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transomwhiplassWow. Worst, yet most expected experience of my entire trip. Kelly finally exploded at me and I'm still kind of in shock. I just hope my memories from Sorrento prior are the ones that stick.
I've been able to tell on some level that she didn't like me from the start but I could never figure out why. I don't know if it's because I broke up her little best friends parade (even though I haven't, I just kind of get grouped into their activities because I am the fourth roommate) or because I had emotions occasionally (even though I suppressed most of them) or if I simply just existed. From the beginning I was aware that she was headstrong, over impulsive and hell-bent on being the boss. I noticed early that if I wanted one thing, we had to do another (case in point: gelato vs. food in Naples). She had to guide us even though she didn't know the way. She had to translate even though she doesn't know any fucking Italian. Honestly, I never tried or can remember being "bitchy and cranky" at her. I remember times when I wanted to or felt justified to kick her in the back of the head but I didn't say, look, so much as breathe in her direction. I wanted to give her a chance so I gave up on my feelings for the third consecutive time this year, I became a psycopath's doormat to avoid conflict.
The only incident was yesterday when in a headstrong panic to get us to go on her suggested destination, an island called Ischia, she essentially forced us to spend 16 Euro each on boat tickets there. She was in such a hurry to get the next boat (it left in five minutes from a destination we didn't know) and she her non-existant command of the Italian language turned into a shitstorm. My stomach dropped when she kept stuffing more Euros through the window in such a hurry to get us to the boat. As we left the window, she realized first that the tickets were for the next boat and then realized how absurdly expensive the tickets were. Immediately she insisted that "we cannot get upset about this! WE HAVE TO MAKE THE BEST OF THIS!" I knew this much for myself and would have proceeded in doing so except for the fact that she basically forbade me from getting upset because she essentially fucked me over. I was really just angry at myself for not speaking up about my desire not to go and then upset because I should have known not to let her buy the tickets with her lack of Italian and quick-to-panic attitude/aptness to make rash (expensive decisions). I was absolutely furious with myself.
I know that I am a pretty capable leader--more than she. Some out of APO skills but more out of fear I had been letting her call the shots for weeks. It's clear that she has Andrea and Carly around her finger. I can only imagine the things they probably say when I'm out of the room, but that's not really worth dwelling on--it's all bullshit and I shouldn't waste my time thinking about it.
My biggest problem is Kelly's projection of her attitude on me. If anyone was "bitchy and cranky," it was her and we had to deal with it the entire morning. I've been so careful not to complain about a thing because I didn't want to be seen as whiny. I think that Kelly is completely unable and unwilling to see my situation. I got here late, I missed out and thus I don't really have anyone that I'd call a friend here. I don't want to interrupt whatever situation she has going on, I would just like to occasionally tag along with people and see the sites. I would gladly hang out with the other students except the never want to hang out with anyone else so my chances of escape (which is what I think they want too) are totally limited. The things they say about other people, especially Pete are awful and completely cowardly. They didn't say "no" off the bat when he asked to travel with them and then acted all victimized because he asked. He asked so they could say "no," idiots. Instead they expected him to have ESP and read their irrational thoughts. I really need to reach out to him because I think he is the only one here with the potential to understand my personality.
I hate this position. I thought I made headway on Friday. Instead I'm about about 100 Euro, a sunburn to boot and I left my favorite place in Italy on the train I'm currently riding. I'm trying to make the best of this. Carly worries what to tell her parents about spending money. I know my mom and dad just want this to be a great experience for me and for me to be happy in the end. I believe I have made a pretty gallant effort thus far. I'm trying, I really am. My only hope is that this is a good learning experience in the end and not an experience that leaves me entirely bitter and jaded.
I'm curious to work with Brynn and possibly spend time with Melanie this weekend. At this point, I just want to save as much money as possible. The project and the after trip are completely with in my reach to salvage. As far as everything else, I think this is my "when hard things happen to good people." Its my task to swallow down and look like it wasn't a turd. What's funny is I don't even really see it as bad close-up until I step back and realize the shitstorm nature of this situation. A monkey wrench in life. I'm going to get over it. I can say, "fuck, a monkey wrench!" (because I am human and making the absolute best of everything makes you a robot). However, it's no good to lament.
I'm abso-fucking-lutely determined to make it through. Not just through, I plan on coming out on top. Honestly, Kelly's move proved how immature, irrational, and insecure she is (though that may sound like my bitter, rational attempt to make myself feel better). I have moral high ground after the incident. It all reinforced what I should have learned that some people are just complete assholes. It's no good to just satisfy them in their asshole ways, I have to speak up for myself because it's not me to pander at the feet of idiots. I've given her the benefit of the doubt until now but that was too much. She dragged me too far. I said in the beginning that I was taking charge of my own trip--I was in charge of my happiness here just as she is in charge of hers. Trying to cast me as the scapegoat for her troubles doesn't help anyone. Clearly, she's too tense to be enjoying herself half the time.
I just want to say: while I realize and feel some situations have been difficult, I really don't dwell too much during the day. I'm too busy thinking about things I miss/love and bring smiles to my face. I do find the need to purge my head, but rest assured, my state of mind is actually pretty good. Kelly the psychopath, aside. I'm equipped to deal with her, self-awareness, confidence, and patience in tow. It's different from now on and I think my decision to leave was the best thing I could have done. I respect myself too much to let her treat me like shit and she is going to know that before this trip is over.
I've been able to tell on some level that she didn't like me from the start but I could never figure out why. I don't know if it's because I broke up her little best friends parade (even though I haven't, I just kind of get grouped into their activities because I am the fourth roommate) or because I had emotions occasionally (even though I suppressed most of them) or if I simply just existed. From the beginning I was aware that she was headstrong, over impulsive and hell-bent on being the boss. I noticed early that if I wanted one thing, we had to do another (case in point: gelato vs. food in Naples). She had to guide us even though she didn't know the way. She had to translate even though she doesn't know any fucking Italian. Honestly, I never tried or can remember being "bitchy and cranky" at her. I remember times when I wanted to or felt justified to kick her in the back of the head but I didn't say, look, so much as breathe in her direction. I wanted to give her a chance so I gave up on my feelings for the third consecutive time this year, I became a psycopath's doormat to avoid conflict.
The only incident was yesterday when in a headstrong panic to get us to go on her suggested destination, an island called Ischia, she essentially forced us to spend 16 Euro each on boat tickets there. She was in such a hurry to get the next boat (it left in five minutes from a destination we didn't know) and she her non-existant command of the Italian language turned into a shitstorm. My stomach dropped when she kept stuffing more Euros through the window in such a hurry to get us to the boat. As we left the window, she realized first that the tickets were for the next boat and then realized how absurdly expensive the tickets were. Immediately she insisted that "we cannot get upset about this! WE HAVE TO MAKE THE BEST OF THIS!" I knew this much for myself and would have proceeded in doing so except for the fact that she basically forbade me from getting upset because she essentially fucked me over. I was really just angry at myself for not speaking up about my desire not to go and then upset because I should have known not to let her buy the tickets with her lack of Italian and quick-to-panic attitude/aptness to make rash (expensive decisions). I was absolutely furious with myself.
I know that I am a pretty capable leader--more than she. Some out of APO skills but more out of fear I had been letting her call the shots for weeks. It's clear that she has Andrea and Carly around her finger. I can only imagine the things they probably say when I'm out of the room, but that's not really worth dwelling on--it's all bullshit and I shouldn't waste my time thinking about it.
My biggest problem is Kelly's projection of her attitude on me. If anyone was "bitchy and cranky," it was her and we had to deal with it the entire morning. I've been so careful not to complain about a thing because I didn't want to be seen as whiny. I think that Kelly is completely unable and unwilling to see my situation. I got here late, I missed out and thus I don't really have anyone that I'd call a friend here. I don't want to interrupt whatever situation she has going on, I would just like to occasionally tag along with people and see the sites. I would gladly hang out with the other students except the never want to hang out with anyone else so my chances of escape (which is what I think they want too) are totally limited. The things they say about other people, especially Pete are awful and completely cowardly. They didn't say "no" off the bat when he asked to travel with them and then acted all victimized because he asked. He asked so they could say "no," idiots. Instead they expected him to have ESP and read their irrational thoughts. I really need to reach out to him because I think he is the only one here with the potential to understand my personality.
I hate this position. I thought I made headway on Friday. Instead I'm about about 100 Euro, a sunburn to boot and I left my favorite place in Italy on the train I'm currently riding. I'm trying to make the best of this. Carly worries what to tell her parents about spending money. I know my mom and dad just want this to be a great experience for me and for me to be happy in the end. I believe I have made a pretty gallant effort thus far. I'm trying, I really am. My only hope is that this is a good learning experience in the end and not an experience that leaves me entirely bitter and jaded.
I'm curious to work with Brynn and possibly spend time with Melanie this weekend. At this point, I just want to save as much money as possible. The project and the after trip are completely with in my reach to salvage. As far as everything else, I think this is my "when hard things happen to good people." Its my task to swallow down and look like it wasn't a turd. What's funny is I don't even really see it as bad close-up until I step back and realize the shitstorm nature of this situation. A monkey wrench in life. I'm going to get over it. I can say, "fuck, a monkey wrench!" (because I am human and making the absolute best of everything makes you a robot). However, it's no good to lament.
I'm abso-fucking-lutely determined to make it through. Not just through, I plan on coming out on top. Honestly, Kelly's move proved how immature, irrational, and insecure she is (though that may sound like my bitter, rational attempt to make myself feel better). I have moral high ground after the incident. It all reinforced what I should have learned that some people are just complete assholes. It's no good to just satisfy them in their asshole ways, I have to speak up for myself because it's not me to pander at the feet of idiots. I've given her the benefit of the doubt until now but that was too much. She dragged me too far. I said in the beginning that I was taking charge of my own trip--I was in charge of my happiness here just as she is in charge of hers. Trying to cast me as the scapegoat for her troubles doesn't help anyone. Clearly, she's too tense to be enjoying herself half the time.
I just want to say: while I realize and feel some situations have been difficult, I really don't dwell too much during the day. I'm too busy thinking about things I miss/love and bring smiles to my face. I do find the need to purge my head, but rest assured, my state of mind is actually pretty good. Kelly the psychopath, aside. I'm equipped to deal with her, self-awareness, confidence, and patience in tow. It's different from now on and I think my decision to leave was the best thing I could have done. I respect myself too much to let her treat me like shit and she is going to know that before this trip is over.
