Going to cry..

[transomwhiplass]

I think I'm going to cry. Alex has really hurt me and alienated me more than anyone has before. He tried to apologize but I won't accept an apology without an aim - he has no idea why I'm really upset.

My emotional scales have been so out of whack. I've been trying to be there for so many at once. All the sudden he tells me that it is all a joke, he's being a heartless bastard, he doesn't need me.. he was just bored. He thinks its funny and amusing to make me put myself out through events that I really needed to dedicate myself to.

I always say, it is cruel and unusual to make adolescents go through some of the most critically and future determining decisions when they are so emotionally out of whack and crazy on hormones. At our most indecisive, we must decide what we want to pursue in life. When our hormones are wild, we must keep a clear head. Its sick.

I've been trying to balance myself. I do a good job. I budget my energy and emotions to where I have enough to cover all my commitments to work, friends, and family. I even have a little extra for insurance. I know how to pace myself, I appreciate time.. I've kept a very clear head for 4 years.

This break, I've been balancing very carefully. I'm stockpiling my emotions, my enthusiasm, & my energy for the creativity which I need to funnel into my portfolio. My insurance energy/emotions went into one particular friends problem. Today, I expended everything I had. Then Alex came in and just unsettled everything because he was bored. This was not the fucking time to do this. I don't think I know him now, I don't think I ever knew him.

My soul is raw right now. My commitments are flogging what has been left uncovered.

Tis' the fucking season to be merry.

Comments

Awww, no more worries.

[ghost-next-door.livejournal.com]

It's quite admiring how you care and tend for all of us at the same time, albeit that care and concern go unrequitted or taken for granted at times, especially during all this seasonal-cheery-commercialist-holiday crap going on. x_x; But really, I think sometimes, you should just let things happen, not only for the sake of lessened stress on your behalf but for the experience everyone else receives from it. In other words, the best way to improve is to make mistakes first. If all the negative events in our childhood were cancelled out, we'd probably be severely irresponsible, naive and arguably stupid adolescents. In fact, some of the WORST parental figures I've ever seen had spoiled, comparatively-speaking stressfree younger years.

Maybe all these individuals whom stress you out so much, should just live their lives. If hell breaks loose, they learn. If not, they're happy, I suppose. =)

[superspazmizu.livejournal.com]