transomwhiplass

I'm in such a fit with school right now. My media class vexes me beyond all beliefs - I have not even reached a decent understanding of the Form.Z software. I know it can do incredible things and for that I am in quiet awe. However, overall it pretty much makes me feel like an idiot on a regular basis. I try to fiddle with it and make a few simple geometric shapes, but then it lashes out gouging gigantic chunks out of my vulnerable ego and I run away screaming with my tail between my legs and try to hide under the nearest piece of furniture.

If only I had more time and more training, I know we could have a harmonius relationship. We could make beautiful things together, Form.Z. I know you are a fickle partner, but I think you'll see that after awhile, I can be quite brilliant with a very careful hand. Ignore my brutish ignorance at the moment and my tactless instruction, I trust in time our loyalties will fall. Until then, stop being such a capricious, finnicky bitch and obey me, goddamnit!!! DON'T MAKE ME HIT YOU.

But I digress...

Studio is pretty equally frustrating. Demetrius has pretty much let go of the reins all together. I was thinking about it earlier that I really have no fear or self-discipline now. Last term, I was thrilled with each second spent in studio--every moment was needed to work on projects that I appreciated and craved. In addition, I had this fear of authority that someone would bring down the axe on me for not doing every single tiny bit of the project. This term, I barely give a flying fuck about the project.. I'm so tired of it at this point. That plus the fact that I'm really getting the hang of the pass/no pass thing... well, I'm pretty much sloppy as all hell. I doesn't help that my peers are just as bad and we are all kind of fueling eachother into this lazy mass of "don't give a damns." Actual quotes from earlier:

Leah: Sarah.. are you going to do _____.
Sarah: Hell no.
Leah: Good, me neither.

Sarah: Tyler.. are you going to do ____.
Tyler. Haha. No.
Sarah: Thank, God.

It's terrible, I just wish that I had that focus back: the determination and maybe even some fear mixed in. I love architecture so much. This major is so perfect for me that it hurts. For some reason, I keep getting tangled in the stupid bureaucracies and my creativity is always inhibited for some reason. I die a little on the inside when I realize each wasted moment. My worry for the future is only increased as I feel my base skills are shaky at best. I'm kind of frustrated with the program and I'm trying to muster my gumption, if you will to challenge it right back and use all of my frustration in a more pro-active fashion. I need to make the system work for me but I keep getting distracted with other life stuff.

On a side note, I took a gander at grad schools (OMGz, I CAVED TO PEER PRESSURE) out of total curiosity. I found out something totally shocking and amazing. With a magical B.Arch degree (a professional degree in architecture, as opposed to a pre-professional B.A. with an architecture major), grad school is like a year-year and a half tops. Maybe I'm just naive or whatever, but I kind of assumed it would be like a 2-3 year thing. Grad school is not only sort of expected of me, but I acknowledge it as something very important in this day and age. Geez, but one year?? Why the hell not go to grad school.

Haha. Now I have to get through the next three years so I can obtain said magical degree of goodness.

---

Ugh. I mentioned "other life stuff" a little while ago. My calendar is a freaking explosion of commitments and obligations. Unfortunately, I love these obligations and have become and obstinate mule as far as sacrificing one tiny thing. I'm really starting to come full circle on the leadership aspect of APO. It's lame of me, but I've been pretty quick in the past to just dismiss it as abstract, intangible ideals that didn't really interest me. I knew leadership existed but those who claim to openly have it are usually named "Bush" or "Trump." So for whatever, reason, I puu-puued the whole thing as being too complicated to figure out and something that couldn't really be taught or learned, it was kind of a genetic thing that maybe I wasn't born with. Now, with the APO banquet in my grips and this whole site model disaster in studio.. I'm starting to see it as the most valuable thing I can pursue right now. Hanging out with Heidi for most of this year has left me in this awe of what effective direction, guidance, and nurture can do for yourself and other people. I've tried to make some very subtle and direct shifts in my behavior and I'm really noticing how much more effective I've been. Overall, I'm even more excited because it gives me even more reason to get re-thrilled for APO. This is the time to have those re-thrills.

Wednesday is practically upon me, it's a day I've been psyching myself for since last Spring. I don't want to falter, I don't want people to be overwhelmed with doubt, I don't want to disappoint.. I think I just want people to have the shot and having the same bizarre epiphanies and life-changing experiences that I've had. APO is the weirdest group in that you work and play with the same kids in APO and non-APO settings (if you are rather involved). Sometimes it makes things messy, but most of the time it's just this crazy weird phenomenon for developing extremely intense interpersonal connections with others. My best friends are my role models, the time we spend together is overall for the bettering of the community. If you try and commit yourself to it, you can learn and gain something from every second truly invested (if you half-ass something, you'll be returned with a shitty product in my experience). I don't think I've ever felt as rewarded by anything in my life as this organization. lol, I'm getting a little carried away with my inspiration that this is becoming a little sappy and melodramatic. Nevertheless, I'm getting more and more pumped for Wednesday. I kind of wish someone was running against me and there wasn't so much of an expectation of me by others but it doesn't change the circumstances. It wouldn't make me want it more or less, the only thing it would change is my peace of mind. That's overrated, anyway, right?

Ack-age. I need to go to sleep now. I have so much ridiculous stuff to get done this week. Oh well, one day at a time..