Thoughts o' the day..
Feb. 6th, 2006 11:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplass1. It's scary when instructors/profs figure out your name.. somehow. It's okay when you have running dialogue or work with them on something, but just randomly... My econ instructor knows my name, he called it once (with like 50 others) so I could retrieve my homework. Still, this makes me feel bad because now that he "knows" me, I feel compelled to try harder.
2. This whole architecture gush thing is scaring people. I either get pity or I scare people. Someone accused me of not having a life the other day, possibly jokingly, it still stung because I do know I've made some personal sacrifices to go at this thing whole heartedly. Honestly, yes.. their are parts that suck but me being upbeat and positive all the time is me taking advantage of my naivety. If I say something enough, I'll start to believe it. I need to believe that spending time in school on the weekend has enjoyable qualities - and not just some, it needs to have enough to make up for the opportunity cost of missed sleep, social engagements, other obligations, and everything else. The thing is, it doesn't feel proactive to bitch about something that I do actually enjoy (even for the negative bits) because this is something I have to see through for at least the next 4 years (if not forever).. I'd rather dwell on the positives and forget the negatives - it augments the experience that much more.
3. I wish APO business would go away sometimes so I could just have fun with the people in the group. It dawned on me that I've never had a non-exec term in APO for the exception of pledging. I have no concept of what it's like to be a brother and I think that might be skewing of my opionions and experience with the group. I love being part of the directional force of the group and I know it's extremely important to keep things going smoothly but I'm getting ADHD at the meetings. Today I think I bordered on disruptive because I was like an unengaged little child - whatever popped into my head during a slow moment, I said. I wish my job was just to make people stop taking shit so seriously all of the time and make people laugh because I'm honestly getting really tired of brainstorming, abstracting, analyzing, repeting, and goal setting.
4. Math keeps falling out of my head and it makes me sad. Today I was like "oh.. factoring." Jesus.
5. The NYT crossword was ridiculously easy today. Boo-yah!
6. I'm starting to get sad for the fact that kids I'm getting closed to won't be here next year. I feel like I still have so much to learn from certain folks and I've only started to bond with Heidi, Rachel and the others. Now that I'm starting this arch thing as Rachel is finishing, I just want to hang on her every word of wisdom and I feel bad for all the lost time.
7. Today is an all boys suck day. Wait, no. Not all boys suck. I just remembered that Tyler doesn't suck. Tyler is my parter for my current studio project and he is a very nice boy. We finished before everyone and despite being the master of the "intoxicating, sexy drawing" (according to Jim Givens, a great authority on these matters) he still left some of the creative decision making up to me. Otherwise, the rest of boys suck. All of them, this means you.
8. I think I actually want to start riding my scooter. I think the battery might be dead from lack of use though. Crap, will investigate.
9. I'm productive when I want to be: I got my computer lab codes and started the process for getting after hours access to the building.
10. I like making people happy with cookies. I got an "I love you", a hug, and a few other luv-squshy comments from folks today. I love eating cookies too. Yay for the power of dough.
11. Sad that New Pornographers sold out before I got my ticket (I tried about a week or two ago but the site was messed up), however.. happy because Liz and I very likely might be going to Vancouver for spring break. I need to have a genuine adventure and I must whet my obsession with Canada a little. This will not be the crosscountry journey I hope to take someday in order to see the best of all the provinces, but I think Vancouver is a good step (plust we can take Amtrak :D for like $40 one way).
12. Stupid & happy vs. smart & depressed, it's a toss-up and I wish it wasn't. The closest I feel to happy while being smart is arrogance and that's not okay at all. Maybe I shouldn't call it being stupid, but silly. Even though I have all of these insecurities about being taken seriously, I feel like I'm at a stage in my life where I want to be a little frivolous most of the time. I know that I'm quite intelligent, I think people I really care about know this too. Right now there aren't really consequences for my dorkiness, I have no professional obligations, bosses to impress, or countries to run into the ground. So, if I can manage to not freak out about people actually thinking I have the IQ of a tree stump, I think I'd like to work on cultivating my inner dork and aumenting my spazitude (like it needs augmenting).
13. I'm starting to realize who I am in terms of beliefs, desires, goals, interests, disinterests, comforts, and discomforts. This is something I've been waiting for since the plague of apathetic adolescence swept over me. This is more than just caring (which I started last year), I feel like I'm actually starting to live and enjoy life for the first time.
14. Thought number 14 so this isn't an unlucky number: work on being more blunt in a funny way. Givens made me laugh as he basically took an intellectual crap all over my project. While I don't want to aspire to be him, I think being honest is an important thing and I hate it when people don't get to the point.. however, being a total bitch about it is not okay or cool.
2. This whole architecture gush thing is scaring people. I either get pity or I scare people. Someone accused me of not having a life the other day, possibly jokingly, it still stung because I do know I've made some personal sacrifices to go at this thing whole heartedly. Honestly, yes.. their are parts that suck but me being upbeat and positive all the time is me taking advantage of my naivety. If I say something enough, I'll start to believe it. I need to believe that spending time in school on the weekend has enjoyable qualities - and not just some, it needs to have enough to make up for the opportunity cost of missed sleep, social engagements, other obligations, and everything else. The thing is, it doesn't feel proactive to bitch about something that I do actually enjoy (even for the negative bits) because this is something I have to see through for at least the next 4 years (if not forever).. I'd rather dwell on the positives and forget the negatives - it augments the experience that much more.
3. I wish APO business would go away sometimes so I could just have fun with the people in the group. It dawned on me that I've never had a non-exec term in APO for the exception of pledging. I have no concept of what it's like to be a brother and I think that might be skewing of my opionions and experience with the group. I love being part of the directional force of the group and I know it's extremely important to keep things going smoothly but I'm getting ADHD at the meetings. Today I think I bordered on disruptive because I was like an unengaged little child - whatever popped into my head during a slow moment, I said. I wish my job was just to make people stop taking shit so seriously all of the time and make people laugh because I'm honestly getting really tired of brainstorming, abstracting, analyzing, repeting, and goal setting.
4. Math keeps falling out of my head and it makes me sad. Today I was like "oh.. factoring." Jesus.
5. The NYT crossword was ridiculously easy today. Boo-yah!
6. I'm starting to get sad for the fact that kids I'm getting closed to won't be here next year. I feel like I still have so much to learn from certain folks and I've only started to bond with Heidi, Rachel and the others. Now that I'm starting this arch thing as Rachel is finishing, I just want to hang on her every word of wisdom and I feel bad for all the lost time.
7. Today is an all boys suck day. Wait, no. Not all boys suck. I just remembered that Tyler doesn't suck. Tyler is my parter for my current studio project and he is a very nice boy. We finished before everyone and despite being the master of the "intoxicating, sexy drawing" (according to Jim Givens, a great authority on these matters) he still left some of the creative decision making up to me. Otherwise, the rest of boys suck. All of them, this means you.
8. I think I actually want to start riding my scooter. I think the battery might be dead from lack of use though. Crap, will investigate.
9. I'm productive when I want to be: I got my computer lab codes and started the process for getting after hours access to the building.
10. I like making people happy with cookies. I got an "I love you", a hug, and a few other luv-squshy comments from folks today. I love eating cookies too. Yay for the power of dough.
11. Sad that New Pornographers sold out before I got my ticket (I tried about a week or two ago but the site was messed up), however.. happy because Liz and I very likely might be going to Vancouver for spring break. I need to have a genuine adventure and I must whet my obsession with Canada a little. This will not be the crosscountry journey I hope to take someday in order to see the best of all the provinces, but I think Vancouver is a good step (plust we can take Amtrak :D for like $40 one way).
12. Stupid & happy vs. smart & depressed, it's a toss-up and I wish it wasn't. The closest I feel to happy while being smart is arrogance and that's not okay at all. Maybe I shouldn't call it being stupid, but silly. Even though I have all of these insecurities about being taken seriously, I feel like I'm at a stage in my life where I want to be a little frivolous most of the time. I know that I'm quite intelligent, I think people I really care about know this too. Right now there aren't really consequences for my dorkiness, I have no professional obligations, bosses to impress, or countries to run into the ground. So, if I can manage to not freak out about people actually thinking I have the IQ of a tree stump, I think I'd like to work on cultivating my inner dork and aumenting my spazitude (like it needs augmenting).
13. I'm starting to realize who I am in terms of beliefs, desires, goals, interests, disinterests, comforts, and discomforts. This is something I've been waiting for since the plague of apathetic adolescence swept over me. This is more than just caring (which I started last year), I feel like I'm actually starting to live and enjoy life for the first time.
14. Thought number 14 so this isn't an unlucky number: work on being more blunt in a funny way. Givens made me laugh as he basically took an intellectual crap all over my project. While I don't want to aspire to be him, I think being honest is an important thing and I hate it when people don't get to the point.. however, being a total bitch about it is not okay or cool.
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no subject
Date: 2006-02-08 05:09 am (UTC)14 is an unlucky number. 14 puppies were killed for the 14 course feast for the 14th day of the 14 month in the 14 alphabetically-listed country in the world.
The more you know....
Date: 2006-02-08 05:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-08 07:43 am (UTC)WUV!