balls to all of this.. just... balls
May. 30th, 2006 01:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassSo, turns out I was the one of the only people to have done all the reading for my English group project. Some folks didn't even have our core books read - either, both, or whatever. Most hadn't read the three articles that we actually discussed last week. I can't believe I freaked out and worried about not doing my fair share. Most of them are lazy seniors which is why they really don't care at this point but I just feel kind of ridiculous for getting all worked up over a book discussion. I still need to come up with a thought provoking question for class but I figure I'll bounce some ideas off of Heidi during and after poona. Oh well. Seriously though. If I can find time and dedication to read the material.. that says something about those other people. I hate these moments in college because they throw off my humble scale. I like feeling like my peers are superior to me in intellect and wisdom (especially when they are about to graduate).. I like pretending that classes are really challenging the hell out of me. However, it comes down to these climax moments when I realize that my head is screwed onto my shoulders better than 80-90% of the people around me that begin to worry about the world.
Oh, and the studio thing. Most people didn't start on their models.. those that did largely had to restart them.
These revelations do not make this week any better, but they do soothe my soul a bit.
Well, it also turns out my paper I thought was due after my studio review is actually due Thursday. That actually makes my life better. Last night, I pretty much freaked out for half an hour before I realized today was Tuesday and not Wednesday. I keep having these time crises where I think it's the wrong day and totally panic.
Stuff keeps stacking up. Did I mention how incredibly upset I am about the banquet invitation fiasco and how not everyone is getting invited that should (ie, the ones that needed to be sent in the mail but haven't been yet even though the deadline is tomorrow). I'm trying to make the best of this situation, everything is a learning experience - I'm trying to keep my head cool in the leadership role.. I'm trying to delegate. I want things to start working out and stop blowing up in my face. I seriously tried to think about every little thing, I seriously tried to stay on budget and on schedule, I was firmly committed to planning this out and didn't really waste any time in doing things. What this has taught me is: have a back up plan and don't be afraid to settle for it.
Each day I continue to sink farther into this paranoid funk that everyone hates me. I used to think this attitude was freaking ridiculous and scolded anyone I knew who had it but lately, things are just peaking in such a way that I have to think people are saying shit about me. Between studio, hearing a few "friends" talk about other "friends".. it's just really digging into my soul. It's like no matter how well you know people and how well you get along and how hard they laugh at your jokes, the second you aren't around - they start cutting into the last stupid thing you did. With all of this banquet fiasco, I just keep wondering if people really still think I'm fit to lead APO. Really, I know that I am but I need to break out of this paranoia before it destroys me.
I just feel incredibly incompetent and I know this is how it's going to be for another week and a half, which sucks because this is the week I need to be at my most sassy, showy, and overconfident ever. I want to crawl into a hole and wake up when this is all over.
Oh, and the studio thing. Most people didn't start on their models.. those that did largely had to restart them.
These revelations do not make this week any better, but they do soothe my soul a bit.
Well, it also turns out my paper I thought was due after my studio review is actually due Thursday. That actually makes my life better. Last night, I pretty much freaked out for half an hour before I realized today was Tuesday and not Wednesday. I keep having these time crises where I think it's the wrong day and totally panic.
Stuff keeps stacking up. Did I mention how incredibly upset I am about the banquet invitation fiasco and how not everyone is getting invited that should (ie, the ones that needed to be sent in the mail but haven't been yet even though the deadline is tomorrow). I'm trying to make the best of this situation, everything is a learning experience - I'm trying to keep my head cool in the leadership role.. I'm trying to delegate. I want things to start working out and stop blowing up in my face. I seriously tried to think about every little thing, I seriously tried to stay on budget and on schedule, I was firmly committed to planning this out and didn't really waste any time in doing things. What this has taught me is: have a back up plan and don't be afraid to settle for it.
Each day I continue to sink farther into this paranoid funk that everyone hates me. I used to think this attitude was freaking ridiculous and scolded anyone I knew who had it but lately, things are just peaking in such a way that I have to think people are saying shit about me. Between studio, hearing a few "friends" talk about other "friends".. it's just really digging into my soul. It's like no matter how well you know people and how well you get along and how hard they laugh at your jokes, the second you aren't around - they start cutting into the last stupid thing you did. With all of this banquet fiasco, I just keep wondering if people really still think I'm fit to lead APO. Really, I know that I am but I need to break out of this paranoia before it destroys me.
I just feel incredibly incompetent and I know this is how it's going to be for another week and a half, which sucks because this is the week I need to be at my most sassy, showy, and overconfident ever. I want to crawl into a hole and wake up when this is all over.
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If it's any consolation...
Date: 2006-05-31 12:52 am (UTC)Paranoia is like passive-aggressive anger and/or fear. It just seems to feed on itself until it consumes the individual and causes upheaval in one way or another.
You have to remember that in certain bureaucratic social settings, people are indifferent or ignorant of what happens, especially in regards to the thought process that occurs formulating events and all other "activities behind the curtain".
So you should have a certain measure of indifference what occurs/is being said behind your back. In learning of it, you might find it in a different context in which it was actually uttered.
Anyways. You aren't a bad person. You're a wonderful person. Gimme a call if you every want to talk (like I have to tell you this!) :D