Another week GONE!
Nov. 11th, 2005 12:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassI have nothing cool to say at the moment since I'm bumming in the APO office. My life doesn't feel as profound as it did in high school though it's probably more so.
Yesterday I had some of the worst hours of this entire term but, luckily, it all got better. I was stressed out and frantic about my theater project. My ideas didn't really appeal to me and I ended up just putting something together very last minute. I didn't get enough sleep so I was crabby and running extremely late. As soon as I got downstairs, I realized I flaked out for APO in major proportions and was on verge of meltdown not even 10 minutes after awakening. Lovely, beautiful, benevolent Lindsey saved me twice while battling horrible ailment - she really is my hero.
Seth drove me to school so I wasn't late and that meant a lot since the bus is always uber crowded on Tuesdays/Thursdays and I had no idea how I was going to stand and not drop my project which couldn't be tossed in a bag. My presentation wasn't very good but it didn't really matter - it's more of a completion thing. The only person disappointed at the end was me, unfortunately, that's who I have to deal with every second of every day.
Class got out a bit late so I missed the bus I wanted to take home to get flyers for the blood drive. I decided that storming home would take just about as long as waiting for the next bus plus I would get some exercise/frustration out of my system. The entire walk home, all I could think about was how happy and optimistic I was about APO only one week prior. How I kept asking myself: "how could I ever get sick of or burned out on this?" Then, I proceeded to dwell on how burnt out and hypocritical I felt for demanding accountability and people to do their jobs when I essentially flaked out myself. How can I demand from others what I can't even do myself?
It was an agonizing, personally torturous journey. Remind me to never lock myself in a room when I'm frustrated. I'm a venter. It makes me seem like I'm extremely negative sometimes, but I'm not - that's just the stuff that flies out of my system to keep me calm. Frustration turned inwards becomes depression.
So I got home, Lindsey had made the flyers and then she gave me a ride to school, bless her heart. I was still all "RAHHWRRR!" but things went up from there. I volunteered for an hour in the blood mobile and watched people doing good deeds and being selfless. Then, I went to yoga and had the most incredible experience ever. We did a 30 minute meditation in the sponge position to some lecture her friend had bootlegged from the 60s.
I just remember lying down and all of my thoughts screaming at me and running through my brain faster than I could comprehend them. I was so tired and upset, I just wanted to curl up. I don't know what happened, I don't think I was asleep because I felt very aware - I never remember my brain shutting off or just suddenly finding myself at the end of the meditation. Basically, I just remember feeling very warm for half an hour. It was crazy because as soon as the meditation ended - my head had stopped screaming (I know that sounds crazy, but that's what it felt like: too many thoughts talking at the same time, then trying to talk over eachother, or talk faster to get attention - everything was whirring and I had no focus whatsoever on anything). It was like coming out of trance. Then we did a couple partner exercises (the stretches were incredible). I left not necessarily feeling like things were less complicated or like my problems had been fixed, but there was just relief, calm, and optimism.
I pulled another few hours at the blood drive and just sort of reflected on what was going really well in my life. While I had not been totally accountable that day, Lindsey supported me and I know that would have been the case had the situation every been reversed (lol, even though Lindsey is always accountable). Life/APO/etc. isn't just about flakiness as a negative, it's about mutual support as a positive. The people I served cookies were good, lovely, selfless people. My teacher was amused by the fact that I had hung Jocasta in full view in my little Oedipus set (even though that was agains the script, which I kind of forgot) - it amused folks. I always get through my classes and I always come up on top. I have great friends, old and new..
Yesterday was the Meet-the-Brothers Potluck and so we cooked, even Lindsey managed to instruct me and make a cheese & a fruit tray despite illness. It was one of those extremely positive events where we sat around and talked about random things - dreams, eyebrows, and more. Afterwards, I was reinvigorated by the "spirits of fellowship" and by the powers of eating real food with vegetables in it.
I had an "early" (for me) night and actually got 7 hours of sleep last night. Now I get to go to Portland and have a fun/crazy weekend seeing people and doing things.
Yesterday I had some of the worst hours of this entire term but, luckily, it all got better. I was stressed out and frantic about my theater project. My ideas didn't really appeal to me and I ended up just putting something together very last minute. I didn't get enough sleep so I was crabby and running extremely late. As soon as I got downstairs, I realized I flaked out for APO in major proportions and was on verge of meltdown not even 10 minutes after awakening. Lovely, beautiful, benevolent Lindsey saved me twice while battling horrible ailment - she really is my hero.
Seth drove me to school so I wasn't late and that meant a lot since the bus is always uber crowded on Tuesdays/Thursdays and I had no idea how I was going to stand and not drop my project which couldn't be tossed in a bag. My presentation wasn't very good but it didn't really matter - it's more of a completion thing. The only person disappointed at the end was me, unfortunately, that's who I have to deal with every second of every day.
Class got out a bit late so I missed the bus I wanted to take home to get flyers for the blood drive. I decided that storming home would take just about as long as waiting for the next bus plus I would get some exercise/frustration out of my system. The entire walk home, all I could think about was how happy and optimistic I was about APO only one week prior. How I kept asking myself: "how could I ever get sick of or burned out on this?" Then, I proceeded to dwell on how burnt out and hypocritical I felt for demanding accountability and people to do their jobs when I essentially flaked out myself. How can I demand from others what I can't even do myself?
It was an agonizing, personally torturous journey. Remind me to never lock myself in a room when I'm frustrated. I'm a venter. It makes me seem like I'm extremely negative sometimes, but I'm not - that's just the stuff that flies out of my system to keep me calm. Frustration turned inwards becomes depression.
So I got home, Lindsey had made the flyers and then she gave me a ride to school, bless her heart. I was still all "RAHHWRRR!" but things went up from there. I volunteered for an hour in the blood mobile and watched people doing good deeds and being selfless. Then, I went to yoga and had the most incredible experience ever. We did a 30 minute meditation in the sponge position to some lecture her friend had bootlegged from the 60s.
I just remember lying down and all of my thoughts screaming at me and running through my brain faster than I could comprehend them. I was so tired and upset, I just wanted to curl up. I don't know what happened, I don't think I was asleep because I felt very aware - I never remember my brain shutting off or just suddenly finding myself at the end of the meditation. Basically, I just remember feeling very warm for half an hour. It was crazy because as soon as the meditation ended - my head had stopped screaming (I know that sounds crazy, but that's what it felt like: too many thoughts talking at the same time, then trying to talk over eachother, or talk faster to get attention - everything was whirring and I had no focus whatsoever on anything). It was like coming out of trance. Then we did a couple partner exercises (the stretches were incredible). I left not necessarily feeling like things were less complicated or like my problems had been fixed, but there was just relief, calm, and optimism.
I pulled another few hours at the blood drive and just sort of reflected on what was going really well in my life. While I had not been totally accountable that day, Lindsey supported me and I know that would have been the case had the situation every been reversed (lol, even though Lindsey is always accountable). Life/APO/etc. isn't just about flakiness as a negative, it's about mutual support as a positive. The people I served cookies were good, lovely, selfless people. My teacher was amused by the fact that I had hung Jocasta in full view in my little Oedipus set (even though that was agains the script, which I kind of forgot) - it amused folks. I always get through my classes and I always come up on top. I have great friends, old and new..
Yesterday was the Meet-the-Brothers Potluck and so we cooked, even Lindsey managed to instruct me and make a cheese & a fruit tray despite illness. It was one of those extremely positive events where we sat around and talked about random things - dreams, eyebrows, and more. Afterwards, I was reinvigorated by the "spirits of fellowship" and by the powers of eating real food with vegetables in it.
I had an "early" (for me) night and actually got 7 hours of sleep last night. Now I get to go to Portland and have a fun/crazy weekend seeing people and doing things.
