a day I would take back..
May. 15th, 2002 07:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplasswell.. today was one of those days.. that I just really wish I could take back.. I won't say it is "the one" because I know that this being the world and me always being slightly pessimitic... there probably will be a worse one in the future.. today has brought me to terms with things and people... the fog has cleared in my head.. and I have seen things for what they, regrettebly, really are.. so let me try to recollect my day
---
.. I could have done without the morning ..
Well.. the family woke up late as usual.. the whole car ride I felt my stomach tie itself into an impossible knot.. I knew what the day was holding for me.. it was one of those times I prayed for instant death.. like.. maybe not forever.. just for the day.. but of course that doesnt happen.. so I got to school and walked up stairs and sat down.. mizu came a couple minutes later and told me somethings I really wish I hadn't heard (mizu its not your fault.. I would have heard them sometime) anyway.. so for the rest of the morning I completely pondered about someone.. I made myself sicker doing it.. I see our group.. I see the disputes.. and it makes me sad.. usually I just try to remember "oh.. now, you can't mention 'so-and-so' around 'so-and-so' because they are angry at eachother right now" "Don't say "this" in front of "them" because you will get bitched out" "Now remember don't let anything 'inappropriate for the other sex' slip out at lunch.. it would be embarressing for them".. basically, this sucks.. I hate it.. I am sick of it.. and I know trying to fight it is pointless.. people hold parties where everyone isnt invited and then talk about it all through lunch the next day.. inconsidiration.. but really.. I never felt the backstabbing till this morning.. I felt so stunned.. I never expected it.. and I still don't understand why.. its like no one in our group wants to have friends.. they just want to have pets they can abuse... it makes me sick.. and then I see the complete opposite but slightly the same of a backstabber, its a kiss-up.. our group is backstabbing and then we kiss-up when another is angry.. why can't we just get along and act normally towards eachother.... I don't understand.. and I know all of us are intelligent.. its amazing how ignorant we are..... we have backstabbers causing the chaos.. and kiss-ups trying to keep peace on both sides so no one doesnt like "them".. if we were friends.. then we would stand up for eachother.. not run back and forth saying "yeah.. i agree with you" and then telling the opposite person the same thing.. pick a side.. or stay out of it.. stay out of it is best.. but no one seems to have enough control to do that.. so I will compromise with you... but let me just say... my perception has entirely changed of most of you.. and I hope that I can see you all in the same fondness I used to.. but right now I just don't know.. it could have been just a bad day so don't get offended quite yet.. but I am serious about how I feel betrayed..
----
.. classes.. ode to a slow death ..
Catholicism.. you know..
Fitness.. open lab.. yummy
Latin.. translation.. boo hiss
Algebra.. quiz.. like a rape of the mind.. I know what theorems go with the chapter.. but on the worksheet I totally scrambled them.. I don't know about the quiz but my thumb is turning down
Chemistry.. oh... god... it was like..... having someone pull your fingernails out one by one.. then stabbing needles into your open nail beds... it just... it was so painful.. I turned it it knowing there was nothing I could do.. time wouldn't help me.. so I gave up
English.. done with that book.. wow mr. fil was right.. it is exactly like the end of the year.. "is it over" "are you leaving me".... I feel Hamm's pain when he was told "there are no more painkillers"..
World History.. I got there so hungry.. hadn't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon.. said I'd sell my soul for something.. ha.. eternity in hell for a nutrigrain bar.. then class outside.. fun with Nazi's.. what a wonderful way to end the day than conversing about genocide.. holocaust.. yummm.. burning
orchestra.. oh so awful...
---
.. I just don't care anymore ..
Well.. this is my final (hopefully) contemplation of volvo guy.. ok?
Freshman fall I was happy and giggly around him.. he listened to me.. seemed like he cared about me.. he watched out for me and scolded me one time for getting my orchestra dress dirty.. he listen to my joys and listened to my woes.. but eventually conversation died.
Freshman spring he ignored me.. he no longer cared about me.. I wasn't interesting. just a fish.. not important at all.. I knew I was cast out of his gaze.. I may as well not existed.. I served my duty.. he used me.. I was just an outlet and a spy, unknowingly, just about buffer between him and Analyn.
Summer.. I thought things over.. recognized my role.. accepted what I was to him.. but also saw how deeply I cared about him.. I realized how he was why I went to orchestra.. he made me smile everyday... and even though I was nothing to him.. I still hung around. Sophomore fall.. things went on like the previous spring.. nothing but 5 words in several months.. this time I knew how I felt and was more wary.. I didn't feel worthy so I just tried to hide from him.
Sophomore spring.. as much as I begged.. I pleaded for hours.. my mom said he had to drive me home.. but luckily he was going to do the same for mabel.. so it was ok.. I was surviving.. but I saw and heard about them doing stuff together.. it made me nostalgic for last year and I knew I just wanted to be back in his light.. but over the days.. the silent rides home.. I figured out.. how much I really hated him.. he made me so happy... and then he killed me.. or almost.. so lied there just watching from the gutter waiting for him to tell me to get out.. I realized it wasnt going to happen.. he was gone.. but then I was suddenly I was sick of it.. so I got out.. but I loathed him for what he did.. I hated my afternoons.. seeing him made me sick.. it made me remember he was a hypocrite.. so I went along.. hating him behind his back until recently.. I know he doesnt care.. he never did.. so why should I waste so much emotion.. well.. I dont want to care anymore so I'm not.. I'm not worried about getting one of his "looks" of "wtf are you thinking moron".. in fact.. I want one so I can show him how much I dont care.. I dont want to cower under him.. I dont want to be nervous around him talking so fast I get my own language of slurred words.. why should I care about someone that makes me feel stupid.. so this is it.. I don't want it anymore.. I don't care.. and I hope he knows it..
well.. wasnt that uhm.. poetic.. GOD I REALLY AM ENDGAME.. blaaaaaargh x_x...
---
well.. this is my ponderance.. I am still thinking.. but I know I'm not going to figure it out today.. yay.. I get to go move the car.. I am so easy to please...
---
.. I could have done without the morning ..
Well.. the family woke up late as usual.. the whole car ride I felt my stomach tie itself into an impossible knot.. I knew what the day was holding for me.. it was one of those times I prayed for instant death.. like.. maybe not forever.. just for the day.. but of course that doesnt happen.. so I got to school and walked up stairs and sat down.. mizu came a couple minutes later and told me somethings I really wish I hadn't heard (mizu its not your fault.. I would have heard them sometime) anyway.. so for the rest of the morning I completely pondered about someone.. I made myself sicker doing it.. I see our group.. I see the disputes.. and it makes me sad.. usually I just try to remember "oh.. now, you can't mention 'so-and-so' around 'so-and-so' because they are angry at eachother right now" "Don't say "this" in front of "them" because you will get bitched out" "Now remember don't let anything 'inappropriate for the other sex' slip out at lunch.. it would be embarressing for them".. basically, this sucks.. I hate it.. I am sick of it.. and I know trying to fight it is pointless.. people hold parties where everyone isnt invited and then talk about it all through lunch the next day.. inconsidiration.. but really.. I never felt the backstabbing till this morning.. I felt so stunned.. I never expected it.. and I still don't understand why.. its like no one in our group wants to have friends.. they just want to have pets they can abuse... it makes me sick.. and then I see the complete opposite but slightly the same of a backstabber, its a kiss-up.. our group is backstabbing and then we kiss-up when another is angry.. why can't we just get along and act normally towards eachother.... I don't understand.. and I know all of us are intelligent.. its amazing how ignorant we are..... we have backstabbers causing the chaos.. and kiss-ups trying to keep peace on both sides so no one doesnt like "them".. if we were friends.. then we would stand up for eachother.. not run back and forth saying "yeah.. i agree with you" and then telling the opposite person the same thing.. pick a side.. or stay out of it.. stay out of it is best.. but no one seems to have enough control to do that.. so I will compromise with you... but let me just say... my perception has entirely changed of most of you.. and I hope that I can see you all in the same fondness I used to.. but right now I just don't know.. it could have been just a bad day so don't get offended quite yet.. but I am serious about how I feel betrayed..
----
.. classes.. ode to a slow death ..
Catholicism.. you know..
Fitness.. open lab.. yummy
Latin.. translation.. boo hiss
Algebra.. quiz.. like a rape of the mind.. I know what theorems go with the chapter.. but on the worksheet I totally scrambled them.. I don't know about the quiz but my thumb is turning down
Chemistry.. oh... god... it was like..... having someone pull your fingernails out one by one.. then stabbing needles into your open nail beds... it just... it was so painful.. I turned it it knowing there was nothing I could do.. time wouldn't help me.. so I gave up
English.. done with that book.. wow mr. fil was right.. it is exactly like the end of the year.. "is it over" "are you leaving me".... I feel Hamm's pain when he was told "there are no more painkillers"..
World History.. I got there so hungry.. hadn't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon.. said I'd sell my soul for something.. ha.. eternity in hell for a nutrigrain bar.. then class outside.. fun with Nazi's.. what a wonderful way to end the day than conversing about genocide.. holocaust.. yummm.. burning
orchestra.. oh so awful...
---
.. I just don't care anymore ..
Well.. this is my final (hopefully) contemplation of volvo guy.. ok?
Freshman fall I was happy and giggly around him.. he listened to me.. seemed like he cared about me.. he watched out for me and scolded me one time for getting my orchestra dress dirty.. he listen to my joys and listened to my woes.. but eventually conversation died.
Freshman spring he ignored me.. he no longer cared about me.. I wasn't interesting. just a fish.. not important at all.. I knew I was cast out of his gaze.. I may as well not existed.. I served my duty.. he used me.. I was just an outlet and a spy, unknowingly, just about buffer between him and Analyn.
Summer.. I thought things over.. recognized my role.. accepted what I was to him.. but also saw how deeply I cared about him.. I realized how he was why I went to orchestra.. he made me smile everyday... and even though I was nothing to him.. I still hung around. Sophomore fall.. things went on like the previous spring.. nothing but 5 words in several months.. this time I knew how I felt and was more wary.. I didn't feel worthy so I just tried to hide from him.
Sophomore spring.. as much as I begged.. I pleaded for hours.. my mom said he had to drive me home.. but luckily he was going to do the same for mabel.. so it was ok.. I was surviving.. but I saw and heard about them doing stuff together.. it made me nostalgic for last year and I knew I just wanted to be back in his light.. but over the days.. the silent rides home.. I figured out.. how much I really hated him.. he made me so happy... and then he killed me.. or almost.. so lied there just watching from the gutter waiting for him to tell me to get out.. I realized it wasnt going to happen.. he was gone.. but then I was suddenly I was sick of it.. so I got out.. but I loathed him for what he did.. I hated my afternoons.. seeing him made me sick.. it made me remember he was a hypocrite.. so I went along.. hating him behind his back until recently.. I know he doesnt care.. he never did.. so why should I waste so much emotion.. well.. I dont want to care anymore so I'm not.. I'm not worried about getting one of his "looks" of "wtf are you thinking moron".. in fact.. I want one so I can show him how much I dont care.. I dont want to cower under him.. I dont want to be nervous around him talking so fast I get my own language of slurred words.. why should I care about someone that makes me feel stupid.. so this is it.. I don't want it anymore.. I don't care.. and I hope he knows it..
well.. wasnt that uhm.. poetic.. GOD I REALLY AM ENDGAME.. blaaaaaargh x_x...
---
well.. this is my ponderance.. I am still thinking.. but I know I'm not going to figure it out today.. yay.. I get to go move the car.. I am so easy to please...
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no subject
Date: 2002-05-15 06:52 pm (UTC)Is this Mr. Hernandez?! Or is like a student? (ooh, but give me a name, k?).
About all that stuff concerning your friends, I'm not exactly sure what all is going on. Whats going on?!
I may not got lunch tommorrow. Sine it seems like a lot of these problems are probably somewhat centered around me, I'd rather avoid them, which means I'm running from my problems, thank you very much ;).
but seriously, I don't know what to do? Does anyone know what to do? And why pay attention to sexual remarks that may make someone insulted? I won't be insulted. Its easier not to have to figure out what to say or not, just say it if its important. If its something you'd think is wrong to say, then don't. Its mostly common sense, just think about someone else (now I feel like a lypotcrit cuz i probably odn't do the same.).
but anyways, i to go now. Bye!
no subject
Date: 2002-05-15 08:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-16 11:15 pm (UTC).. then we would stand up for each other.. not run back and forth saying "yeah.. i agree with you" and then telling the opposite person the same thing.. pick a side.. or stay out of it..
I personally have found that the best thing to do is not to necessarily agree or disagree with a person, but instead try to listen and understand where they're coming from. Agreeing/Disagreeing is a form of judging. There's nothing wrong with judging, in my opinion... so long as a person knows to keep that sort of thing to him/herself.
I do believe that there is quite a distinction between right and wrong. There's no "subjective truth"; if I didn't believe in abortion, but my friend did, that doesn't mean that it's ok for her. There are rules; there's a real structure to life... so there are rights and wrongs. It's natural to agree or disagree with someone.
Have you ever seen the movie K-Pax? There's a certain line in that movie: "Every being in the universe knows right from wrong..." I do agree. Sometimes it just takes people a while to realize it, but in the end, they always figure it out. I think it's a little disrespectful for people to go around being telling others that they're wrong. I think they should just listen and try and understand. Right and wrong comes later.
There's a way around the problem of saying, "I agree with you" to two people with opposing arguments. Instead of telling whether you agree or disagree, you can tell a person whether you understand or not.
"I know where you're coming from" has a nice ring to it. And it's not backstabbing, either. ;)
---
Yeli, getting off her soapbox. ;)
Oh, and are you coming to my little party? Sorry it was so poorly planned; I've been busy as of late.