Chilling Silence.
Nov. 24th, 2004 04:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassIt's so cold by the window of my dorm room. I should put on a sweater but I'm too lazy. I don't know if the heater works, I tried messing with the knobby-thinger yesterday and nothing immediately happened. Since I did't feel like being patient and but was paranoid, as always, about something going wrong, such as a fire - I just turned the knob off.
Yes, I know that is horribly dull. Nothing much happened today. I was really bitter about having 2 classes today and so I skipped architecture. It's horrible, I know, since usually Wednesdays involve 4 classes. Last night when I was stealing 9 Pixies albums from Niki over AIM, I started flipping through "The Perks of Being a Wallflower," which Anthony gave me as "the book that changed his life."
Emma made me laugh when I told her that he gave me that book, she just replied "how emo.." I love Emma, I missed talking to her last year.
Anyway, like all novels it just sucked me in and I didn't put it down until I was done.. at 4:30 AM. I didn't need to sleep through architecture class was at 11 and I woke up an hour before my clock was set to go off at 8:10. It was then that I rationalized to myself in half-consciousness that I would skip class. I wasn't very tired even though I'd had less than 5 hours of sleep, just pissed off. I went back to sleep and woke up at 11:45 then went to Italian.
Maya and I had lunch but that was about it. There are a couple people on my floor - I can hear them moving in their rooms and the doors opening and shutting. It's a weird situation that I'm in. I was actually looking forward to having some alone time, well.. especially time void of my hallmates. It just kind of dawned to me how much I really hate doing things alone and how I've spent the last few days just listening to music so it's not like having a private dance party with myself as the only guest will be anything entirely novel. I don't mind being by myself, it can be a really good thing when I'm not stressed out or having negative thoughts - aka like I am now. I just need someone to vent to about nothing in particular and I'm kind of poisoning my consciousness with bad stuff.
I really need to pay my grandma back for the computer. This involves going to the bank which is now probably closed for the rest of the week and opening an account. Then I need to go to her and get the savings bonds, deposit them, and get a cashier's check. This thought has been freaking me out for 2 weeks. I don't know why simple prospects and errands bother me so much. I could so easily just go do them, get it over with, and stop being stressed. I just want someone to go with me. It's funny how I can go through the "big doors" alone without batting an eyelash, but the little ones scare me more than anything.
Here is a random topic. I know a couple years ago in full-adolescent-angst I wrote some awfully long post droning on about how I was so "multifacted" and a "totally different person based on whoever I was with." For this discovery, I felt special and schizophrenically weird. Eventually with years I realized everyone does this, everyone has different roles in other people's lives. You aren't the same person to your mom, your sister, or your friend because you are a different person to them. It's so funny to think how I thought that my previous revelation was some grand conclusion that occured thanks to the stars-aligning and even more hilarious to believe that I spent so long rambling about this without coming to the later conclusion. I really thought back then that I was being "fake" and "untrue to myself," which maybe I was - I was probably a little more extremely different with people. I think I was a compulsive liar to a few and the most sweet docile child with others. Ok, so why bring this up year's later? I have acknowledged that I have a really bad habit when I'm talking to people, I've known this for years but it has gotten really extreme now that I'm in a new place with totally different people.
When I talk to people, I immediately start to pick up their vocal inflections, accents, sighs, vocalized pauses, and even the some pitch, rhythm, and magnitude of their laughs. It's auto-mimicry and I wish I could just cut it out. Maya doesn't really have an accent anymore but sometimes she says things with a slight British accent that is so slight, it almost sounds like she is pretending to have an accent. When I'm with her, I do the same thing. I pronounce things differently and like her - the words just come out that way and I'm worried that she will think I'm making fun of her. At the conference, I realized I was picking up Sam's laugh. One time my brother got my phone answering machine and commented that my "message didn't sound at all like me." I don't know if I really have one voice - it really changes depending on my mood and the situation that I'm in. Sometimes I know it's really caustic and grating when I'm being obnoxious, other times I sound really stupid when I'm hyper (see: "Sammeh's Tinfoil Hat" video), other times its really mellow and meek. On the phone, my mother never recognizes my voice anymore - she always asks to "talk to Sarah" and then when I say that it is me she asks me if something's wrong because I "sound funny." I think everyone is influenced by those around them, that's why children in other countries pick up their parents accents. It's just weird because I adjust so rapidly.
It get's dark so quickly here. It's only 5:22 and the sun is gone. I don't know what I'm going to do for the next 6 hours or so. I'm in a John Mayer mood if that tells you anything. Mellow, mildly cheerful.. very reflective.
Yes, I know that is horribly dull. Nothing much happened today. I was really bitter about having 2 classes today and so I skipped architecture. It's horrible, I know, since usually Wednesdays involve 4 classes. Last night when I was stealing 9 Pixies albums from Niki over AIM, I started flipping through "The Perks of Being a Wallflower," which Anthony gave me as "the book that changed his life."
Emma made me laugh when I told her that he gave me that book, she just replied "how emo.." I love Emma, I missed talking to her last year.
Anyway, like all novels it just sucked me in and I didn't put it down until I was done.. at 4:30 AM. I didn't need to sleep through architecture class was at 11 and I woke up an hour before my clock was set to go off at 8:10. It was then that I rationalized to myself in half-consciousness that I would skip class. I wasn't very tired even though I'd had less than 5 hours of sleep, just pissed off. I went back to sleep and woke up at 11:45 then went to Italian.
Maya and I had lunch but that was about it. There are a couple people on my floor - I can hear them moving in their rooms and the doors opening and shutting. It's a weird situation that I'm in. I was actually looking forward to having some alone time, well.. especially time void of my hallmates. It just kind of dawned to me how much I really hate doing things alone and how I've spent the last few days just listening to music so it's not like having a private dance party with myself as the only guest will be anything entirely novel. I don't mind being by myself, it can be a really good thing when I'm not stressed out or having negative thoughts - aka like I am now. I just need someone to vent to about nothing in particular and I'm kind of poisoning my consciousness with bad stuff.
I really need to pay my grandma back for the computer. This involves going to the bank which is now probably closed for the rest of the week and opening an account. Then I need to go to her and get the savings bonds, deposit them, and get a cashier's check. This thought has been freaking me out for 2 weeks. I don't know why simple prospects and errands bother me so much. I could so easily just go do them, get it over with, and stop being stressed. I just want someone to go with me. It's funny how I can go through the "big doors" alone without batting an eyelash, but the little ones scare me more than anything.
Here is a random topic. I know a couple years ago in full-adolescent-angst I wrote some awfully long post droning on about how I was so "multifacted" and a "totally different person based on whoever I was with." For this discovery, I felt special and schizophrenically weird. Eventually with years I realized everyone does this, everyone has different roles in other people's lives. You aren't the same person to your mom, your sister, or your friend because you are a different person to them. It's so funny to think how I thought that my previous revelation was some grand conclusion that occured thanks to the stars-aligning and even more hilarious to believe that I spent so long rambling about this without coming to the later conclusion. I really thought back then that I was being "fake" and "untrue to myself," which maybe I was - I was probably a little more extremely different with people. I think I was a compulsive liar to a few and the most sweet docile child with others. Ok, so why bring this up year's later? I have acknowledged that I have a really bad habit when I'm talking to people, I've known this for years but it has gotten really extreme now that I'm in a new place with totally different people.
When I talk to people, I immediately start to pick up their vocal inflections, accents, sighs, vocalized pauses, and even the some pitch, rhythm, and magnitude of their laughs. It's auto-mimicry and I wish I could just cut it out. Maya doesn't really have an accent anymore but sometimes she says things with a slight British accent that is so slight, it almost sounds like she is pretending to have an accent. When I'm with her, I do the same thing. I pronounce things differently and like her - the words just come out that way and I'm worried that she will think I'm making fun of her. At the conference, I realized I was picking up Sam's laugh. One time my brother got my phone answering machine and commented that my "message didn't sound at all like me." I don't know if I really have one voice - it really changes depending on my mood and the situation that I'm in. Sometimes I know it's really caustic and grating when I'm being obnoxious, other times I sound really stupid when I'm hyper (see: "Sammeh's Tinfoil Hat" video), other times its really mellow and meek. On the phone, my mother never recognizes my voice anymore - she always asks to "talk to Sarah" and then when I say that it is me she asks me if something's wrong because I "sound funny." I think everyone is influenced by those around them, that's why children in other countries pick up their parents accents. It's just weird because I adjust so rapidly.
It get's dark so quickly here. It's only 5:22 and the sun is gone. I don't know what I'm going to do for the next 6 hours or so. I'm in a John Mayer mood if that tells you anything. Mellow, mildly cheerful.. very reflective.
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no subject
Date: 2004-11-24 11:07 pm (UTC)You should hear me talk like i'm from the vietnamese ghetto in New orleans (ooh there is one)...
i do the same
Date: 2004-11-29 11:58 pm (UTC)