Creativity block.. thus I pod..

[transomwhiplass]

I'm having an architecture/design/existential freak out. It exploded into an incoherent post about how much I suck and how much I'm discouraged and how much I hate the administration and how no one loves me and how this is a run on sentence.

I got a new iPod today. The gadget buzz is dying because I still don't have a fully developed idea for my final project due in exactly a week with about a million requirements. Oh, and that humanities paper is also due that day. Super fun, ya'll!

Actually, my false cheeriness is doing nothing for me. I feel like garbage on the inside. Absolutely disgusting, rotting, filthy, horrible garbage. There is are rats and a dead hooker in this pile of garbage. I think a hobo peed on the garbage.

The one thing keeping me up is the fact that in a week - things will be kosher and I will be the happiest girl ever. Oh, and that selective amnesia I always complain about fogs my mind nicely ever few minutes, distracting me in a blissed stupor before I come to with the realization of all that must be done.

I've been bitching all day it feels like. I need to be proactive, here are things I'm going to do to make sure that even if tomorrow isn't sucessful, it's not because I did the same thing as today (bitched, stared at my garden project, poked my pencil at paper, took a nap, ate lots of unhealthy food).

1. Listen to music.
- This was my intention from day one but then I really started to like studio folks and I didn't want to block myself off from the group. However, I get so easily distracted - I like to gossip, I like to crack jokes, I like to wander around, I need to be grounded to my desk by a wire. Additionally, I'm panicking pretty much every few minutes or so and this doesn't help good design flow. It only makes for knee jerk decisions (and that turned out like a pile of flaming crap last time). I need music to calm me.
2. Do parts of the project that I can do now.
- I think I can start a couple presentation drawings. I'm nervous because I don't want to start them only so Demetrius can change the requirements and flush all of my work down the toilet.
3. Stop talking to people
- I like hearing what people have to say and I like trying to help, but none of this stuff actually goes anywhere. I'm going to be an antisocial bitch for this project because social, chatty Sarah has not been a tip-top designer. Additionally, "compliments" all ring hollow to me and I constantly question whether people are being genuine or just playing nice. Paranoia causes more hyperventilation, thus, no more talky.
4. Stop designing for everyone else.
- I keep deferring to others and making the process so impersonal. I'm a human, I've been in a building, I can make this work. If I'm happy, the work will be better.. automatically. If I like it, I can make other people like it too.
5. Sleep
- Today I couldn't process simple spacial, mathematic dimensions and I think it's because I'm not sleeping enough.. again. Look at the time now.
6. Cut back
- I've been having far too much fun in the last week. Last week was my relaxing week, it's time to buckle down. I think I might have to not go to projects this weekend and I feel bad about it and I think everyone is going to hate on my face about it. I know how people gossip. Still, fuck it.

I'm going to work on number 5 now. It's lame that I have to type all of this stuff out, but my memory is constantly failing me these days. I say that constantly but it's true - today I forgot the number of our address. I'm ceasing to have basic functioning capabilities. If I survive this week, maybe I will see a doctor to make sure I don't have a brain tumor. More likely it's because I need more 5.. okay..

Fiving it up.

Comments

[mmmbopthis.livejournal.com]

why the new ipod?

[sammehtosh.livejournal.com]

My mom has wanted to buy my old one off me for awhile and I've wanted to swap up to a bigger size, I only had 1-2 gigs left. She's in town and we've been meaning to make the swap since a little before Christmas.