Am I violent?

[transomwhiplass]

Stuff absolutely sucks.. I don't know how it could suck more.. wait I do.. but well.. that will come. Work is fine, the kids are cute... but what the hell... I hate getting yelled at.. I hate orders... and a lot of the job is getting "reminded" by the head counselors about stuff you know.. I mean like.. I have to watch 7 kids.. the "junior counselor" (she is too young to be a paid one) is a bubble.. so I am trying to keep these kids from falling in the water and hitting eachother.. while I am trying to break up a fight.. the boy in front of me hops in the water.. of course right as "miss missy" as she prefers to be called walks by... I swear to god I wanted to scream.. I am trying so hard.. but I can't not get yelled at.. the other teenage counselors are pretty nice... there is this way too cute guy from Kinkaid.. hee hee.. but it doesnt matter.. whatever group of kids I have.. the never behave as well as the rest.. they can't sit in a line.. I feel awful... and just stupid.. I spend half the time trying to keep these 2 kids out of my lap.. its the second day.. second out of many.... this is too much.. but you know what... I absolutely would not mind the job... not one bit... if it wasnt for the fact that my parents are being dumbfucks right now.. I mean.. they are making me sacrifice my summer for this.. and I did it without complaint "fine, I will get a job".. but it comes down to their selfishness... I get out during my mom's lunch break.. her office isn't even a mile away.. I mean.. its right down the street.. but she insists she can't pick me up until 5.. so till then.. I am stuck trying to find something to do.. my brother finally dragged me up to the "teen center".... places like that is what makes me dread going to things.... ok.. let me elaborate... I hate most people my own age.. they are stupid and ignorant.. and most of all loud, I am really prone to head aches these days (especially after 6 hours with 45 rambunctious toddlers).. these kids scream and yell and make messes.. they are worse that the 3 year olds.. so they do this.. then the head counselor yells and screams at them to pick up.. so I clean up something while the rest of them hang out on the couch.. after I go sit down.. I mean.. I am falling asleep.. when more kids come in.. soon enough.. another mess.. the counselor yells again.. this time I stay put.. of course I get yelled at, then I clean up, no one else does.... it was only 2:30 .. so this went on.. I sat through lectures and fights and the breaking of a ping-pong table.. finally FINALLY FINALLY its time to go home.. I want a nap.. I want dinner... my mom drops us off and says she and my dad are going back to the YMCA for exercise.. "where is dinner?" "make it yourself!"... THEY ARE SO USELESS.... I mean.. they aren't making any cuts for us right now.. they are leaving it on me.. thats what my family does.. its Sarah's fault.. so I clean up.. I have to cook.. and then I get yelled at for not being INCREDIBLY FUCKING CHIPPER WHEN I DO IT.. my dad tells me I should act more happy and I am making myself depressed.. meanwhile he jeers me with my siblings.. I ask my mom for small favors.. and she is in one of her naps..... I go for a rest, "SARAH CLEAR THE TABLE" "SARAH MAKE DINNER", "SARAH FILL THE DISHWASHER".. I just want to run away.. I need to drive so bad.. if I could.. my hell of waiting for them would be over.. during school it wasnt as bad.. I would be sitting there from 4:20-5:30 with homework and a grocery store at my disposal.. now I am waiting from 1:30-5:30 with no homeowrk, nothing to do.. I feel like so much crap.. I am so angry at my parents.. I know this seems like a typical teenage rant... but I am just so stressed out.. its summer... I wanted a break.. I still cry everyday.. I am so exhausted.. I think the rings of insomnia around my eyes are permanent now... my parents always joked I was "the testing baby".. now I am just here for their convience.. a permanent, no-choice baby sitter for their brats.. its times like these I can really see why kids run away from home, do drugs, join gangs, and have sex all the time.... they are so overwhelmed and bored.. I am worried about me for once... this is making me crazy and I don't know what is going to make me do.. I am not talking to many of you on a daily basis.. it was upseting.. but I see "some" of your reactions to finally getting a chance to talk.. and I don't feel as bad, because finally talking makes me not want to anymore.. I know that made zero-sense, ignore if you want.. I'm guess I am glad some of you are having good summers, most of you deserve them.. I feel jealous-sort of.. not as bad.. I feel hurt-a lot.. I feel used.. I feel tired.. I am not going to be on AIM for a while.. try not to worry (those that do).. I can't talk right now.. I am too tired.. the blings give me a headache (or make it worse and if I turn them off, I suck at seeing if someone sent a message).. it has become a broken record in many cases.. I need to cool off.. so I am going to lock myself in my room and sleep.. if people yell through the window and pound on the door.. they will be ignored and/or flicked off.. I have my own problems right now.. and I am not really caring about other people's at this point.. life just sucks.. and I feel as if I only have 2 (well.. 3 i guess) friends.. sorry you had to read that..

Comments

[superspazmizu.livejournal.com]

[sammehtosh.livejournal.com]

the kids aren't the problem.. as I believe I stated.. I'm doing a good job I think.. we aren't supposed to let them sit in our lap.. because it makes other kids feel bad a.k.a favoritism.. also.. there are lots of rules if we do.. such as: you have to keep your hands visible at all times (no sexual harrassment).. its just weird so its best not to let them.. when they fight.. if you don't break it up right away, you get yelled at.. and I missed the beginnings of most and ended up pulling kids off of eachother... I love the kids, they are great... I am just pissed off with my parents.. and I never said I was bad with kids, in fact.. playing with them is very un-stressful.. they aren't the situation.. I don't want to quit because of the kids... I want to quit because the 4 hour wait till pickup is killing me.. I get huge headaches.. I go home.. take a nap.. and then I am an insomniac for most of the night.. the arrangement isnt working..

[peter00.livejournal.com]

Ahhh, poor sarah!
I know what you mean with all the stress and stuff, it really sucks. Whenever I get really really stressed out, I end up angry an depressed and sick. And you seems really frustrated too, by not having a car and stuff. I felt the same way for months after my birthday.
So anyways, you'll get through it, and besides, you have friends you care abot you.

[sammehtosh.livejournal.com]

blargh.. I don't even have my license >_<.. ::growl:: oh well.. I will live.. I discovered a bus goes right by the YMCA.. I am going to find where it goes ^_^ .. and thanks for reminding me about the friends.. I guess they do care.. but.. I am feeling really lonely without contact.. I guess I will have to start calliing people since people don't IM me much anymore.. but yeah.. I think I will get through it