home aloner
Jul. 12th, 2007 08:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassWow, there is a baby that sounds like it's being ripped apart by wolves outside, it is screaming like an absolute banshee.
Our midterm review was today. It was disappointing but ironic. The one scheme Ihab told me really needed help was the one that my reviewers seemed to embrace whole-heartedly. Either I completely 180'd it with a few flicks of my pen or they were ignoring everything else I did. I was so nervous, I've never done a jury review before (with a couple reviewers and basically half the class). I sped through my descriptions so fast. I don't know. I didn't explain as much as I should. I started out strong and thought this would be a great review after seeing everyone's feedback. Then my usual curse hit me. Ihab assigned me the one panel without a functional light so time was spend rigging up a light structure for my project. Because of this block, instead of reviewing with another person for the hour--they focused on me for what they determined to be half the time (more like 17 minutes) and spent the bulk of the time talking to Simon. It was disappointing. They didn't talk about what I wanted to talk about. I hate that kind of helplessness once they start talking and I realize that they completely misinterpreted my intention or didn't see something that I thought about in detail. I can backtrack and try to talk about it more, but it always looks like I'm trying to make up something to avoid the criticism. So frustrating.
This whole studio has been so confusing to me because I'm reaching so far outside my element that I barely understand my own motives and reasoning. I'm using concepts, throwing in angles, and above all--reinterpreting everything I could (and usually would) directly translate.
I don't feel like I'm trying to be edgy for the sake of being edgy, but I really thought on some level that shaking things up would at least pique someone's interest. Clearly only Ihab in the professor department, I mean.. I'm interested in exploring what my idea and a few people came up and told me that they thought the idea was really cool. I thought that Chris might want to work with me but apparently he's shacked up with someone else. I don't know, I feel like he always complimented my ideas but I bumbled the reception and said stupid things that maybe convinced him otherwise of my genius. Bleh. It would have been sweet to work with an option two. I've realized that those kids are a bright bunch since they have the architecture background and don't have the attitude that comes with a lot of option three students (I don't know why their outside degrees make them feel so special) and option one students (they are typically older and have some real experience--ego justified).
Anyway, so is my curse to never have someone actually get interested in my work. At this point, I'm thinking the problem is me. I must not communicate my ideas right but it's not like I've ever had good hands-on coaching. I keep trying to change my style, I think I am a pretty clear communicator. As far as content, I've been sketchy & diagrammatic and very hard planned.. it just doesn't stick or resonate and I don't get it. Oh well. Keep trying. I have two years to work out the details.
Everyone went out to the clubs. Ihab bought us dinner, I was at least hoping a few people would come drink wine with me but they were all gathering up to hit the clubs. Chris had asked me if he could get some of the groceries out of our apartment so he could go home with his wife and I obliged to let him up--even though he asked my roommates if he could leave our stuff up there. So, without determining what everyone else was doing, I got myself stuck here. I can't really blame anyone but myself. I could have been more straightforward at dinner and actually asked people to hang out instead of pussyfooting around the idea. I don't know. I feel like I've tried with these people and I've not tried and I've tried again. For some reason I feel pegged as "that" girl.
I'm not that girl. I'm as bubbly and social as the next person. I love doing things. I love gossiping. I drink. I'm not quiet. I will share my opinions. I can listen when necessary. I usually have pretty good comedic timing. I'm shy but I don't have problems getting people to accept my personality. Those three days must have been really amazing bonding hours for these kids--like the first few days of life. People don't really tell me much. My roommates are totally happy hanging out with each other and I feel like an extra. I think most people assume I'm just hanging with them. I would gladly hang out with the other people and initiate the doing of things if I could but not living in the same building and lacking a phone or way to communicate with them.. I feel like Rapunzel in a tower. I hate feeling helpless and I keep trying to think of things I can do. Part of me doesn't care, I can be by myself.. amuse myself and think about the things I want to think about. It's that part of me that cares and feels bothered that makes me attempt to be proactive. I feel kind of caught in between myself.
This whole idea of not being myself has been interesting in the last week or so. I've been doing things I wouldn't usually consider doing (design-wise) and not because I'm trying or forcing myself. In some ways it's been refreshing to think in new ways, but at the same time I feel completely schitzophrenic and disoriented with myself. It's like I can't even trust myself to be something familiar to fall back on. Sarah's status is that she is lost in the rabbit hole. That's pretty much how I feel here. Like Alice stuck in some kind of enchanting but absolutely, hellish/frustrating Wonderland. If I go right, everything goes left. If I look up, it's actually down to everyone else. I say things, and apparently it's not English. I've tried being myself, I've become someone else, I've been myself again. I just don't know what to think. I want to see where this rabbit hole goes, but I absolutely do not want to get lost in it. It could be a dead end. It could collapse. Then again, it could go somewhere fantastic. All signs indicate that it just goes further into increasing confusion like some dysphoric spiral. I guess I don't really have a choice in the matter. I think it really all ends when I step back onto American soil. All of this becomes like some weird dream, the way that home feels to me now..
My nightmares have tapered to the point where I can't remember my dreams when I wake up. I'm almost glad for that. Well, there are a couple chores I should do before I go to bed--we head to Sorrento, Napoli & Pompeii. I've been bragging about how much I loved those places last time I came. It's my last optimistic hold out. I'm not quite trusting my luck but I keep holding out for something to work out in a way remotely positive or vaguely to my credit or favor. Maybe that's the point of this trip. Struggle. Learning gritty struggle and survival.
Now I'm just getting ridiculous. Off I go.
Our midterm review was today. It was disappointing but ironic. The one scheme Ihab told me really needed help was the one that my reviewers seemed to embrace whole-heartedly. Either I completely 180'd it with a few flicks of my pen or they were ignoring everything else I did. I was so nervous, I've never done a jury review before (with a couple reviewers and basically half the class). I sped through my descriptions so fast. I don't know. I didn't explain as much as I should. I started out strong and thought this would be a great review after seeing everyone's feedback. Then my usual curse hit me. Ihab assigned me the one panel without a functional light so time was spend rigging up a light structure for my project. Because of this block, instead of reviewing with another person for the hour--they focused on me for what they determined to be half the time (more like 17 minutes) and spent the bulk of the time talking to Simon. It was disappointing. They didn't talk about what I wanted to talk about. I hate that kind of helplessness once they start talking and I realize that they completely misinterpreted my intention or didn't see something that I thought about in detail. I can backtrack and try to talk about it more, but it always looks like I'm trying to make up something to avoid the criticism. So frustrating.
This whole studio has been so confusing to me because I'm reaching so far outside my element that I barely understand my own motives and reasoning. I'm using concepts, throwing in angles, and above all--reinterpreting everything I could (and usually would) directly translate.
I don't feel like I'm trying to be edgy for the sake of being edgy, but I really thought on some level that shaking things up would at least pique someone's interest. Clearly only Ihab in the professor department, I mean.. I'm interested in exploring what my idea and a few people came up and told me that they thought the idea was really cool. I thought that Chris might want to work with me but apparently he's shacked up with someone else. I don't know, I feel like he always complimented my ideas but I bumbled the reception and said stupid things that maybe convinced him otherwise of my genius. Bleh. It would have been sweet to work with an option two. I've realized that those kids are a bright bunch since they have the architecture background and don't have the attitude that comes with a lot of option three students (I don't know why their outside degrees make them feel so special) and option one students (they are typically older and have some real experience--ego justified).
Anyway, so is my curse to never have someone actually get interested in my work. At this point, I'm thinking the problem is me. I must not communicate my ideas right but it's not like I've ever had good hands-on coaching. I keep trying to change my style, I think I am a pretty clear communicator. As far as content, I've been sketchy & diagrammatic and very hard planned.. it just doesn't stick or resonate and I don't get it. Oh well. Keep trying. I have two years to work out the details.
Everyone went out to the clubs. Ihab bought us dinner, I was at least hoping a few people would come drink wine with me but they were all gathering up to hit the clubs. Chris had asked me if he could get some of the groceries out of our apartment so he could go home with his wife and I obliged to let him up--even though he asked my roommates if he could leave our stuff up there. So, without determining what everyone else was doing, I got myself stuck here. I can't really blame anyone but myself. I could have been more straightforward at dinner and actually asked people to hang out instead of pussyfooting around the idea. I don't know. I feel like I've tried with these people and I've not tried and I've tried again. For some reason I feel pegged as "that" girl.
I'm not that girl. I'm as bubbly and social as the next person. I love doing things. I love gossiping. I drink. I'm not quiet. I will share my opinions. I can listen when necessary. I usually have pretty good comedic timing. I'm shy but I don't have problems getting people to accept my personality. Those three days must have been really amazing bonding hours for these kids--like the first few days of life. People don't really tell me much. My roommates are totally happy hanging out with each other and I feel like an extra. I think most people assume I'm just hanging with them. I would gladly hang out with the other people and initiate the doing of things if I could but not living in the same building and lacking a phone or way to communicate with them.. I feel like Rapunzel in a tower. I hate feeling helpless and I keep trying to think of things I can do. Part of me doesn't care, I can be by myself.. amuse myself and think about the things I want to think about. It's that part of me that cares and feels bothered that makes me attempt to be proactive. I feel kind of caught in between myself.
This whole idea of not being myself has been interesting in the last week or so. I've been doing things I wouldn't usually consider doing (design-wise) and not because I'm trying or forcing myself. In some ways it's been refreshing to think in new ways, but at the same time I feel completely schitzophrenic and disoriented with myself. It's like I can't even trust myself to be something familiar to fall back on. Sarah's status is that she is lost in the rabbit hole. That's pretty much how I feel here. Like Alice stuck in some kind of enchanting but absolutely, hellish/frustrating Wonderland. If I go right, everything goes left. If I look up, it's actually down to everyone else. I say things, and apparently it's not English. I've tried being myself, I've become someone else, I've been myself again. I just don't know what to think. I want to see where this rabbit hole goes, but I absolutely do not want to get lost in it. It could be a dead end. It could collapse. Then again, it could go somewhere fantastic. All signs indicate that it just goes further into increasing confusion like some dysphoric spiral. I guess I don't really have a choice in the matter. I think it really all ends when I step back onto American soil. All of this becomes like some weird dream, the way that home feels to me now..
My nightmares have tapered to the point where I can't remember my dreams when I wake up. I'm almost glad for that. Well, there are a couple chores I should do before I go to bed--we head to Sorrento, Napoli & Pompeii. I've been bragging about how much I loved those places last time I came. It's my last optimistic hold out. I'm not quite trusting my luck but I keep holding out for something to work out in a way remotely positive or vaguely to my credit or favor. Maybe that's the point of this trip. Struggle. Learning gritty struggle and survival.
Now I'm just getting ridiculous. Off I go.
