a continuation..

[transomwhiplass]

alex's post reminded me of something... I think it crushed me so much because I thought I had a lot in common with that person.. but you never know how the seconds will turn against you.. its all a moment and your perception is gone.. its like drowning I think.. I was never really insulted by a classmate until 8th grade.. I knew him for a really long time and he was always nice in elementary.. then one day in speech he decided to make a mess before the teacher got there.. lucky for me.. I got there right after him.. so I saw him trash the classroom.. tip over the trashcans.. scatter her papers.. then everyone else came in and the teacher did to.. she was outraged.. she knew it was him.. he had a problem with her.. so she knew it was him.. he thought I'd ratted him out ... so.. after class he ran out screaming and skipping.. some really mean comments about me.. using my full name.. everyone heard.. everyone saw.. I remembered that a while ago when someone asked me something like.. "at what moment did you loose the most self-confidence in your life".. it was then.. middle school.. my goal was to blend in with the wall.. I wanted to be invisible.. I thought I'd reached that point.. when that one guy confirmed my fears about myself.. I was visible.. and my .. well "thing I hated most about myself" was obvious.. it crushed me.. I dont think I've ever been the same.. I noticed how gradually over the years I go farther and farther back in my shell.. 6th grade I was president of my violin section (a vice president of the orchestra) same in 7th grade.. I was ok for those 2 years.. I didn't care about anything.. I knew I was smart but I knew my weaknesses.. 8th grade was torturous.. because of those statements and because I guess I was just getting "typical hormones" .. I started to hate myself.. I always had people to eat lunch with.. but I never saw them outside of that.. I had one friend a year.. call it irony, fate, whatever.. they always ended up leaving me.. they all moved away.. I sure knew how to pick them.. but yeah.. thats my story on getting paranoid.. how I got to be so shy.. I always was.. but not this bad.. probably an unconscious reason on why I wanted to be with all girls.... but.. probably not.. because girls are cattier than boys and hold grudges easier.... this week I have become so paranoid.. I dont know why.. it just.. happened.. I feel like my cruelness to analyn is striking back.. i wonder if what mabel tells me about thomas is some stupid prank to see my reaction... if she is really like me.. it probably is.. she probably told him everything I told her in confidence about last year.. he probably laughs at me behind my back.. lately I've wondered about my friends.. I dont think so..... wait.. no.. I just really dont want to.. but on my crapier days... when I do feel serious.. sometimes I look at you and just wonder if I can trust you.... but who knows.. no one will.... I guess thats when backstabbers come in.. they think they help.. but they make things worse.. they do.. you can live semi-happily.. blaming someone or even not knowing about it... but the second someone tells you something you dont know thats been going around about you..... you go insane.. thats what happened with christina lambert.. she didnt like me.. so she spread some stuff.. analyn let me in.... it was the most awful experience.. ok.. sorry now I'm blabbing... I'm just upset.. because I really do love you all and I dont want it to be taken away..