thoughts.. crazy ones... cries for attention... I guess

[transomwhiplass]

I think that if I didn't have my family.. I would kill myself..

Explanation: If this was my life, exactly how it is and I had a different family that acted any different.. I think I would take my own life.. hm.... but I don't know

--- Not to be morbid or anything ---

I want to shed a ray on the changes in the group.. well.. as opposed to the completely harmonious lunches with lots of laughs shared by all/cramming/ and support... I would like to remember (again and again and again) that it is no longer like that.. I was used to everyone liking eachother.. and that isn't so much the case anymore.. you have to dance around people when talking.. trying not to bring up your friend they don't like... its odd.... I know this is a broken record for me.... but I am suffering denial.. I don't deal well with instability... so now.. a reflection on what it is today: laughs between two and conversations leaving out many people/a new "fuck-it" attitude to cramming.. why try with all the distractions/haha.. support.. like a trainer bra on anna nicole smith.. on a trampoline... haha.... I don't know..... I need to type this out.. its driving me mad.. I hardly know anyone.... and I hate that... its back to my middle school career.. I ate at a table really knew 2-3 people really well.. every year I lost my best friend.. its my curse.. every grade I knew.. I regret to say that I think the curse has completed another cycle.. but in a way... haven't we all someway repeated our old mistakes.. particularly our middle school one.... I think I have heard several people mention their pre-teen school careers paired with a fear of its return... and I am thinking that there is no progression for any of us... well.. don't let me speak for everyone.. but bloody god this is my journal and I am getting it out.... I don't know quite what to say.. all except.. I have become the stereotypical member of the new group I think.. except I don't want to accept it.. for the first time.. I found myself speaking rudely about one of my SAA friends... a lot.. for the first time.. I actually think a friends male-interest caused us to grow apart.. I am now.. right now.. writing something to people that I know will anger them and make them upset with me... but... like the S.T.M.O.N.G (refer above) I really don't give a shit..... so to sum up.... what am I living for..... we all need a reason I think.... something keeps us in reality.... last year I lived for my friends.. I would give an eye.. an arm... whatever if it would help them pass a test.. I am serious... this year... well.. I don't know anyone well enough to do that.. so... I was thinking about it... and I have come up with 3 things I might be living for; to see my siblings grow up, to become something incredible, and my worldy possessions... yes..... thats right.... I am selfish..... I wonder how many people know that about me.... its really obvious I think.. its a skin feature... so.... I will launch into a full-scale metaphor.. that I am semi-famous for:
the fact that I am quite shallow.. (skin feature) is obvious... its like "oh yeah sarah, she is white"
other stuff most people don't know.. but a select few do (skin features) are like freckles.. a few know I have them and where they are located
deeper stuff.. maybe one person knows them also skin features... like a really hidden birth mark that know one knows about.. unless you really trust them
under the skin... none of you know... no one does.. I don't plan on revealing it.... but I will reveal something..... I think I act like a really skin deep person to some.. I wear my emotions on my sleeve.. you think you know what I find funny, scary, sad... but what you know.. is completely different for the next person.. because I am not the same person for you all.. no one knows the real sarah... and I love that... no one does.. it is the one secret I hold... but.. anyway.... I guess to clear that up... I am sort of schitzophrenic.. how I act for someone is a completely different person than how I act for someone else.... lol... now you think I am crazy... I guess I am.... I do it so people will like me better.... I think we all do it to an extent.... well hell.... probably all the way.. I mean.... you know this hypothetical person.. and you really want to get to know them better... they tell you they absolutely looooooooooooove this band.... you, of course, have no idea who the hell they are.... some people would lie.... say they love them too.... but.... for everyone... I love different things... hate different things..... think different thoughts... wear different clothes.... its my insane desire to be accepted.... everyones favorite person because I "sooo get them".... it was my high school goal.... be everyones favorite person.. in the morning be the person everyone wants to talk to and see.. in essence be the group leader....the problem is I am too co-dependent... I have a stupid thing.. I am not dominant.... I always look up to someone that I inadvertantly put on a mental pedestal.... and its happened...so I failed... I suck.... anyway... I get slapped around... and I pretend not to care... but.... well..... I'm done not caring..... I'm stuck in this shell.... I've tried to get out... people used to knock and visit.... but they don't anymore.... so I am stuck... lonely.. no one even calling my name...

---

right now..... all my sarah's are pissed off... and thats not good


-The Depressed, Schitzo carrying off the family mental disease legacy

Comments

I never know what to put in these

[ex-salah790.livejournal.com]

I know it's very plausible you don't like me very much because of something I did a while back, but I thought maybe it would help you if I said something...

In my high school career I went through the same kind of thing you're going through now - when new people were introduced to the group I liked the dynamics changed and it seemed as though nobody cared about my thoughts any more. I started to feel quite miserable at that point, but I didn't tell any of my friends. Instead, I simply became more and more withdrawn. The more I secluded myself, the more I became "uncool" with them...and then the day came when they completely stopped inviting me to parties and get-togethers. And then I completely stopped going...I just went to the library and read books instead. Sure, I did great on tests I took...but what about my life? You can see the end result of that. I have many acquantices and a few VERY close friends, but not that many people in between.

Why am I telling you this? Because I don't want it to happen to you. Friends are important. You're entering what people say is the most stressful year of high school. Having a few friends there to help you through the times is important.

The moral? Try not to completely seclude yourself, I guess. Remember that friends are a crucial part of your happiness....

-Salah

Re: I never know what to put in these

[sammehtosh.livejournal.com]

sorry.. no.. I am not upset with you.. why would I be? This post was a momentary flip-out on my part... this summer has been so lonely I haven't seen anyone from SAA.. the fact of work and my lack of license is keeping me cooped up... but.. it will be ok.. only a month left..