transomwhiplass

I've cut this because it appears long and I don't want anyone to cry about me clogging their friends page and think about deleting me because of it. Probably one of my favorite posts ever, I may even make it my first LJ memory. Read if you want, you might laugh.. you might cry. You might learn something about me. Who knows? I was going to right "cut for your pleasure" on the link but it sounds like a condom slogan. So instead,

People used to tell me that I talked too fast. I didn't tend to agree with them until one day, my mouth would get so ahead of me I would trip on my words. Then I began to fuse things into words of my own just so I could carry a form of decipherable English to speed, my oral cursive. Heh. Then one day, I just started talking less - solved my problem. If I had to blindly poke my finger at the precise moment it happened I would have to stab somewhere around where the group started growing. We upgraded in bench numbers. Lunch was no longer my stage, 11:30-12:20 monday-friday my show was no longer given regularly. Too many strangers, I could never be myself in front of them. Just a performer. The precious secret that I was not the mute girl was something that would not leak under my power. Those days I would sit and ponder, make idle chit chat with Niki while avoiding direct eye contact with the infiltrators. Those were weird times. Eventually I got disgruntled with the people and in pinning down why and in the midst of my abundant "pondering time", I came to the discovery that I was kind of the clown of the group. Not being able to just get up and joke for that time in the day had cut me off from my identity that I'd developed over the previous few years. Making stupid jokes... anything for a laugh, right? Only problem was my severe introvertedness that kept me from being honest with the world. Staggering trial periods for new people that made me look like a stuck up bitch while my friends were already on "good friend" basis with them. Eventually, I cut the long time down. A lot owed to Laura. From being a rival to co-conspirator was one of those big jumps like in the "Matrix." I made it in the first try. I just kind of came clean as a loud, goofy doofus and she didn't shun me. After that, I stopped giving a fuck.. mostly. That would have been a happy ending but ironically, what saved me dragged me down. I now spend so much time in the journalism room I don't know who the hell will be outside when I get out there after a few weeks. I'm positive there are other factors and details in there. I won't analyze, it will be way too long. I've been in a constant state of amusement at myself for 4 years and now, the laughs are all with a breath of sadness as I realize that I fell into my niche too late. I never found happiness or acceptance with a large group of people until I was about to depart from them forever.

Enough reflection, here is the news:

We went to see "Cold Mountain." It was my second time but it was more enjoyable as I got to catch the first 10 minutes this go around. All of us saw it - Mary, Niki, Steph, & myself. That was quite a phenomena in itself, everyone getting together to just see a movie. I enjoyed myself. No boys, except for the beautiful stubbled 10+ foot face of Jude Law. I laughed a lot more because I knew what was coming and I knew what reactions I could expect, plus there was the occasional joke - a menace of spit wads on the ceiling, the remarkable "dustiness" that overcame Steph's particular vicinity at the end scene. The movie was fun but the night had just begun (Don't you love my cliched little rhymes? They are so awful I feel like smacking myself when I type them. I should at least delete them but no sense in hiding that you are naturally a stupid cornball, right? See above.).

We piled into my dad's ghetto ass Oldsmobile Toronado (about as old as me, maybe a little older) and barreled through the parking lot on the land ship to cruise in for drinks & dessert at Red Robin. We walked in to the same song playing the last time I left the place - Erasure's 1986 hit "Oh, L'Amour," which for some sick reason, I know all the words to. Put at a corner booth and greeted by the buzzed, round head of a waiter named "Chad." Fun commenced every time he meandered into view. We gave him the immature and late night, "'off-work' catholic school girl" kind of hell that could only be expected with the lot of us. Drinks/Sundaes and even a small bowl of cherries were ordered. Gratuitious sloppy flirting was abound, cherry stems knotted.. it was one of the most hilarious experiences of my life. I came off drunk as I constantly laughed about the "Cherokee Hut" from the movie which is now an inside euphemism for a "love shack," I remember someone asking if my drink was spiked. We filled out a comment card with some of the personal details we'd wrung out of poor Chad and even a raunchy haiku for him, orchestrated cooperatively. I wrote the first 2 lines but I can even remember how it went. All I know is it said something about "Chad" in the first line and went into "come back to my Cherokee/hut" for the second and first part of the third line. Good times had by all I guess. That haiku is still weighing down my conscious. Oh and the number we left on the table. Now that sounds horrible to me now that the adolescent adrenaline has stopped flowing but then I remind myself, we could have really been drinking and really been hitting on older guys. It was just ice cream and a waiter on a late shift that looked like he could use a laugh. Moment to remember though.

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I watched "Fight Club" twice in a row. The second time with the actor's commentary. I loved every second of it. I wanted to see it since it came out in the box office but I never got around to it. God, I love cult movies. I'm one of those people that need to identify with something, with a crowd I guess. The movie had nothing to do with me at all, though. It was about mindless violence and the malaise that afflicts people - specifically men from the transition of hunter to desk jockey. The fact that Brad Pitt was in it probably had a lot to do with my fascination. His Lenny Kravitz costumes were hilarious, especially this pink fleecy bathrobe with teacups. I'm a fool for costume changes. His are the best, he makes "Ocean's 11" amazing. I love Brad Pitt not because of his ridiculous good looks but because he just adds quirks to his characters. Commentary revealed that the bathrobe was from his own collection and a scene where he is crunching potato chips over the phone was of his own doing. The scene reminded me of "11" as was constantly shown eating something. See both if you haven't. I cannot wait for "Troy." I am just anxious as a chihuahua. Sure, I doubt it will be a role he can add personal fashion sense and modern day humanism to but it will be a dynamic performance. ::cough::Orlando Bloom::cough::

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We go back to school Monday. Strake slackers go back on Wednesday. Ugh, what a stupid world. I found my Spring schedule so I will not be a lost lamb the first day back. I drew a self portrait with a dying Sharpie that came out pretty goddamn awesome as it was totally spur of the moment, done with a media as blase to the moment as myself, and happened in 6 minutes. It pleases me so much that I'm putting it in my portfolio. This is why I should be on drugs. I would be a genius. When I let myself go, when I just stop caring.. stuff flows. Watching that movie helped, it was like a colorful tablet of total release. It was what every movie is supposed to be, it cut me off from what was around me - like a happy chemical combo with potency and to the effec that I just felt free for 4 and a half hours. Now I'm tripping on life. I've been "clogged" for weeks, what poor timing I have. School is in about 30 more hours, the clock is ticking. Free before the new chains are put on. Woe that is my life. But yeah, I now have several half completed pieces, several unanswered questions, a hundred uncompleted tasks. My next few hours are a flurry of my thoughts and paranoias of the last few weeks converted into a hail that will surely beat me mercilessly.

Life is bleak but entirely beautiful right now.