Il Cantore
Jul. 3rd, 2007 10:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassFor the last fifteen minutes there was a guitarist playing outside my window for the ristorante downstairs. While I started into my pasta dinner, he slowly strummed his guitar and sang with a low, soulful voice. I wish I knew the song he sang first because I was instantly enchanted. His delicate melodies have been replaced by the drunk shrieks of adolescents playing and flirting in the fountain through their underage stupor. Needless to say, it was one of those beautiful experiences I could have had anywhere else (SO: except a lame movie).Ah the wonder of mixed-use buildings, it's not a question but a necessity of space here. Wow. I can't believe I turned such a romantic anecdote into an architectural analysis of the spatial components and necessities of the city. I should get an "L" tattooed on my forehead. Oh well.
I've decided from here on out that I am going to stick it alone, if and whenever necessary. I'm tired of not doing what I want to do whether it be finishing my work or finding a grassy, green area in the corner of the city to trick me (poorly) into feeling like I'm home. I'm only one week in and this trip can be salvaged. I think that I've been too hung up on being the perfect person here and have put too much pressure on finding some higher evolved state of self while here. I honestly don't know where I got that idea, but it stuck for some bizarre reason. Really, I don't really want to radically change (I like me quite a bit lately. Being simultaneously terrified of it happening and disappointed that it's not is enough to tear anyone apart. If anything, I feel like I've regressed into a shadow of my usual self. Sarah, of today, does not shrink back and play follow the leader. I am the fucking leader. I am a happy homebody and that is okay. However, I love to see, imagine, write and draw. If anything I'm more in touch with writing and reflecting internally than I have been in ages. That's something to be glad for. I'm relearning some of my old habits, not necessarily bad: listening before speaking, limiting excessive criticism and generally living in my head a bit more.
While I have been afraid of changing and have worried that the previously mentioned foibles have become part of my arrogant, quirky charm and losing them would alienate my chosen (and unchosen) loved ones--I know, sincerely, I'm not at risk for for losing my personality. I'm going to be a sarcastic jackass until I die. Honestly, maybe I shouldn't act so off-putting for people's amusement all the time. It's okay some, well, most of the time but one must mature to some degree eventually. I doubt I'll be able to spew verbal diarrhea about a boss or client in the future so maybe training my tongue is for the best. If anything now, I will be disappointed if it isn't. For some reason, I have the irrational worry people will love me less if I change. This is bizarre. Not only would I have to change personalities in a Scientology-conversion proportion but everyone I know would have to be so stubborn and stuck in their ways only to love me for my behaviors rather than anything more. The irrational worries of a homesick traveler.
As I watch Kelly (one of my roommates) struggle, I ponder the differences between people and relationships. What separates her and I? Why isn't she more like me and I more like her? I wish someone could dissect it for me, it seems like there is an obvious explanation in front of me that I just can't reach. I know it's because we are different but what drives one person to calm and another to hysterics? What would it take for us to switch roles? I'm really curious now.
Today I wasted a lot of time and materials trying to take the easy out with a smaller model. Now that is the only one I have to redo. However, I have three versus nine to worry about because I made a deal with Ihab (yay initiative & bargaining!). Lessons: the easy out takes longer to fix than the longer route in the first place (why does this revelation never stick). Persistence, thinking, and calm, rational explanations can save time and energy.
Right now my roommates are missing. That's okay. Like I've said, I'm going to stick it alone for awhile. Not because I want to but because I can. I don't want any scapegoats for this trip. This was my decision, these are my circumstances and challenges, it is my task to find my happiness. It shouldn't be hard in Europe of all places. From this point on, the mopey-ness ends. I can be pensive and piney, but I better be wringing/pursuing all of the simultaneous joy and excitement while I do so.
If I manage and remember the obstacles I overcame, I will have grown as a human being way. In the good way. Honestly, remembering should be the hard part for me. Ha. I shouldn't worry about letting down the people around me as much as letting down myself. That's something I learned the day I missed my plane. The stakes rose that morning and I need to get into this game. i won't forget. I won't forget what I've accomplished as a whole this year and those before it. I won't forget who I have been and who I am. I will not, especially, be afraid of who I am becoming (it's been good till now, why worry?) I have so much momentum and everyone is pretty much pushing me forward, I should be the last person to dig in my heels. I am not going to force myself to "be me." I'm going to let myself be me. I feel that thus far I've been trying to be something I'm not with these people. I need to be shy at first, I need to be approached, I take some warming up to before people comprehend my personality. Forcing it set me back three steps. Anyway. Things will be better from here on out. Mind over matter. Good vibes. Whatever you want to cal it. I am going to get the fuck out of my way and live up, learn and love the next month if it kills me. In the end, I want to have more fun and enjoyment than anyone. No complaints. None. Sarah is at the helm and she is always right. Lord help those who question me.
I've decided from here on out that I am going to stick it alone, if and whenever necessary. I'm tired of not doing what I want to do whether it be finishing my work or finding a grassy, green area in the corner of the city to trick me (poorly) into feeling like I'm home. I'm only one week in and this trip can be salvaged. I think that I've been too hung up on being the perfect person here and have put too much pressure on finding some higher evolved state of self while here. I honestly don't know where I got that idea, but it stuck for some bizarre reason. Really, I don't really want to radically change (I like me quite a bit lately. Being simultaneously terrified of it happening and disappointed that it's not is enough to tear anyone apart. If anything, I feel like I've regressed into a shadow of my usual self. Sarah, of today, does not shrink back and play follow the leader. I am the fucking leader. I am a happy homebody and that is okay. However, I love to see, imagine, write and draw. If anything I'm more in touch with writing and reflecting internally than I have been in ages. That's something to be glad for. I'm relearning some of my old habits, not necessarily bad: listening before speaking, limiting excessive criticism and generally living in my head a bit more.
While I have been afraid of changing and have worried that the previously mentioned foibles have become part of my arrogant, quirky charm and losing them would alienate my chosen (and unchosen) loved ones--I know, sincerely, I'm not at risk for for losing my personality. I'm going to be a sarcastic jackass until I die. Honestly, maybe I shouldn't act so off-putting for people's amusement all the time. It's okay some, well, most of the time but one must mature to some degree eventually. I doubt I'll be able to spew verbal diarrhea about a boss or client in the future so maybe training my tongue is for the best. If anything now, I will be disappointed if it isn't. For some reason, I have the irrational worry people will love me less if I change. This is bizarre. Not only would I have to change personalities in a Scientology-conversion proportion but everyone I know would have to be so stubborn and stuck in their ways only to love me for my behaviors rather than anything more. The irrational worries of a homesick traveler.
As I watch Kelly (one of my roommates) struggle, I ponder the differences between people and relationships. What separates her and I? Why isn't she more like me and I more like her? I wish someone could dissect it for me, it seems like there is an obvious explanation in front of me that I just can't reach. I know it's because we are different but what drives one person to calm and another to hysterics? What would it take for us to switch roles? I'm really curious now.
Today I wasted a lot of time and materials trying to take the easy out with a smaller model. Now that is the only one I have to redo. However, I have three versus nine to worry about because I made a deal with Ihab (yay initiative & bargaining!). Lessons: the easy out takes longer to fix than the longer route in the first place (why does this revelation never stick). Persistence, thinking, and calm, rational explanations can save time and energy.
Right now my roommates are missing. That's okay. Like I've said, I'm going to stick it alone for awhile. Not because I want to but because I can. I don't want any scapegoats for this trip. This was my decision, these are my circumstances and challenges, it is my task to find my happiness. It shouldn't be hard in Europe of all places. From this point on, the mopey-ness ends. I can be pensive and piney, but I better be wringing/pursuing all of the simultaneous joy and excitement while I do so.
If I manage and remember the obstacles I overcame, I will have grown as a human being way. In the good way. Honestly, remembering should be the hard part for me. Ha. I shouldn't worry about letting down the people around me as much as letting down myself. That's something I learned the day I missed my plane. The stakes rose that morning and I need to get into this game. i won't forget. I won't forget what I've accomplished as a whole this year and those before it. I won't forget who I have been and who I am. I will not, especially, be afraid of who I am becoming (it's been good till now, why worry?) I have so much momentum and everyone is pretty much pushing me forward, I should be the last person to dig in my heels. I am not going to force myself to "be me." I'm going to let myself be me. I feel that thus far I've been trying to be something I'm not with these people. I need to be shy at first, I need to be approached, I take some warming up to before people comprehend my personality. Forcing it set me back three steps. Anyway. Things will be better from here on out. Mind over matter. Good vibes. Whatever you want to cal it. I am going to get the fuck out of my way and live up, learn and love the next month if it kills me. In the end, I want to have more fun and enjoyment than anyone. No complaints. None. Sarah is at the helm and she is always right. Lord help those who question me.
