Ticks & Weekness
Jul. 29th, 2007 12:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassI haven't posted in a little while but it's probably because the last week hasn't really been all that interesting. It's down to that one week at a time point. This whole thing has been but now it's final; Venice; Heidi; Houston, Home. It's like a escalator out of here.
That sounds awful.
I dumped a million paranoid woes on Heidi earlier and I still feel bad about it. Something about being here stuck in my head has just made me stir crazy. Same shit, same story.
It's been an incredible and surreal experience. I will have lived two months of my life in Europe while granted that's only 1/126th of my life.. it's been 1/126th of my life. I look out the window and I see a piazza that's full of the same life and activities that it's been engaged in for centuries. Nothing really compares to that in the US, the US wasn't even discovered by the West when the Campo di Fiori was still a social meeting point and marketplace. It's a different way of life. A different attitude--not a tourist, not a native: we've been able to live in this flux in between the two.
My project is pretty ridiculous. It's nothing like anything I've ever done before. We have a huge amount of work to do. I have to tweak drawings as Chris finishes up the facade and exterior structure for our, now, cantilever. wtf. Anyway, then it's tracing galore and hopefully watercoloring/rendering by Monday. I'm so in-and-out with this project.
What I've realized about this trip is that it's been about me growing as one. I've learned a lot about leading groups, working with people, being a team player--I can do anything when I know I have 1-100 people behind me with some kind of fate wrapped around my initiative. Here, it was me. Me driving me. Me screwing me. It had nothing to do with anyone. Finding that motivation, that resolution to do things for myself, being selfish, and just standing up and becoming more aware of me. That's what this was about. I knew as much when I left. I expect to grow as a human being with every experience. So, in a way, I got exactly what I expected even though it was not the format I predicted at all. It's been a test--I've proven myself able to stand and support others, but how do I fare under my own weight? It's been a mixed bag but I'm still breathing.
The revelation I've made about my project is that, for once, I took a crazy idea I was totally uncomfortable with and ran with it. Only with the vague encouragements and bemusement of my professor, I kind of did the ridiculous here and grew the convictions to back it up. Let me tell you, every review--I have been slapped senseless, up and down and I've defended my project with a straight face (and usually a smile). A far cry from last term where constant encouragement and pats on the back ended in tears after one mean reviewer interrupted me. As much as I tried to fight him, he kept coming back and chewing into me. That's not going to happen again.
As horrible as it sounds, I've lived out every nightmare I possibly could have coming here. I'm glad I came, there were the delightful aspects and the happy times that probably get lost in all the self-reflection and what not (journaling gets you through the hard time, no?). Not only have I had the most horrible nightmares of my life here, but I've dealt with self-disappointment, the disappointment of others, animosity, separation, homesickness, you name it. I'm okay, I'm even better than okay. All of these things have been annoying, but not really earth shattering. I don't know, I'm rather impressed. They say the only way to real deal with fear is to do exactly what you are afraid of.. I guess I will have to find some new phobias now.
What's left a pile of work. One last slapping around and some resolution for all.
I feel refreshed for the life. New found appreciation for everything that ever bothered me ever. Dreary, rainy overcast days beat those days where you are stuck to your chair with sweat, hands down. I could go on, but just take my word for it.
It's getting late and I ought to go to bed. As always, I find my studio album that I can't stop listening to whilst working. Usually it's something new, but since I haven't been obtaining any new music lately I've fallen back into my collection. For some reason my ears have been favoring "Digital Ash In a Digital Urn," lol. I remember when I first got that album. Anyway, something about Conor Oberst brings out the angst in everyone, no matter how veiled by poppy electronic beats.
Vado alla mia camera di letto. Vi voglio bene.
That sounds awful.
I dumped a million paranoid woes on Heidi earlier and I still feel bad about it. Something about being here stuck in my head has just made me stir crazy. Same shit, same story.
It's been an incredible and surreal experience. I will have lived two months of my life in Europe while granted that's only 1/126th of my life.. it's been 1/126th of my life. I look out the window and I see a piazza that's full of the same life and activities that it's been engaged in for centuries. Nothing really compares to that in the US, the US wasn't even discovered by the West when the Campo di Fiori was still a social meeting point and marketplace. It's a different way of life. A different attitude--not a tourist, not a native: we've been able to live in this flux in between the two.
My project is pretty ridiculous. It's nothing like anything I've ever done before. We have a huge amount of work to do. I have to tweak drawings as Chris finishes up the facade and exterior structure for our, now, cantilever. wtf. Anyway, then it's tracing galore and hopefully watercoloring/rendering by Monday. I'm so in-and-out with this project.
What I've realized about this trip is that it's been about me growing as one. I've learned a lot about leading groups, working with people, being a team player--I can do anything when I know I have 1-100 people behind me with some kind of fate wrapped around my initiative. Here, it was me. Me driving me. Me screwing me. It had nothing to do with anyone. Finding that motivation, that resolution to do things for myself, being selfish, and just standing up and becoming more aware of me. That's what this was about. I knew as much when I left. I expect to grow as a human being with every experience. So, in a way, I got exactly what I expected even though it was not the format I predicted at all. It's been a test--I've proven myself able to stand and support others, but how do I fare under my own weight? It's been a mixed bag but I'm still breathing.
The revelation I've made about my project is that, for once, I took a crazy idea I was totally uncomfortable with and ran with it. Only with the vague encouragements and bemusement of my professor, I kind of did the ridiculous here and grew the convictions to back it up. Let me tell you, every review--I have been slapped senseless, up and down and I've defended my project with a straight face (and usually a smile). A far cry from last term where constant encouragement and pats on the back ended in tears after one mean reviewer interrupted me. As much as I tried to fight him, he kept coming back and chewing into me. That's not going to happen again.
As horrible as it sounds, I've lived out every nightmare I possibly could have coming here. I'm glad I came, there were the delightful aspects and the happy times that probably get lost in all the self-reflection and what not (journaling gets you through the hard time, no?). Not only have I had the most horrible nightmares of my life here, but I've dealt with self-disappointment, the disappointment of others, animosity, separation, homesickness, you name it. I'm okay, I'm even better than okay. All of these things have been annoying, but not really earth shattering. I don't know, I'm rather impressed. They say the only way to real deal with fear is to do exactly what you are afraid of.. I guess I will have to find some new phobias now.
What's left a pile of work. One last slapping around and some resolution for all.
I feel refreshed for the life. New found appreciation for everything that ever bothered me ever. Dreary, rainy overcast days beat those days where you are stuck to your chair with sweat, hands down. I could go on, but just take my word for it.
It's getting late and I ought to go to bed. As always, I find my studio album that I can't stop listening to whilst working. Usually it's something new, but since I haven't been obtaining any new music lately I've fallen back into my collection. For some reason my ears have been favoring "Digital Ash In a Digital Urn," lol. I remember when I first got that album. Anyway, something about Conor Oberst brings out the angst in everyone, no matter how veiled by poppy electronic beats.
Vado alla mia camera di letto. Vi voglio bene.
