Of Mice & Men
May. 23rd, 2006 11:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassI'm seriously losing my grip on reality. Each day I feel like I'm falling into an abyss of hopeless planning and scheduling mishaps. I realized today that I can no longer say that I'm getting by on a day-to-day basis. Everything has disintegrated to a halfday or hour-to-hour organization. No wonder I'm constantly dropping the ball and having oversights at every turn. Functioning has become near impossible and I don't know how much of it is merely because I'm procrastinating and how much is actually from a lack of control. Studio is practically out of my hands. Demetrius refuses to send our assignments with any respect for our schedules. Instead of in class, we are lucky to know by 9 PM later that day (thus losing drastic amounts of time to work). He won't warn us more than a day or two in advance so it makes even thinking about the possiblity of the future a feat for even an overactive imagination.
The banquet is pretty much sending me into fits. I know it will work out. All of the pieces are so close to being snapped together, but I'm living in constant fear that one of those just won't fit when I go for the punch and there will be no time to look for a replacement. I wanted invitations out 2 weeks ago. I'll be crying tears of joy if they go out tomorrow. It was not laziness that got us here, just busy schedules and instances of unprofessionalism. I maintain my perspective not to let these things get to me, I keep telling myself not to spend any precious seconds complaining but to focus on more gracefully getting back on the horse. Adults get up, figure out why they fell, and move on with life; children cry, issue blame, and focus on the extent of their dehabilitating injury. I'm in a state appropriate for my age - late adolescence. So not only am I trying to figure out this shitstorm but I'm trying to grow into an adult. Talk about double duty.
Besides school & the banquet, another set of major issues is stressing me out beyond all belief. I absolutely do not want to go into it now (so why do I mention it?) Poor Heidi caught me absolutely spacing out today when we were at Starbucks and then caught the brunt of my sob story. Ugh, maybe some other time.
The fish is still dead in its bowl. I'm being a horrible Big (did I mention that I really didn't feel up for it this term?). I'm had some really vivid dreams I can't really remember but one keeps filling me with horrid guilt of multiple kinds.
I'm so angry at APO for teaching me the finer points of maturity and standards of good communication. It's like Catholic school for stuffing me full of dogma and Catholic teaching. Now that I know what's right, I feel a complete inability to do what I know is wrong without feeling like a blasphemous hypocrite. In Catholicism's case, it was a matter of not getting confirmed until the day that I really feel I can accept the teachings and live up to them (if that day ever comes). I've decided I can subscribe to APO philosophy, now I just have to play the part. Take this for what you will, all I know is I want to live up to all that I and everyone expects to me and it's proving incredibly harder than I ever imagined.
The banquet is pretty much sending me into fits. I know it will work out. All of the pieces are so close to being snapped together, but I'm living in constant fear that one of those just won't fit when I go for the punch and there will be no time to look for a replacement. I wanted invitations out 2 weeks ago. I'll be crying tears of joy if they go out tomorrow. It was not laziness that got us here, just busy schedules and instances of unprofessionalism. I maintain my perspective not to let these things get to me, I keep telling myself not to spend any precious seconds complaining but to focus on more gracefully getting back on the horse. Adults get up, figure out why they fell, and move on with life; children cry, issue blame, and focus on the extent of their dehabilitating injury. I'm in a state appropriate for my age - late adolescence. So not only am I trying to figure out this shitstorm but I'm trying to grow into an adult. Talk about double duty.
Besides school & the banquet, another set of major issues is stressing me out beyond all belief. I absolutely do not want to go into it now (so why do I mention it?) Poor Heidi caught me absolutely spacing out today when we were at Starbucks and then caught the brunt of my sob story. Ugh, maybe some other time.
The fish is still dead in its bowl. I'm being a horrible Big (did I mention that I really didn't feel up for it this term?). I'm had some really vivid dreams I can't really remember but one keeps filling me with horrid guilt of multiple kinds.
I'm so angry at APO for teaching me the finer points of maturity and standards of good communication. It's like Catholic school for stuffing me full of dogma and Catholic teaching. Now that I know what's right, I feel a complete inability to do what I know is wrong without feeling like a blasphemous hypocrite. In Catholicism's case, it was a matter of not getting confirmed until the day that I really feel I can accept the teachings and live up to them (if that day ever comes). I've decided I can subscribe to APO philosophy, now I just have to play the part. Take this for what you will, all I know is I want to live up to all that I and everyone expects to me and it's proving incredibly harder than I ever imagined.
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:(
Date: 2006-05-24 06:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-24 09:34 pm (UTC)chris sent this to me, not sure if it is the one heidi has.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-25 08:51 am (UTC)I still look ridiculous. My hair was like.. extra on-crack that day.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-25 07:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-25 08:55 am (UTC)Me sleep? Certainly you are joking.
I finish class at 12 so 4 will probably work. As long as we have some wicked tunes, the ride will be fine. Free dinner is free dinner. I ate that gross catering sandwich didn't I?