve anything by yelling.... it doesnt open them up to the world... they have to experience a pain in their life, god forbid.. to get to the place you seem to want them to be.... yakking about the "real world" doesnt help.. I don't really know how you think you've seen this "real world".. you still can't seem to believe that there is as much violence in the world as there is... I'm trying to be as coherent as possible.....
I am trying really hard to make sense..... but its hard unless you are in my head to get all the things Im not typing.... when it was just our little group of girls: me, mary, niki, jennifer and then rachel, emma (sometimes), and then jazmine... we never fought.... there weren't any divisions.... we didn't cut ourselves off from eachother.... ever.... we didn't blame eachother for not understanding.... we just agreed that someone had it sucky and tried to comfort eachother... steph came.... stuff remained the same.... but then groups merged.... the other incredibly turbulent with fights and splits and quarrels... friends who didnt speak.... we can never do anything as a whole because someone is having a fued with someone who is holding a grudge against another..... ITS THE MOST INFINITELY STUPID THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE..... IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE PETTY OR STUCK UP ... OR WHATEVER......... STOP THESE INSANE BATTLES........ STOP ACCUSING YOUR USED-TO-BE FRIENDS OF BEING DUMB AND LOOK AT YOURSELF...LOOK WHAT TINY GRUDGES KEEP YOU FROM FORMING LIFE LONG FRIENDSHIPS... ACCEPT THAT EVERYONE CAN'T BE EXACTLY ALIKE....DON'T TRY TO GET EVERYONE ON THE SAME LEVELS...... DON'T TRY.... JUST UNDERSTAND.... INSTEAD OF REACHING DOWN TO TRY AND PULL PEOPLE UP OR DOWN INTO YOUR SITUATION... BRIDGE THE GAP WITH A FRIENDSHIP..... ....maybe I'm stupid... maybe I see everything with a silver lining...... but this is ridiculous....... its so stupid..... its just so stupid.... I'm so sick of all of this..... I'm sick of my friends turning me against my friends..... so yeah.... just get over yourselves
by this.... i dont want to belittle anyones situations or get anyone mad at me..... I don't really pity anyone.... pity is a stupid thing... it has become wildly distorted.... everyone has my friendship in someway.... I'm not reaching out to you because you've had a great life... or a bad life.... I just want to be your friend, no strings attached.... all of you are great individuals.. and thats why... so maybe this is just an unattainable dream.... but it hurts because I hate things things that hurt my friends but what do I do when its another friend?? what can i do?
this might be the most incoherent thing ever written... it might not make sense to anyone.... but my head doesnt hurt anymore.... I have released all my flying thoughts... I just want to be friends
I sort of want to address stuff... steph didn't try to commit suicide.. she cut herself.... she told me last year about how she used to do a lot of stuff.. but she stopped, she got a new way of life.. and she just bullshitted everything... she ignored it. I mean hey.. look.. it worked.... but something got to her.. her parents told her she had to stop bullshitting... thus.. she sort of regressed to old habits.. I don't think she is looking for pity from anyone.. nor is she crying for attention.. I think she needs the help and support of friends... but certainly not people looking down on her.. its useless.. so even though she did this... I'm still going to be her friend.. she doesn't have my sympathy because she doesnt need it.. so thats what I have to say about steph
What I have to say about Peter.. I don't really know what to say.. he attacked both of my friends.. he didn't attack me which was sort of surprising.. but yeah.. I don't know why he said what he said to mary and stephanie.. he attacked their problems and faults and even made up somethings in order to "open their eyes", was it? that they were spoiled brats living in bubbles? or something I think.... then he listed a number of friends who had it worse in order to show mary and steph that they were just that bratty... I dont understand why he thought he could accomplish that the way he did:
They can't help as much as I can't help that we haven't had a parent leave us and mess up our situation... its not anyone's fault how many obstacles they do and don't get... everyone's life is the hardest life they've lived: I understand people have it worse... but it doesn't mean I know what its like to have it worse, and having someone I consider a friend yell at me about it... well, it doesn't open my eyes. No one feels that they have it easy... even if others think that they do.. i'm sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense.. but just try to follow..
I think its horrible what has happened... what it did show me is huge pettiness in all of our friendships... its like.... ugh.. how to describe.... peter doesn't want to be friends with mizu and steph because they are spoiled and bratty and have stupid problems in his mind... yet.... he will be friends with yeli, amara, and sarah... who have all had it hard..... I'm loosing my train of thought.... its like... the opposite of a really popular clique.. where you are only friends with kids in the best of situations.... peter seems to only want to be friends with those who have had it worse... thus... he is like... discriminating against those who have had it better?? I can't describe this... anthony has the tv on really loud.. and I have completely lost the point I was trying to make.... it just seems like we can't all be friends because we arent' all in the same situation of life... I understand some of the people I call friends have had it absolutely suck.... I wish that I could change everything and make everyone have fantastic pain-free lives.... but I can't.... and just because nothing horrible has happened to me YET..... shouldn't keep me from being friends with them... sure maybe I can't relate to how much pain they've had..... but I can try ..... UGH.... this doesnt make any sense.....just forget it... forget all of it.... the fucking tv....
peter... stop yelling at mary and stephanie for being rich and not grateful... they dont understand what its like.... so.... you can't solve anything by yelling.... it doesnt open them up to the world... they have to experience a pain in their life, god forbid.. to get to the place you seem to want them to be.... yakking about the "real world" doesnt help.. I don't really know how you think you've seen this "real world".. you still can't seem to believe that there is as much violence in the world as there is... I'm trying to be as coherent as possible.....
I am trying really hard to make sense..... but its hard unless you are in my head to get all the things Im not typing.... when it was just our little group of girls: me, mary, niki, jennifer and then rachel, emma (sometimes), and then jazmine... we never fought.... there weren't any divisions.... we didn't cut ourselves off from eachother.... ever.... we didn't blame eachother for not understanding.... we just agreed that someone had it sucky and tried to comfort eachother... steph came.... stuff remained the same.... but then groups merged.... the other incredibly turbulent with fights and splits and quarrels... friends who didnt speak.... we can never do anything as a whole because someone is having a fued with someone who is holding a grudge against another..... ITS THE MOST INFINITELY STUPID THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE..... IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE PETTY OR STUCK UP ... OR WHATEVER......... STOP THESE INSANE BATTLES........ STOP ACCUSING YOUR USED-TO-BE FRIENDS OF BEING DUMB AND LOOK AT YOURSELF...LOOK WHAT TINY GRUDGES KEEP YOU FROM FORMING LIFE LONG FRIENDSHIPS... ACCEPT THAT EVERYONE CAN'T BE EXACTLY ALIKE....DON'T TRY TO GET EVERYONE ON THE SAME LEVELS...... DON'T TRY.... JUST UNDERSTAND.... INSTEAD OF REACHING DOWN TO TRY AND PULL PEOPLE UP OR DOWN INTO YOUR SITUATION... BRIDGE THE GAP WITH A FRIENDSHIP..... ....maybe I'm stupid... maybe I see everything with a silver lining...... but this is ridiculous....... its so stupid..... its just so stupid.... I'm so sick of all of this..... I'm sick of my friends turning me against my friends..... so yeah.... just get over yourselves
by this.... i dont want to belittle anyones situations or get anyone mad at me..... I don't really pity anyone.... pity is a stupid thing... it has become wildly distorted.... everyone has my friendship in someway.... I'm not reaching out to you because you've had a great life... or a bad life.... I just want to be your friend, no strings attached.... all of you are great individuals.. and thats why... so maybe this is just an unattainable dream.... but it hurts because I hate things things that hurt my friends but what do I do when its another friend?? what can i do?
this might be the most incoherent thing ever written... it might not make sense to anyone.... but my head doesnt hurt anymore.... I have released all my flying thoughts... I just want to be friends
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Date: 2002-10-05 02:34 pm (UTC)the fact is, I don't like to hear self pity. I suppose to an etent, cuz everyone feels sorry for themself. but, i was comparing several friends. those that have actually had a hard life don't complain. its very strange.
actually, im blocked from stephs journal...no checking or anything, not that it would matter. you don't complain. except on your journal about small things an stuff, but stuff that isnt a big deal. mary and steph do a lot of complaining.
i can t stand either one of them anymore. i knew last year that we screwed up your happy little group, and tht was a mistake. now that im gone, theres one less person to worryab out though(and i was probably the most "different" when compared to everyone else). it wouldn't be true to say i fit it, so there i go.