ha.. funny..

[transomwhiplass]

So anyway, I was thinking and pondering about random stuffs.. and it came to my attention that I think I freak people out with my really upset, long, sad posts... as if I am so far in a pit of depression I just want to die everyday.. so I decided.. I want to clear up some concerns anyone might possibly have.. I don't know.. every journal I have had.. I never kept religiously... its easier with an internet one because I seem to live online.. so.. somehow it weighs out where my sad posts outnumber my happy ones.. I want to try and explain this phenomena.. I think my journal... is my vent.. everyday.. I come home tired.. bored.. just.. "blah".. all day.. just .. a wad of unhappiness builds up... you know that feeling where you know you are going to cry in the back of your throat? yeah.. like that.. so everyday.. or everytime something bad comes into my head... I just try to squeeze out that wad.. over the keyboard.. I relieve my mind and somehow it makes me feel better having it down in words... so everyday.. I try to shed this burden... and usually it works.. I feel from 5-80% better most of the time.. so why don't I have more happy posts? happy experiences are all about the moment.. its just something that happens so spontaneously.. you just for a second.. forget all the crap flying around.. and you smile.. its just a really awesome feeling... usually in my day.. I have so many little ones... I can't remember.. every so often I have one really big one where I can write it down.. so why is it shorter than the sad ones? because I am always so filled with so much happiness from that moment.. that I know it is absolutely pointless to try to remember every detail.. and by writing it down like that.. you really sacrifice its inner-preciousness.... you hold onto it forever.. but its your happy moment.. and no one with really understand it or feel it the same way... so basically to sum up.. happiness is in me... but my sadness is recorded and sealed up in words.. so I can reflect.. and just be joyful that that burden is no longer on me.. SO to sum up the summary.... god.. I can never get the point.. yes.. it always helps me to talk to someone when I feel like crap.. its great.. I feel so loved.. but just because I write something awful here doesnt mean you will never see me again because I am lying in a pool of my own blood.. ok? if it ever does get to that.. trust me you will know.. but dont worry.. I don't think it will ever.. so smile.. cry.. it doesnt matter.. just get to happiness somehow