Traumatic Journey
Jun. 26th, 2007 09:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassI made it this far, I suppose. This trip has had such a rocky beginning I barely know what to think. It's still hard to believe I missed my first flight. The entire scenario has rattled my confidence--recovery yet to be determined. I just feel so horrible about everything right now, a shadow cast on the entire thing even before I left. Right now, I feel alone for the first time in months, not to mention bat shit terrified and completely lost. This wasn't ever hard before--I've never felt like backing out of a personal decision. It feels like three years of growth have been lost--I keep getting choked up. How emo of me. Frankly, I kind of want to cry and get it all out of my system--do the rock bottom and pull it back together thing. There just really hasn't been a time or place conducive to bawling my irrational little eyes out. So for now, I hold it in... barely. Hopefully I can release this pent up energy soon because I just feel so entirely on edge (not the best feeling for getting on an 8+ hour plane ride).
I'm most worried that if/when something else happens, I will lose all of my marbles. Of course, it will be at the most inopportune moment possible. I've steeled myself thus far but I just don't have the energy anymore. Good thing we should be boarding now. I trust I will arrive okay, now I just need to catch up. The whole disconnect with Ihab thing has me so vexed. I just need to get into the swing of things or this weakness and frustration with persist. This trip was about growth not degeneration. I am a strong, independent pragmatist--this should all be within my means to handle. Shit happens--even to me. I think I've just become so accustomed to ease, perfection and comfort (SO: haha, yeah right--this last term SUCKED). It's time to start dealing and remember who I am on the inside.
I'm most worried that if/when something else happens, I will lose all of my marbles. Of course, it will be at the most inopportune moment possible. I've steeled myself thus far but I just don't have the energy anymore. Good thing we should be boarding now. I trust I will arrive okay, now I just need to catch up. The whole disconnect with Ihab thing has me so vexed. I just need to get into the swing of things or this weakness and frustration with persist. This trip was about growth not degeneration. I am a strong, independent pragmatist--this should all be within my means to handle. Shit happens--even to me. I think I've just become so accustomed to ease, perfection and comfort (SO: haha, yeah right--this last term SUCKED). It's time to start dealing and remember who I am on the inside.
