in one fell swoop..

[transomwhiplass]

So, I'm essentially done. I have that dinky mythology test on Wednesday but otherwise, I'm utterly in the clear for the term. The last 24 hours has been a mixture of whirlwind horror, emotions, and panic. Last night I was f-r-e-a-k-i-n-g out, I cannot remember anything on the same scale happening before. Even when I messed up on the whole paper thing, I wasn't cry-hiccuping in 30 second intervals, talking to myself, and becoming extremely upset by the sound of my mother's voice on my voicemail when I missed her call.

After I finished my PS study guide, for some reason I was overcome with this wave of horror and had this overwhelming "revelation" that I knew next to nothing about the material from this term in ARH (or so I thought). Buried under a mass of slides, terms, movements, and the like -- I pretty much panicked and really desired the ability to vomit at the moment (attractive, I know). Since I was shaking like a crack addict, throwing myself into the shower to get a hold of myself seemed like the only logical option at that point. Standing there, I did the math in my head to figure out the minimal grade I needed to pass the class - a 33, I rechecked my head math in the steam on the shower door for good measure. It's scary how far from calm I was last night. I'm usually a very in control and collected person under stress - though I dig at myself (like everyone and their mom), I do acknowledge that I have an overwhelming faith in myself to get through all obstacles with an above average degree of success. I always survive "fiascos", I realized last year, so there was no point fussing over something I would forget the pain of by the next day even. I was pretty sure I was going to fail art history last night, I don't know why I determined that in my head. I jumped to that same conclusion about the whole paper disaster that I pulled out of in the end.

My finals today were difficult, but doable. I wrote and wrote and wrote for poli. sci. for two hours - I don't know if I left a rock unturned that I knew of: I defined, I elaborated, I cited my authors: I'm in a good place to get an A (that I earned the hell out of, it's funny to actually have that feeling for once; me "earn" an A with hard work.. never!). My art history final involved slides that I had seen before!! (Better than my midterm, where I guessed on two with a degree of logic but had no idea on one - I got an 80 on that test) The short answers weren't too bad, I'm sure the GTF will dock me some measley points here and there for my sort of scatter-brained answers but I think I answered all of the questions right.

Right now, I'm just in an extremely good stress free mood. Nothing beats being done with classes. I'm excited for studio next term, though my supply list (demanding a daunting $700 initial investment) puts a slight damper on things.

Overall, I consider this a highly successful term. I feel like I actually learned useful, interesting things in my classes and in turn, I feel influenced in my direction in life because of them. Last night alone indicated that I should not be focusing my energies on studying aesthetic styles of old as I obviously spent 2 days willingly studying for PS and a few panicked hours pouring over ARH. So art history isn't my calling, that's useful information to have! Don't get me wrong, I love art history (especially in high school) - it's great to learn for fun but I don't think it's something that I want to pursue besides out of sheer requirement and in extracurricular time (such as by visiting museums <3). I feel like I learned a lot last year, but I'm really starting to see the future shaping together in the fogginess.

Life is just one glorious moment of ever growing clarity right now, for that I'm entirely satisfied in the time being.

Comments

[nikehness.livejournal.com]

Have you found band other band members for the Pontormos yet? I have little faith in me learning the guitar, so maybe you'll let me just be the tambourine girl. The band can be our backup in case the architecture and biology careers don't work so well.