Confession..
Dec. 15th, 2003 10:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassMy mom picked up the negatives of my senior pictures without telling me. She tried to show my dad without me around but she didn't see me standing right behind her.
You know, they looked REALLY bad on the computer. While the stupid fucking lady was taking them.. I knew they would be bad. But I was not PREPARED.. for how bad. I had no time to get dressed, I had NOTHING on my face except a rogue strand of hair the fucking woman was too FUCKING IGNORANT to point out WHEN IT HAPPENED. She couldn't just tell me to tuck it between photos - SHE JUST LEFT IT. THAT GODDAMN UGLY STUPID STRAND OF HAIR THAT I HAVE SWORN AT AND TRIED TO KILL ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS IN ADOLESCENCE WHEN IT RANDOMLY STARTED GROWING OUT AND IN THE WRONG DIRECTION IN 6TH GRADE. THAT SAME STRAND OF HAIR THAT I HATE WILL NOW BE IN MY FUCKING SENIOR PICTURE FOREVER. My shirt looks REALLY bad with the background, the only reason I went with that instead of the shirt I wanted was because the FUCKING IGNORANT woman said it was "boring." The same FUCKING IGNORANT woman that kept telling me to "SMILE!!" WHAT KIND OF BRAIN DEAD FUCK OF A PHOTOGRAPHER PUSHES SMILING ON PEOPLE - NO ONE SMILES ANYMORE, IT JUST ISN'T ATTRACTIVE PLUS.. IN THIS DAY AND AGE WHAT IS THERE TO SMILE ABOUT?? YOU JUST LIKE SOME STUPID FUCK WITH A GRIN ON YOUR FACE AND YOU LOOK HOITY TOITY AND POSED. If it were not for the fact that my mom has a $120 deposit on the spawn from Satan and a dipshit, I would have burned them back to their origin. I'm so angry.
I have a SEVERE problem with pictures. In everything else in life, I'm very indecisive.. but if you SHOW me a picture of myself, I will instantly like it or reject it with the most ardent and furious passion, the you-better-hope-you-can drop-it-before-I-slice-off-your-hand kind. I think it is because I'm extremely occupied with my image. I'm an extremely vain person. I'm the person who looks in every mirror she passes, any reflective object for that matter, and "foofs" till I'm satisfied. It looks like narcissism but I think it is more self-loathing. I really hate myself sometimes, pictures capture an image forever- an image I detest for the majority of the time staring at me, reminding me of how much I hate it. To give you an idea of how sick it has become - we took our Christmas picture in front of our front door on my digital camera. There was one that I thought looked "ok" but everyone else in the picture looked bad. There was another that everyone else looked good it, but I looked like a drunk person. I was at a crossroads, the one where I look good.. or everyone else looks good. I decided going for myself was just too greedy. I ended up Photoshopping my head from the good one onto the other.
Our last assignment in drawing was the self portrait. It forced me to deal with serious issues head on, god.. sorry for the pun. Here I was with the ultimate power to recreate my image. I ended up not having so much of a choice because it was hard enough trying to capture my likeness without trying to satisfy myself.
So that is my problem of the day. I don't care if anyone tries to consle me, don't even try.. you will just look like a floundering suck-up and I don't want to think that of any of my friends. I will hash it out some day with a psychiatrist some day, he/she is there to be hated for making you confront your inner demons. A few words never makes up for years of issues. This is something I need to deal with alone but I really wanted to explain why I'm camera shy. My dad laughed at me saying I was scared for that my "soul get trapped in 'magic box'," he can laugh as much as he wants. So can that stupid woman that worked for Marc Nathan, she is a horrible person in my eyes for not giving me fair warning. She is a horrible person for putting time above our money. I will murder my mother if she gets prints of any of those photos. There is one for the year book but that is all that is important.
Ugh. My face is flushed and I'm all hot & bothered now.
By the way while I'm thinking about it, my phil. notes suck as much as my senior pictures.
You know, they looked REALLY bad on the computer. While the stupid fucking lady was taking them.. I knew they would be bad. But I was not PREPARED.. for how bad. I had no time to get dressed, I had NOTHING on my face except a rogue strand of hair the fucking woman was too FUCKING IGNORANT to point out WHEN IT HAPPENED. She couldn't just tell me to tuck it between photos - SHE JUST LEFT IT. THAT GODDAMN UGLY STUPID STRAND OF HAIR THAT I HAVE SWORN AT AND TRIED TO KILL ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS IN ADOLESCENCE WHEN IT RANDOMLY STARTED GROWING OUT AND IN THE WRONG DIRECTION IN 6TH GRADE. THAT SAME STRAND OF HAIR THAT I HATE WILL NOW BE IN MY FUCKING SENIOR PICTURE FOREVER. My shirt looks REALLY bad with the background, the only reason I went with that instead of the shirt I wanted was because the FUCKING IGNORANT woman said it was "boring." The same FUCKING IGNORANT woman that kept telling me to "SMILE!!" WHAT KIND OF BRAIN DEAD FUCK OF A PHOTOGRAPHER PUSHES SMILING ON PEOPLE - NO ONE SMILES ANYMORE, IT JUST ISN'T ATTRACTIVE PLUS.. IN THIS DAY AND AGE WHAT IS THERE TO SMILE ABOUT?? YOU JUST LIKE SOME STUPID FUCK WITH A GRIN ON YOUR FACE AND YOU LOOK HOITY TOITY AND POSED. If it were not for the fact that my mom has a $120 deposit on the spawn from Satan and a dipshit, I would have burned them back to their origin. I'm so angry.
I have a SEVERE problem with pictures. In everything else in life, I'm very indecisive.. but if you SHOW me a picture of myself, I will instantly like it or reject it with the most ardent and furious passion, the you-better-hope-you-can drop-it-before-I-slice-off-your-hand kind. I think it is because I'm extremely occupied with my image. I'm an extremely vain person. I'm the person who looks in every mirror she passes, any reflective object for that matter, and "foofs" till I'm satisfied. It looks like narcissism but I think it is more self-loathing. I really hate myself sometimes, pictures capture an image forever- an image I detest for the majority of the time staring at me, reminding me of how much I hate it. To give you an idea of how sick it has become - we took our Christmas picture in front of our front door on my digital camera. There was one that I thought looked "ok" but everyone else in the picture looked bad. There was another that everyone else looked good it, but I looked like a drunk person. I was at a crossroads, the one where I look good.. or everyone else looks good. I decided going for myself was just too greedy. I ended up Photoshopping my head from the good one onto the other.
Our last assignment in drawing was the self portrait. It forced me to deal with serious issues head on, god.. sorry for the pun. Here I was with the ultimate power to recreate my image. I ended up not having so much of a choice because it was hard enough trying to capture my likeness without trying to satisfy myself.
So that is my problem of the day. I don't care if anyone tries to consle me, don't even try.. you will just look like a floundering suck-up and I don't want to think that of any of my friends. I will hash it out some day with a psychiatrist some day, he/she is there to be hated for making you confront your inner demons. A few words never makes up for years of issues. This is something I need to deal with alone but I really wanted to explain why I'm camera shy. My dad laughed at me saying I was scared for that my "soul get trapped in 'magic box'," he can laugh as much as he wants. So can that stupid woman that worked for Marc Nathan, she is a horrible person in my eyes for not giving me fair warning. She is a horrible person for putting time above our money. I will murder my mother if she gets prints of any of those photos. There is one for the year book but that is all that is important.
Ugh. My face is flushed and I'm all hot & bothered now.
By the way while I'm thinking about it, my phil. notes suck as much as my senior pictures.
