Some things about me if you don't know..
Oct. 27th, 2003 09:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassI think my outlook on life has drastically changed in the last few months. I know I have acknowledged this in braggy posts of new found politics and networked allies at school. But I really think events have forced me out in the world. I realized somewhere along the line that friends and familiar faces are not always going to be around.. you have to eventually shatter your comfort barriers and just trust strangers. I made my friends by fluke, I'm pretty sure. If that is so, I got incredibly lucky - they are amazing people. I cannot pinpoint how I initiated these relationships but I do know that between sophomore and junior year.. it would have been impossible for me to start over. Some how a great sheltering blind just covered me. I had my friends. I did my school work. That was life. I didn't need to look any further than what was placed before me.
Even though I still consider myself quite publicly reserved, Sarah today would have shocked an older version into an alternate dimension.
The point of this post is not to just talk about this change.. really, I want to note somethings that haven't changed.
- PDA still freaks me out to no end.
- When I'm uncomfortable, I stop paying attention and distract myself to the point that I'm souly existing within my own head.
- I like to fake a lot of drama whenever there is a call for emotions. For example, the last few days have involved a decent portion of stress to try and get the paper finished. In one case, Elizabeth just screwed up. Her pictures, titles, and even MARGINS were wrong. I threw a huge angry, profane fit. But honestly.. it was kind of a joke. I didn't really expect Elizabeth to get anything right anyway.. I knew that I would have to re do her pages. I have this constant urge to keep the moment alive, keep conversation spontaneous, and to keep people that I'm comfortable around entertained. I think, however, I ended up scaring those in the room to the point that they were actually scared of me. Elizabeth is a bit dumb and shouldn't be on the paper.. but as far as hating the thread of her being? I don't even feel close to that (though I won't say the same for her feelings towards me). I don't know why I feel the need to be dramatic like this.. but I hope it doesn't freak you out. It takes A LOT to truly get me angry. 99% of the time my actions are in jest. So that is a for your information. I like to play around.. I don't like to take things seriously. You can call it a character flaw, a deeption tactic, a defense mechanism.. whatever. It is probably a combination of deeply instilled psychological distortion but it is me. Don't let my emotions freak you out. This is one of the reasons that I often hid my true colors from people.. I was worried that personality and phony emotional outbursts would kill or at least confuse people.
I don't know. I know that I've frightened a couple people recently.
------
I am extremely proud of myself. I have dealt with something with a new personal record in maturity. I can feel the threshold of adulthood drawing closer. I can cope. I can reciprocate trust. This is definetly a good thing.
Even though I still consider myself quite publicly reserved, Sarah today would have shocked an older version into an alternate dimension.
The point of this post is not to just talk about this change.. really, I want to note somethings that haven't changed.
- PDA still freaks me out to no end.
- When I'm uncomfortable, I stop paying attention and distract myself to the point that I'm souly existing within my own head.
- I like to fake a lot of drama whenever there is a call for emotions. For example, the last few days have involved a decent portion of stress to try and get the paper finished. In one case, Elizabeth just screwed up. Her pictures, titles, and even MARGINS were wrong. I threw a huge angry, profane fit. But honestly.. it was kind of a joke. I didn't really expect Elizabeth to get anything right anyway.. I knew that I would have to re do her pages. I have this constant urge to keep the moment alive, keep conversation spontaneous, and to keep people that I'm comfortable around entertained. I think, however, I ended up scaring those in the room to the point that they were actually scared of me. Elizabeth is a bit dumb and shouldn't be on the paper.. but as far as hating the thread of her being? I don't even feel close to that (though I won't say the same for her feelings towards me). I don't know why I feel the need to be dramatic like this.. but I hope it doesn't freak you out. It takes A LOT to truly get me angry. 99% of the time my actions are in jest. So that is a for your information. I like to play around.. I don't like to take things seriously. You can call it a character flaw, a deeption tactic, a defense mechanism.. whatever. It is probably a combination of deeply instilled psychological distortion but it is me. Don't let my emotions freak you out. This is one of the reasons that I often hid my true colors from people.. I was worried that personality and phony emotional outbursts would kill or at least confuse people.
I don't know. I know that I've frightened a couple people recently.
------
I am extremely proud of myself. I have dealt with something with a new personal record in maturity. I can feel the threshold of adulthood drawing closer. I can cope. I can reciprocate trust. This is definetly a good thing.
