Ok, sorry.
Oct. 29th, 2003 09:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassI accidently triple posted. It's because my goddamn computer was going slow and when it finally switched to the confirmation page, it was a white screen. I was trying to get it through because I had already spent so much time trying to get to the update screen and get the correct link from the website. DID I MENTION MY SO-CALLED-DSL IS GOING REALLY FUCKING SLOW?!?! Anyway.. then my mom is whining "waa waa.. I need it for all of 5 minutes" while I'm yelling back "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ALL I SHOULD NEED IS 5 SECONDS IF THIS THING WAS WORKING PROPERLY!!"
I started to delete but of course that was too slow. My mom was yelling. So I just left it. I AM aware of my error. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Sorry sorry sorry.
I'm extremely frustrated with my mom and myself. We were so close to finishing the godforsaken paper today. So incredibly close, I kept telling myself "another 5 minutes.. just another 5 minutes" unfortunately I told myself that 24 times. So, I left at 5. I was so wrapped up, I didn't turn my cell on. Ok.. stupid error on my part but my parents have always been fine about stuff like that. They know that I don't do bad stuff, they should know I'm not galavanting somewhere, they have trusted me and not worried about me calling untill a month ago. I don't know when my mom decided that I have to call whenever something goes wrong. I have done almost everytime in the past, she has told me, "I know you don't have to.. but I really appreciate that you do call." SO WHEN DID SHE STOP TRUSTING ME??! I don't know.. I have paranoid ideas to why she wants me to call all the time. I think it has to do with something I told her not because it actually effects me but only that something was bothering me. I wonder if it has to do with that. I don't know.. she is just REALLY bothering me right now.
Paper is being a bitch. The whole staff is a crapping bunch of fuckers who should just shut up and die. They are counterproductive and make my life harder. We asked them to write paragraphs about their own preformance and what they would like to be doing. Let me break down my "favorites", I'll keep it anonymous except for the fact that they are ALL seniors:
- I think have done alright work. (DIRECT QUOTE) You guys yell too much. It is counterproductive and I don't appreciate it. I turned my last article in on time. Journalism isn't fun like it was last year.
- I know we had a misunderstanding about my XXXXXXXXX XXXXX Column. It was miscommunication. I'm very sorry. I think I have been working to my capacity and have full responsiblity of my page (Sarah's Addition: EVEN THOUGH I DO DIDDLY SHIT AND LEAVE OTHERS TO CLEAN UP MY WORK. I'M SO IMPORTANT THAT I CAN DISMISS MY BLATANT LACK OF MORALITY ON YOUR INABILITY TO READ MY NONEXISTANT/INVISIBLE CREDIT SAYING THAT I TOOK THE ARTICLE OFF THIS WEBSITE. YOU KNOW IT WAS ON THERE.. MY BYLINE SAYING THAT I WROTE IT? A TYPO.. SORRY ABOUT THE MISCOMMUNICATION!)
- I think I'm like, doing the best possible work. I think I have really, like, gotten pretty good at editing articles.
- I don't take the paper seriously as you guys. I want to give my position to this other person. Sorry.
- I don't know why you didn't publish my very, well-recieved article on the XXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXX thing. People liked it and I don't understand. I didn't mess up this certain thing.. it must have been your fault (SA: EVEN THOUGH SARAH IS A CRAZY FREAK WHO DID ALL THE TEMPLATES HERSELF IN A STATE OF OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOUR SHE ONLY RESERVES FOR JOURNALISM.. SHE MUST HAVE DONE IT WRONG BECAUSE THAT IS WHY SHE SPENDS 10 MINUTES MAKING SURE INVISIBLE THINGS ARE SPACED JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF PICAS. IT COULDN'T BE THAT I'M A STUCK UP BITCH WHO AT THE AGE OF 18 CANNOT ACCOUNT FOR HER ACTIONS AND CANNOT READ CLEARLY EXPRESSED MESSAGES FOLLOWED BY NO LESS THAN 10 EXCLAMATION POINTS)
As you can see, bitter doesn't begin to describe my feelings right now. We distributed different jobs today. I think we did a good job, we gave people who worked hard what they wanted.. or the next best thing available. We didn't please everyone and we feel bad. To someone out there who isn't 100% satisfied with her job, I might actually get "angry" if you bring it up. I would like to say though.. if another certain someone fucks up entirely, which her fuck up record (flawless of any actual success!) indicates is more that possible, she will probably get the job that she wants. That is all I'm going to say.
-----
Ok. That was a whole bunch of happy! I'm upset with myself. The paper has turned me from being happy and outdoors into this angry, bitter hobbit/golem of room 117.
I'm just so upset these days. I can't get ahold of philosophy, I have random holes in my notes. I'm afraid to ask for help because I'm so worried people will think I'm using them. I just.. I can't do this. My dad is constantly asking me if I've given up on Rice or if I've decided to take a year off. No one understands. No one understands my commitments. I just want to leave. I want to drop out and just leave. My mom says that "she really doesn't care at all about the paper." She might as well have crucified my first born. My friends came by to see me the other day after my econ. quiz at lunch and I snapped at them. I wanted to get work done, I looked a bit puffy and colorless when I woke up - stress has drained color from my face and personality, so I had put on makeup. It was the first thing the noticed.. and I just.. snapped. I never see Niki. She doesn't talk to me. Its just so odd.
People on the paper bother me because they just know that it gets done, that the paper will get put out somehow with little to no help from them. The fact that they can go run around with their friends and do stuff everyday and breathe and have time for other classes and not skip after school stuff (::cough:: orchestra) really bothers me. I do so much. I get a little stressed. Laura is the one that actually yells and then they have the nerve to complain. "Waa.. I don't appreciate you calling our work 'garbage' or 'trash'" All I can say is, "honey.. wake up your a senior. I'm not going to sugar coat your failure.. I'm going to point it out so that you don't waste anymore of my time."
UGH!
I haven't taken my phil. test. I'm doing it tomorrrow. I'm not even close to ready. I'm just so.. ugh. He makes me want to cry some days. He always ends up wandering around and then ends up facing the class while turning his backside to me. I don't know why. Today, I couldn't even hear him. Its like he doesn't want me to learn. I've decided to stop saying how much I hate him and how much I hate philosophy. Its not helping my grade, it is just sticking me in this immature mindset common to a 4 year old. I hate you so I'm not going to listen to you. Today, I was actually trying to get into what he was saying.. but I found myself staring at his back. I can't learn like this. I need help. I need to get my forms out. I'm so upset.
---
My mom just came in and apologized to me. I just spewed everything on my mind and I think I will go waste half an hour to listen to how marvelous I am. My ego got dragged through total shit today.. it could use a boost.
I started to delete but of course that was too slow. My mom was yelling. So I just left it. I AM aware of my error. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Sorry sorry sorry.
I'm extremely frustrated with my mom and myself. We were so close to finishing the godforsaken paper today. So incredibly close, I kept telling myself "another 5 minutes.. just another 5 minutes" unfortunately I told myself that 24 times. So, I left at 5. I was so wrapped up, I didn't turn my cell on. Ok.. stupid error on my part but my parents have always been fine about stuff like that. They know that I don't do bad stuff, they should know I'm not galavanting somewhere, they have trusted me and not worried about me calling untill a month ago. I don't know when my mom decided that I have to call whenever something goes wrong. I have done almost everytime in the past, she has told me, "I know you don't have to.. but I really appreciate that you do call." SO WHEN DID SHE STOP TRUSTING ME??! I don't know.. I have paranoid ideas to why she wants me to call all the time. I think it has to do with something I told her not because it actually effects me but only that something was bothering me. I wonder if it has to do with that. I don't know.. she is just REALLY bothering me right now.
Paper is being a bitch. The whole staff is a crapping bunch of fuckers who should just shut up and die. They are counterproductive and make my life harder. We asked them to write paragraphs about their own preformance and what they would like to be doing. Let me break down my "favorites", I'll keep it anonymous except for the fact that they are ALL seniors:
- I think have done alright work. (DIRECT QUOTE) You guys yell too much. It is counterproductive and I don't appreciate it. I turned my last article in on time. Journalism isn't fun like it was last year.
- I know we had a misunderstanding about my XXXXXXXXX XXXXX Column. It was miscommunication. I'm very sorry. I think I have been working to my capacity and have full responsiblity of my page (Sarah's Addition: EVEN THOUGH I DO DIDDLY SHIT AND LEAVE OTHERS TO CLEAN UP MY WORK. I'M SO IMPORTANT THAT I CAN DISMISS MY BLATANT LACK OF MORALITY ON YOUR INABILITY TO READ MY NONEXISTANT/INVISIBLE CREDIT SAYING THAT I TOOK THE ARTICLE OFF THIS WEBSITE. YOU KNOW IT WAS ON THERE.. MY BYLINE SAYING THAT I WROTE IT? A TYPO.. SORRY ABOUT THE MISCOMMUNICATION!)
- I think I'm like, doing the best possible work. I think I have really, like, gotten pretty good at editing articles.
- I don't take the paper seriously as you guys. I want to give my position to this other person. Sorry.
- I don't know why you didn't publish my very, well-recieved article on the XXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXX thing. People liked it and I don't understand. I didn't mess up this certain thing.. it must have been your fault (SA: EVEN THOUGH SARAH IS A CRAZY FREAK WHO DID ALL THE TEMPLATES HERSELF IN A STATE OF OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOUR SHE ONLY RESERVES FOR JOURNALISM.. SHE MUST HAVE DONE IT WRONG BECAUSE THAT IS WHY SHE SPENDS 10 MINUTES MAKING SURE INVISIBLE THINGS ARE SPACED JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF PICAS. IT COULDN'T BE THAT I'M A STUCK UP BITCH WHO AT THE AGE OF 18 CANNOT ACCOUNT FOR HER ACTIONS AND CANNOT READ CLEARLY EXPRESSED MESSAGES FOLLOWED BY NO LESS THAN 10 EXCLAMATION POINTS)
As you can see, bitter doesn't begin to describe my feelings right now. We distributed different jobs today. I think we did a good job, we gave people who worked hard what they wanted.. or the next best thing available. We didn't please everyone and we feel bad. To someone out there who isn't 100% satisfied with her job, I might actually get "angry" if you bring it up. I would like to say though.. if another certain someone fucks up entirely, which her fuck up record (flawless of any actual success!) indicates is more that possible, she will probably get the job that she wants. That is all I'm going to say.
-----
Ok. That was a whole bunch of happy! I'm upset with myself. The paper has turned me from being happy and outdoors into this angry, bitter hobbit/golem of room 117.
I'm just so upset these days. I can't get ahold of philosophy, I have random holes in my notes. I'm afraid to ask for help because I'm so worried people will think I'm using them. I just.. I can't do this. My dad is constantly asking me if I've given up on Rice or if I've decided to take a year off. No one understands. No one understands my commitments. I just want to leave. I want to drop out and just leave. My mom says that "she really doesn't care at all about the paper." She might as well have crucified my first born. My friends came by to see me the other day after my econ. quiz at lunch and I snapped at them. I wanted to get work done, I looked a bit puffy and colorless when I woke up - stress has drained color from my face and personality, so I had put on makeup. It was the first thing the noticed.. and I just.. snapped. I never see Niki. She doesn't talk to me. Its just so odd.
People on the paper bother me because they just know that it gets done, that the paper will get put out somehow with little to no help from them. The fact that they can go run around with their friends and do stuff everyday and breathe and have time for other classes and not skip after school stuff (::cough:: orchestra) really bothers me. I do so much. I get a little stressed. Laura is the one that actually yells and then they have the nerve to complain. "Waa.. I don't appreciate you calling our work 'garbage' or 'trash'" All I can say is, "honey.. wake up your a senior. I'm not going to sugar coat your failure.. I'm going to point it out so that you don't waste anymore of my time."
UGH!
I haven't taken my phil. test. I'm doing it tomorrrow. I'm not even close to ready. I'm just so.. ugh. He makes me want to cry some days. He always ends up wandering around and then ends up facing the class while turning his backside to me. I don't know why. Today, I couldn't even hear him. Its like he doesn't want me to learn. I've decided to stop saying how much I hate him and how much I hate philosophy. Its not helping my grade, it is just sticking me in this immature mindset common to a 4 year old. I hate you so I'm not going to listen to you. Today, I was actually trying to get into what he was saying.. but I found myself staring at his back. I can't learn like this. I need help. I need to get my forms out. I'm so upset.
---
My mom just came in and apologized to me. I just spewed everything on my mind and I think I will go waste half an hour to listen to how marvelous I am. My ego got dragged through total shit today.. it could use a boost.
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no subject
Date: 2003-10-29 08:58 pm (UTC)becca
no subject
Date: 2003-10-30 12:14 am (UTC)keep your head up! you do a fantastic job, i totally read the paper, even from here, and it looks great. i know it's a LOT harder than people think it is, being the editor and whatnot. my best friend is editor of the yearbook, and she gets dragged through a LOT of shit. it's really ridiculous, since you guys never get the credit you deserve for doing so much work...
well, keep up the good work. some people know you work really hard, and if you're satisfied doing that, good for you!
joyce