I hate summer.
Jun. 23rd, 2006 09:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassWhine whine grumble grumble.
I'm done with summer. I feel restless, bored, and lazy. It's so nice outside but I have nowhere to go and no one to go with, it seems. Instead, I feel like I'm stuck inside my own head and I'm going completely stir crazy.
I kind of looked for a job last night. It was rather fruitless. I've been thinking that my ideal job right now would be working for a florist. I'm not restraining my search to that, but as far as actually feeling inspired and, for once, having a true preference in the matter.. I think that would be nice. Some crisis center for young girls wants a undergrad/grad. school girl to be on staff, that sounded kind of interesting but I'm not sure if I'm totally cut out for that. Part of me really thinks a job like that would be good for me, actually getting to help people. However, another part knows I'm just a terrified, spoiled white girl who means well but has limited success taking care of herself. The other thing I found was an internship working with the American Cancer Society helping with Relay for Life. I know the ship is quickly sailing on these things yet.. I hesitate.
It's the little things right now that are killing me. For some reason, I let a handful of tiny (fixable) problems stop me or stall me from doing what I want. I don't know what is up with this. Every second I feel like a huge hypocrite, my greatest plea is that I want something to do, I want to feel useful, I want to go outside, I want to move around. Yet, it would seem I'm perfectly content sitting in my house doing absolutely nothing because that's what I've done all week. I also, immaturely, want to blame the world for my problems instead of the obvious source, myself. I'm the only one holding myself back and it's lame.
Augh. There is one thing that is bothering me but I don't think gettig it off my chest will help anyone but me. Instead I'll just say hate and jealousy are horribly intertwined. I don't know if it's happiness, love, or just general proactivity but I feel like a total shrew. Ugh, fighting urge allude.. or... make.. bad.. metaphor.
Whatever. It all comes down to what my goal was this summer - to work on Sarah. Yes, it's a selfish project. However, I can already feel the damage starting, each summer seems to be a stupid backslide into neglect and vanity. Basically, I need to stop living my life as an out-of-body experience and start taking some accountability by owning my decisions and making the steps in the direction I want my life to go. So yeah, selfish or not - me doing this will save the world some grief and that seems like a good enough reason for me.
I'm done with summer. I feel restless, bored, and lazy. It's so nice outside but I have nowhere to go and no one to go with, it seems. Instead, I feel like I'm stuck inside my own head and I'm going completely stir crazy.
I kind of looked for a job last night. It was rather fruitless. I've been thinking that my ideal job right now would be working for a florist. I'm not restraining my search to that, but as far as actually feeling inspired and, for once, having a true preference in the matter.. I think that would be nice. Some crisis center for young girls wants a undergrad/grad. school girl to be on staff, that sounded kind of interesting but I'm not sure if I'm totally cut out for that. Part of me really thinks a job like that would be good for me, actually getting to help people. However, another part knows I'm just a terrified, spoiled white girl who means well but has limited success taking care of herself. The other thing I found was an internship working with the American Cancer Society helping with Relay for Life. I know the ship is quickly sailing on these things yet.. I hesitate.
It's the little things right now that are killing me. For some reason, I let a handful of tiny (fixable) problems stop me or stall me from doing what I want. I don't know what is up with this. Every second I feel like a huge hypocrite, my greatest plea is that I want something to do, I want to feel useful, I want to go outside, I want to move around. Yet, it would seem I'm perfectly content sitting in my house doing absolutely nothing because that's what I've done all week. I also, immaturely, want to blame the world for my problems instead of the obvious source, myself. I'm the only one holding myself back and it's lame.
Augh. There is one thing that is bothering me but I don't think gettig it off my chest will help anyone but me. Instead I'll just say hate and jealousy are horribly intertwined. I don't know if it's happiness, love, or just general proactivity but I feel like a total shrew. Ugh, fighting urge allude.. or... make.. bad.. metaphor.
Whatever. It all comes down to what my goal was this summer - to work on Sarah. Yes, it's a selfish project. However, I can already feel the damage starting, each summer seems to be a stupid backslide into neglect and vanity. Basically, I need to stop living my life as an out-of-body experience and start taking some accountability by owning my decisions and making the steps in the direction I want my life to go. So yeah, selfish or not - me doing this will save the world some grief and that seems like a good enough reason for me.
