Time Lost Beyond the LJ Vortex
Jan. 7th, 2007 12:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassWow. Typing in this box seems like a completely foreign act to me these days. Part of me regrets not channeling all of my hopes, fears, dreams and aspirations into words that I can cherish in the years to come. However, I've now realized that the substitution for this is confidence in my amazing friends here. No longer do I have to angst privately in the shelter of my room and then quietly dissect my own problems. In fact, the large majority of my problems don't have much to do with me at all.
Someone asked me a month or so ago what I thought our generation would be remembered for down the line (ala I <3 the 70s, 80s, 90s, etc.) After some consideration, I told this person I think we will be remembered for our extreme impulses to live our lives in a completely public sense. With the advent of reality TV shows and our culture of celebrity, I get the sense that every layperson wanted to experience the thrill of airing their dirty laundry publicly. With the death of the age of the sitcom, something must fuel water cooler chatter. Facebook created a feature that essentially reads like the People Magazine gossip page--except all of the names are people you know. These days, more and more people are receiving real and legal retribution for the information they have publicized though new digital mediums. I know I'm as guilty of it (or more) than most of my acquaintances though I did shift away from public or any blog posts in the last year or so. I also gave this person my prediction that the next generation, the spirit of rejecting the values of the parents will become overly preoccupied with privacy, crypticization, and anonymity.
We'll see how well my prediction goes. I think the one real rogue factor in my prediction is whether this will be the next generation or just the next 5 years in the same generation but time will tell. Now, for the long awaited purge of the last few weeks. The following are snippets and vignettes of larger situations, diluted for public consumption. This is merely for me to keep a log of where I am this day of January 2007 so trust that this barely scrapes the surface of my thoughts on the term.
---
So as I've said before, I feel like I've really come into my own in the last few months. My last term was dedicated to really being plunged into my major. While it was incredible difficult and challenging at times, the people and the experiences I had assured me that no matter how much self doubt I could have--I was in the right place. I truly feel like I have a family in my department and that camaraderie is something I would not exchange for the most functional curriculum and encouraging faculty.
The living situation was an interesting one. Alienating people is something I never intend to do; strife with friends causes me unrivaled amounts of anguish and the aftermath and fallout from the last few months pretty much put me into insomnia for most of break. While I'd love to have great cathartic episode and elaborate on every tear, all I will say is I have regrets and doubts but really I don't think there are many things I could have changed. I will never regret extending an invitation to a friend when I perceived physical and emotional safety was in jeopardy. My regrets encompass the tone of my interactions but I lived this term in a dazed stupor of stress and sleep deprivation and I plead the fifth if I was ever a little too human when I let things get to me that I would ordinarily tolerate or overlook. I maintain that really the only thing I want for people is their happiness, fulfillment and life satisfaction. As hard as it may be to swallow, I'm not a hateful person that cackles at other people's disappointments. The only thing I ask from people is to be proactive in their own happiness and to not rely on me to find them when I perceive their anguish. While I pride myself on being extremely intuitive, I also admit that I have the tendency to be incredibly daft. As far as things go now, I'm sorry for how things worked out but hope that it can be put in the past so everyone can really move forward to finding something that makes them truly happy.
This term was rougher than usual in terms of interpersonal dynamics. Another friendship may or may not be irreparable though I don't feel like that's up to me. I have never tried to build myself up as some kind infallible saint or prodigy of human interaction. I made a mistake the day before school started that all rooted from ambivalence. The entirety of this relationship also played its part in keeping me up at night during break. What I've realized is that no matter how manic happy someone can make you, when it is paired with manic lows that is essentially a bad relationship. I would rather have a status quo of generally happy than be thrown between extremes. The mistakes that I made I have chalked up to youthful exuberance/ignorance--take your pick. While I may have interacted selfishly at times, I don't see it as comparing to attempts at control via ultimatums, mixed messages and avoidance. Relationships are a two way street: both people have the same propensity to hurt and be hurt. I never want to give up on someone or a friendship but at the same time, I need to look out for myself and my mental well-being. Time will only tell on this front if things can be mended. If anything, this experience has engraved in me the necessity of open and clear communication and the necessity of decisiveness. I hope I never go into a situation half-heartedly again. I know it will happen but I've realized that reserving yourself emotionally doesn't exactly keep you from hurting any less--it just draws things out a lot longer than necessary.
Home is not what I remember. I'm at that stage of life where home becomes that intangible ideal and place for which one searches over a lifetime. All I will say is Oregon feels far more like home than that place. Things are the same or worse with the house as the last time I went to Texas, what's different is what's inside the house. All I know is I hate going to Texas and every day I spend there is an exercise in backpedaling into depression and old, unhealthy ways. My brothers and sister are keeping their heads above water, they actually might be doing better than when I last saw them. Anthony is applying to schools and possibly headed abroad for college, John's grades have pulled up and it seems like he actually might be taking interest in things. He is more mature than I ever remembered and was actually the first one to put down the Nintendo controller than pick it up. Nora quit dance team which is actually kind of sad, I'm really worried about how things at home are affecting her. I can tell my brothers are troubled but adolescent boys are famous for burying their emotions: they let anguish harden them for life which is disheartening. I'm worried Nora will be more markedly hurt by everything around her. Like I began this post, I don't want to air too much publicly. All I will say about going home is the worst part is feeling like I'm surrounded by surrender. I want to fight for my family more than anything, but they seem more sated to fight with each other about the minutiae of their situation than pull together and fight to reverse the situation. My family growing up was always close and my parents gave us the ability to speak honestly and debate with them. I know I have missed the last few critical years and only have an outsider's approach. I know I'm also in that sort of young, transient lifestyle where I have less invested and can more easily change my situation. However, I just don't understand how people can just give up especially when it comes to the core things of human existence like family, happiness, and quality of life. I refuse to see what I care about destroyed by apathy, depression, and laziness but at the same time, I'm only one person. My extended family leaves something to be desired and these people are all I have, I don't want to accept a future of disconnect and alienation but if things don't change soon--I see this as a very distinct, depressing reality. Maybe I seem like I'm self-righteous for feeling like these people need saving and assuming the worst. All I will say is I never realized how unhappy I was for years until I found myself in a new place and realized how much better life could be. I want things to get better for them now before my siblings discover this on their own and start to associate life apart/away from home with happiness and life as a family with the opposite. I blame no one person, there is too much of that being thrown around down there. If I've realized anything this year it's that change comes from within. The world can seem like an impossible place to occupy if you see yourself at the mercy of everyone else's flaws. The world can be changed but it takes people setting good examples and working from the inside out to set that change in motion.
Kentucky is something for another day. It has made me realize something I need to do but don't know how to approach. Time will tell on this one. Kentucky as a place is just as terrible as I remember it, here's hoping to never returning.
I was going through old posts from late summer and I realized what a supreme doofus I can be. When I think about how close I came to messing up one of the best situations I could ever find myself in, I want to kick myself hard. Right now, I have the best friends a girl could hope for and then some. And because I don't want people to puke cute, I'll just say Colin is adorable and spending time with him is just ridiculous amounts of fun. He's such a sweet person and I'd say we spending 80% of the time or more just laughing. It's kind of weird to think this has lasted since like late August and survived a term of architecture at its most treacherous. Anyway, things on that front are delightful--I feel lucky and even though leading a dramatic life over the summer was fun and interesting, I've realized that I underestimated stability for its potential to stay surprising and unpredictable.
Well I have spent long enough on this brain dump. I can't guarantee anymore will be posted anymore frequently but I hope for my sake to hold onto more specific memories from the next term than the last.
Someone asked me a month or so ago what I thought our generation would be remembered for down the line (ala I <3 the 70s, 80s, 90s, etc.) After some consideration, I told this person I think we will be remembered for our extreme impulses to live our lives in a completely public sense. With the advent of reality TV shows and our culture of celebrity, I get the sense that every layperson wanted to experience the thrill of airing their dirty laundry publicly. With the death of the age of the sitcom, something must fuel water cooler chatter. Facebook created a feature that essentially reads like the People Magazine gossip page--except all of the names are people you know. These days, more and more people are receiving real and legal retribution for the information they have publicized though new digital mediums. I know I'm as guilty of it (or more) than most of my acquaintances though I did shift away from public or any blog posts in the last year or so. I also gave this person my prediction that the next generation, the spirit of rejecting the values of the parents will become overly preoccupied with privacy, crypticization, and anonymity.
We'll see how well my prediction goes. I think the one real rogue factor in my prediction is whether this will be the next generation or just the next 5 years in the same generation but time will tell. Now, for the long awaited purge of the last few weeks. The following are snippets and vignettes of larger situations, diluted for public consumption. This is merely for me to keep a log of where I am this day of January 2007 so trust that this barely scrapes the surface of my thoughts on the term.
---
So as I've said before, I feel like I've really come into my own in the last few months. My last term was dedicated to really being plunged into my major. While it was incredible difficult and challenging at times, the people and the experiences I had assured me that no matter how much self doubt I could have--I was in the right place. I truly feel like I have a family in my department and that camaraderie is something I would not exchange for the most functional curriculum and encouraging faculty.
The living situation was an interesting one. Alienating people is something I never intend to do; strife with friends causes me unrivaled amounts of anguish and the aftermath and fallout from the last few months pretty much put me into insomnia for most of break. While I'd love to have great cathartic episode and elaborate on every tear, all I will say is I have regrets and doubts but really I don't think there are many things I could have changed. I will never regret extending an invitation to a friend when I perceived physical and emotional safety was in jeopardy. My regrets encompass the tone of my interactions but I lived this term in a dazed stupor of stress and sleep deprivation and I plead the fifth if I was ever a little too human when I let things get to me that I would ordinarily tolerate or overlook. I maintain that really the only thing I want for people is their happiness, fulfillment and life satisfaction. As hard as it may be to swallow, I'm not a hateful person that cackles at other people's disappointments. The only thing I ask from people is to be proactive in their own happiness and to not rely on me to find them when I perceive their anguish. While I pride myself on being extremely intuitive, I also admit that I have the tendency to be incredibly daft. As far as things go now, I'm sorry for how things worked out but hope that it can be put in the past so everyone can really move forward to finding something that makes them truly happy.
This term was rougher than usual in terms of interpersonal dynamics. Another friendship may or may not be irreparable though I don't feel like that's up to me. I have never tried to build myself up as some kind infallible saint or prodigy of human interaction. I made a mistake the day before school started that all rooted from ambivalence. The entirety of this relationship also played its part in keeping me up at night during break. What I've realized is that no matter how manic happy someone can make you, when it is paired with manic lows that is essentially a bad relationship. I would rather have a status quo of generally happy than be thrown between extremes. The mistakes that I made I have chalked up to youthful exuberance/ignorance--take your pick. While I may have interacted selfishly at times, I don't see it as comparing to attempts at control via ultimatums, mixed messages and avoidance. Relationships are a two way street: both people have the same propensity to hurt and be hurt. I never want to give up on someone or a friendship but at the same time, I need to look out for myself and my mental well-being. Time will only tell on this front if things can be mended. If anything, this experience has engraved in me the necessity of open and clear communication and the necessity of decisiveness. I hope I never go into a situation half-heartedly again. I know it will happen but I've realized that reserving yourself emotionally doesn't exactly keep you from hurting any less--it just draws things out a lot longer than necessary.
Home is not what I remember. I'm at that stage of life where home becomes that intangible ideal and place for which one searches over a lifetime. All I will say is Oregon feels far more like home than that place. Things are the same or worse with the house as the last time I went to Texas, what's different is what's inside the house. All I know is I hate going to Texas and every day I spend there is an exercise in backpedaling into depression and old, unhealthy ways. My brothers and sister are keeping their heads above water, they actually might be doing better than when I last saw them. Anthony is applying to schools and possibly headed abroad for college, John's grades have pulled up and it seems like he actually might be taking interest in things. He is more mature than I ever remembered and was actually the first one to put down the Nintendo controller than pick it up. Nora quit dance team which is actually kind of sad, I'm really worried about how things at home are affecting her. I can tell my brothers are troubled but adolescent boys are famous for burying their emotions: they let anguish harden them for life which is disheartening. I'm worried Nora will be more markedly hurt by everything around her. Like I began this post, I don't want to air too much publicly. All I will say about going home is the worst part is feeling like I'm surrounded by surrender. I want to fight for my family more than anything, but they seem more sated to fight with each other about the minutiae of their situation than pull together and fight to reverse the situation. My family growing up was always close and my parents gave us the ability to speak honestly and debate with them. I know I have missed the last few critical years and only have an outsider's approach. I know I'm also in that sort of young, transient lifestyle where I have less invested and can more easily change my situation. However, I just don't understand how people can just give up especially when it comes to the core things of human existence like family, happiness, and quality of life. I refuse to see what I care about destroyed by apathy, depression, and laziness but at the same time, I'm only one person. My extended family leaves something to be desired and these people are all I have, I don't want to accept a future of disconnect and alienation but if things don't change soon--I see this as a very distinct, depressing reality. Maybe I seem like I'm self-righteous for feeling like these people need saving and assuming the worst. All I will say is I never realized how unhappy I was for years until I found myself in a new place and realized how much better life could be. I want things to get better for them now before my siblings discover this on their own and start to associate life apart/away from home with happiness and life as a family with the opposite. I blame no one person, there is too much of that being thrown around down there. If I've realized anything this year it's that change comes from within. The world can seem like an impossible place to occupy if you see yourself at the mercy of everyone else's flaws. The world can be changed but it takes people setting good examples and working from the inside out to set that change in motion.
Kentucky is something for another day. It has made me realize something I need to do but don't know how to approach. Time will tell on this one. Kentucky as a place is just as terrible as I remember it, here's hoping to never returning.
I was going through old posts from late summer and I realized what a supreme doofus I can be. When I think about how close I came to messing up one of the best situations I could ever find myself in, I want to kick myself hard. Right now, I have the best friends a girl could hope for and then some. And because I don't want people to puke cute, I'll just say Colin is adorable and spending time with him is just ridiculous amounts of fun. He's such a sweet person and I'd say we spending 80% of the time or more just laughing. It's kind of weird to think this has lasted since like late August and survived a term of architecture at its most treacherous. Anyway, things on that front are delightful--I feel lucky and even though leading a dramatic life over the summer was fun and interesting, I've realized that I underestimated stability for its potential to stay surprising and unpredictable.
Well I have spent long enough on this brain dump. I can't guarantee anymore will be posted anymore frequently but I hope for my sake to hold onto more specific memories from the next term than the last.
