I really hurt someone..

[transomwhiplass]

I'm an awful person. I hurt someone when I was mad at someone else. I shot into the dark hoping to hit the target of my anger and I struck someone who I actually really care about.

I think its ironic that while I was writing, my dad told me "no names". Its really ironic that while reading the comment, I thought it was from him. Its even more ironic that I wrote an extremely spiteful and hate-ridden post aimed at him for reading my journal (which he does), it was a total character assasination on him. I ended up making private. I'm glad I did because it wasn't him.

I deleted the post after I saw the comment because while rereading my words.. I realized how untrue all of it was. How hateful it was and how much I was trying to hurt my mother by it. When I read it the next day, the emotions were gone. So twice, while trying to hurt my parents.. I ignored how much I was hurting someone else.

I have to say that people who read this journal probably have a lot less respect for me than those who don't. This is my place to crash, in some ways.. its a better image of my true self than I portray to the world, that is - when I'm in a good mood. In others, its like doppelganger (god, I love that word) thrashing its evil on the world. I'm glad that I have a place to vent for the most part, it lets me get the bad emotion out. However, I always get myself in trouble. I get upset and write things, I just spew them.. I don't articulately connect my words.. I just let all the awful out. I forget the good that I feel when I'm upset and I just hurt people.

The other day. I wrote something awful about Mary. She read it and it killed me. I had to get those thoughts out so they wouldn't consume me but I acted like such a hypocrite when I did(I did one of those awful hypothetical posts that I always criticize harshly). A few hours after that post and today, I am miles away from those thoughts about her.. they aren't even close to the opinion I hold. I've said this before, when I write here.. its like squeezing toothpaste from my head to make room for better opinions.

So let me set the record straight. I don't hate Mr. W as much as I write that I do. Philosophy is a frustrating class because I know that he is right a lot of the time. I agreed with his fundamental view on women and thought that most of my classmates that I usually really respect were acting like a pack of crazed feminist hyenas when they tried to refute his statements. They couldn't accept the fact that women do have a fundamental aspect of their natures to reproduce - they didn't want to accept it as a fact of life. I don't hate Republicans, my mom is one. I have friends who are. Think Star Wars, Yoda's "fear" to "hate" speech. Now apply to George Bush, "I'm afraid of the decisions he is making".. now continue that and you get some really misguided thoughts. I don't hate Conservatives (except for Ann Coulter because if she had the legal power she would probably crucify liberals, meaning most of my friends).. I have a very conservative view on abortion. I think it is wrong. That is very far from the liberal democratic tree but it is something that I've reasoned to - murder is murder from any point of view. For that matter, I'm not a blind Dean supporter. He is extremely pro-choice, and that makes me EXTREMELY hesitant to support him. I do like his other views on issues but I cannot fully believe in someone that believes in killing babies.

Let me say I have my head up my ass most of the time. Its true. I'm going to practice a better degree of keeping a rational mind of my shoulders while writing, I'm tired of inadvertently hurting people. I need a better way of expelling inner anger than spewing guideless anger. So further, let me apologize if I have ever in anyway hurt you through this journal. It was a miracle that I wasn't expelled for something that happened because of it last year, I will be truly blessed if everyone I've hurt manages find forgiveness for me. I need to go under radical conversion or close this journal (this is the first time I've ever considered it, not even after I cried for a week because of the first time it got me in trouble), its not worth jeopardizing my relationships I feel for people.

So let me just say, Sarah sucks. I'm the only character I really "assasinate" through all of this.

Comments

i assent...

[copolo.livejournal.com]

sarah doesn't suck. sarah is an incredibly mature and well-spoken individual.