I want to update
May. 31st, 2003 09:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassI have no reasons. But it felt.. well, time. Hold on to your chairs, or keep scrolling down.. this may be long. Adaptation is a good movie, by the way.
I know I've said this before, but I want to say it again. I want change. I want something different. Just, life. I want to move to the next stage. 3 years is too long to stay in one place. I need something to throw me off balance, no matter how much I loathe it and curse at it and detest its existance and random or not so random happening. I need it. I'm living for a change and dreading it. Talk about contradiction. But that's me. Miss Walking Contradiction. But, I don't think I'm alone. I used to. That was selfish. I like to do that, think I'm so different... it sets me apart in my head and comforts me either in that I can pretend I'm better because I'm different, or just about justify any other emotion. Because I am different. I can be better or worse than anyone else.. feeding both superiority/inferiority complexes. It's a cycle, people, the intense cycle of my mind.. and every other mind in existance.
The TV is on the same channel in two adjoining rooms without doors. It is distracting and stupid. The fact that my family wastes electricity because we lack the inner energy to consolidate ourselves in one room to enjoy the same program. When we do.. we leave the other on. Its like cheating for surround sound and if you have to leave one room, you just pick up in the next. Its convienient, but nevertheless stupid.
I went to the party store. To buy party stuff. That is what you buy at the party store. I don't know when its happening. Steph wanted it Friday. I was thinking today or tomorrow. Well. It wasn't today and tomorrow isn't looking right either. I'm thinking Wednesday or Thursday. I have to do housework. I was going to today, but well.. haha. I started cleaning my room. I've completed 1.5 corners. We started with the yard. My dad tried to start nailing the boards back up that got pulled down when the patio collapsed, it was too hot. No kidding. Houston is a cesspool right now. I decided to paint the tree house. I had to find some paint and all I could open was this nasty brown stuff we probably got when we moved. I found something which was either orange or yellow based on the label but I could not open the can and it was inside paint. I need outside paint to paint the tree house because I graffitied it while I was sampling the spray paint to spray these wooden coat hooks that we never hung up and I used to scare roaches when they infested my brother's room. They are gone now but the wooden coat hooks aren't serving their intended purpose and currently don't have one. The color white added nothing to their existance either. All that is left is some nihilistic pieces of wood and my name grafittied across our tree house. Maybe I will paint it tomorrow. The room still needs cleaning.
My mom found out stupid merideth was having a stupid pool party for the stupid orchestra at her stupid house. I didn't even KNOW it was happening. At least in past fucking years I knew it was happening and chose to ignore it. Merideth is a bitch. A sweet, sugar coated perfect beautiful bitch. I don't like her. She is a nice girl. Not like I would have gone, not like I wouldn't have made some REALLY nasty comments about how much its existance sucked. Nevertheless, I've been insulted. I don't like that. Its very un-Meredith-y which makes this all the more frustrating.
Orchestra is no longer interesting. The only reason I went. Maybe it stopped because I stopped going half the time. I think I'm the source of the drama. I think its all my fault and I'm the root of its evil. I used to claim it was Thomas. But that is ridiculous. I'm pretty sure it was me, but is that concieted trying to take all the credit?? I used to call it my soap opera. All the events freshman year. I could have ignored Analyn and Thomas for that matter. But I played them off eachother. I fed them information till they snapped at eachother. It was amusing, and still brings amusement to others today. It doesn't take away from the fact that I put people in a fight that was totally unnecessary. Either way, Thomas made out a winner (in his mind) and Analyn has never been the same since. I'm a horrible person. I like to think, "well I was only freshman." But that doesn't take away the fact that my actions were so profoundly inhumane. I feel bad now. The drama in that, I'm sure inspired Analyn to move on to Andre which caused everyone to see her as a psycho. Even me. I played that drama, it let me get closer to him. I was drawn to him like a moth. He was older, he thought I was interesting... creative, etc. I fed off of that and was addicted. That is why I like to blame him. But I was the one who committed the ultimate sin. I don't know. I see it two ways, depending on the day. Sometimes I see him as the serpent egging me on to take the apple and other days I just see him as the apple. Either way, he was a player in the crime. But I made a conscious decision to go to him and tell him stuff in the first place, to bite the hand that was feeding me. I think he gained the confidence from that to pursue knew things. He got involved with a friend. I worry sometimes that my stories of the past egged her on in some way. I don't know. For all of a month I was insanely jealous that he had found a new "pet." But I got over it. His confidence grew. He was horrible to her and moved on where he is continuously more horrible and confident. I wonder if I had not inspired that confidence in the first place, would he not be such a menace to society? I think the reason the drama has died is because I'm no longer their to orchestrate it. Haha, pun not intended. I don't know people so well this year. I have relationships with the people there, but they have much different lives than those in the beginning. They have so much more to live for than the original two, she living off of her infatuation and he living off of his hate. That was their life, some sort of relationship with eachother- good or bad. Today, the people in orchestra have much more deep lives. They are also a younger class, I feel like an old fogey sometimes. Nevertheless, they are all the same age and have closer bonds with eachother. I sort of hang around, like in Santa Fe but they survive without me like at Dallas. I think that is why Dallas hurt a lot. It hurt because of stuff that happened and the way events played out, but it also hurt because I realized those people could exist in orchestra without my presence. They developed their own jokes.. I've felt out of the loop since then. If I had any power or influence in the orchestra, its gone now. I'm just sort of the old person who remembers everything, the historian - unnecessary to the situation because in two more years everyone remotely involved will have graduated and a new class will have replaced us. Rendered existentially meaningless. If you fail to exist, your ideals.. your principles- they mean totally jack shit. Our drama, our relationships will be gone.. no one will care about Sarah or Thomas or Frankie or Belle.. we'll be gone and no one will care what the fuck happened to us in orchestra. It will be a canceled TV show that had little influence on the world. Not even worth rerunning.
Life is tragic. I like to think of everyone as drops of water making ripples in a pond, oh how cliche, I know. On the journey of life after hitting the pond, one runs into other ripples causing further disturbance in the water and the other ripples. Everything plays off of eachother, everyone is to blame. Sure Timmy hit Bobby but if Joe hadn't have thrown the can in the street which knocked Timmy off his bicycle rendering him totally afraid of the bike and not occupied in that slice of time where he whapped innocent Bobby futhering the fuck-upedness of life as Bobby went onto be a menace to society because he was picked on as a child. But everyone knows that. Why even say it. Sometimes that can be sheerly amazing. Its like that Simpsons episode when Homer goes back in time and takes one step in the grass and messes up life forever. He kills a mosquito and the same happens. One tiny thing throws off everything in life. Isn't that amazing? Its comforting to me somedays when I feel my existance is meaningless. I know its not because just existing has disturbed the force of life so much, I've probably made so many Bobbys in the world no one can count. But maybe that is concieted and giving myself too much credit. Maybe I did it now but if I hadn't, it would have happened anyway. The concept of fate. But who really knows. I don't. Either way is totally different. Either we have a profound effect on the world just by living- incredibly motivating or we have absolutely no effect- totally depressing. Like I said, my interpretation of the world differs with the mood. Which is probably the same for the rest of the world.
I like looking at people in their cars. I like to wonder where they are going on the road and in life. I wonder what struggles they have faced, are facing, and will face. Its humbling. Its looking at humanity from behind glass. In someways its like looking into a cage, but it more resembles looking from a cage. I wonder how animals feel and think.
I like singing in the car. Like, really singing. I like songs everyone thinks are stupid simply because I really like/can sing to them. It is a totally releasing experience for some reason. I can't really target why. Maybe you release a pheremone or stimulant into your blood stream or I don't know. I just love to sing in the car with the radio. Its a cheap thrill. Maybe that is what life is.. cheap thrills. We have these profound experiences and discoveries, but we have many over a lifetime. They seem great at the time but they are over as fast as they start. Humbling.
I think the key to happiness is being humble with success. The ratios look right. For the amount of the population that is completely happy, it averages with the amount that are totally humble. Well.. maybe not happy.. but totally likeable? I don't know. Either way, the world should be like Niki. Niki should be a revered god or holy leader, I know we joke- but I'm totally serious. Isn't that funny how the person who is so humble that she demands no attention is the one who should be getting it all? I want to tap her success. She is an amazing person, I'm almost satisfied in existance that I have been exposed to her at all in my lifetime. She is the only person I'm never frustrated with and can always just talk to, fully. At least in my closest circle.
The only people I open up to are those who I know have the greatest potential for being constants in my life. I have learned from early experience, from losing my best friend each year elementary and middle school. Usually they moved. But nevertheless. It scarred me from getting to close. I'm very protective of my small group of friends- they have been with me longer and I've grown closer to them than anyone else for one period of conscious time. When new people join our group. I'm often sheltered and quiet. I don't want them to know me. I don't want to forge relationships. I don't want them to go away with ammo against me or to have any ability to directly or indirectly hurt me just by leaving. That is how I layer my friendships. Its very much like Sarah's theory and I think I've talked about this before. I have those that are closest, then those who I think- really good aquaintances that I'm totally content talking to for long periods of time (they are almost friends except for I don't talk to them on a totally regular basis and we don't know those intimate details about eachothers lives), then everyone else. Good aquaintance or bad. I don't mean to offend anyone who joins the group when I shun them in my own way. But its my way of testing the water. If I don't scare them away or they don't just leave after about 2 weeks. I will warm up. I think that makes me really dislikable, but that is me. Nevertheless, Niki has a permanent spot for 3 years in that most inner circle. Others have reserved spots for notable amounts of time but some have shifted in and out permanently or temporarily. I liked to claim I was special in this way and pretend I was the only one with layers. Sarah had them.. but we have lots of similarites and I accepted that totally, she is also one of my most trusted persons. But I think everyone has their own line of defenses, at least introverts. I don't know. All I know is that I completely trust very few people which can be a shame sometimes. To know if I totally trust you, all you have to do is recall our relationship and think if I have done something totally stupid or immature and not been horribly embarresed by it. If I didn't spew excuses and try to account for it or make up in some way.. I probably trust you. That is why my trust level exists. So the truth to my weirdness won't really leak out to society. haha.
Life is weird. Thousands of thinkers have determined this. I don't need to say it but I will. Existing is possessing both physical and mental electricity which fires your synapses to live and create relationships. Isn't that amazing. Life is a force we cannot see. Sure, people like to think of the force as being profound- oooh... the hand of god or something. But physically, we do owe our existance to invisible force. Haha. Think about that for awhile. When I do, it makes getting electrocuted like touching the hand of god. I don't know, my deep thinking is coming to a close.
I've been IMed and I still need to clean my room.
I know I've said this before, but I want to say it again. I want change. I want something different. Just, life. I want to move to the next stage. 3 years is too long to stay in one place. I need something to throw me off balance, no matter how much I loathe it and curse at it and detest its existance and random or not so random happening. I need it. I'm living for a change and dreading it. Talk about contradiction. But that's me. Miss Walking Contradiction. But, I don't think I'm alone. I used to. That was selfish. I like to do that, think I'm so different... it sets me apart in my head and comforts me either in that I can pretend I'm better because I'm different, or just about justify any other emotion. Because I am different. I can be better or worse than anyone else.. feeding both superiority/inferiority complexes. It's a cycle, people, the intense cycle of my mind.. and every other mind in existance.
The TV is on the same channel in two adjoining rooms without doors. It is distracting and stupid. The fact that my family wastes electricity because we lack the inner energy to consolidate ourselves in one room to enjoy the same program. When we do.. we leave the other on. Its like cheating for surround sound and if you have to leave one room, you just pick up in the next. Its convienient, but nevertheless stupid.
I went to the party store. To buy party stuff. That is what you buy at the party store. I don't know when its happening. Steph wanted it Friday. I was thinking today or tomorrow. Well. It wasn't today and tomorrow isn't looking right either. I'm thinking Wednesday or Thursday. I have to do housework. I was going to today, but well.. haha. I started cleaning my room. I've completed 1.5 corners. We started with the yard. My dad tried to start nailing the boards back up that got pulled down when the patio collapsed, it was too hot. No kidding. Houston is a cesspool right now. I decided to paint the tree house. I had to find some paint and all I could open was this nasty brown stuff we probably got when we moved. I found something which was either orange or yellow based on the label but I could not open the can and it was inside paint. I need outside paint to paint the tree house because I graffitied it while I was sampling the spray paint to spray these wooden coat hooks that we never hung up and I used to scare roaches when they infested my brother's room. They are gone now but the wooden coat hooks aren't serving their intended purpose and currently don't have one. The color white added nothing to their existance either. All that is left is some nihilistic pieces of wood and my name grafittied across our tree house. Maybe I will paint it tomorrow. The room still needs cleaning.
My mom found out stupid merideth was having a stupid pool party for the stupid orchestra at her stupid house. I didn't even KNOW it was happening. At least in past fucking years I knew it was happening and chose to ignore it. Merideth is a bitch. A sweet, sugar coated perfect beautiful bitch. I don't like her. She is a nice girl. Not like I would have gone, not like I wouldn't have made some REALLY nasty comments about how much its existance sucked. Nevertheless, I've been insulted. I don't like that. Its very un-Meredith-y which makes this all the more frustrating.
Orchestra is no longer interesting. The only reason I went. Maybe it stopped because I stopped going half the time. I think I'm the source of the drama. I think its all my fault and I'm the root of its evil. I used to claim it was Thomas. But that is ridiculous. I'm pretty sure it was me, but is that concieted trying to take all the credit?? I used to call it my soap opera. All the events freshman year. I could have ignored Analyn and Thomas for that matter. But I played them off eachother. I fed them information till they snapped at eachother. It was amusing, and still brings amusement to others today. It doesn't take away from the fact that I put people in a fight that was totally unnecessary. Either way, Thomas made out a winner (in his mind) and Analyn has never been the same since. I'm a horrible person. I like to think, "well I was only freshman." But that doesn't take away the fact that my actions were so profoundly inhumane. I feel bad now. The drama in that, I'm sure inspired Analyn to move on to Andre which caused everyone to see her as a psycho. Even me. I played that drama, it let me get closer to him. I was drawn to him like a moth. He was older, he thought I was interesting... creative, etc. I fed off of that and was addicted. That is why I like to blame him. But I was the one who committed the ultimate sin. I don't know. I see it two ways, depending on the day. Sometimes I see him as the serpent egging me on to take the apple and other days I just see him as the apple. Either way, he was a player in the crime. But I made a conscious decision to go to him and tell him stuff in the first place, to bite the hand that was feeding me. I think he gained the confidence from that to pursue knew things. He got involved with a friend. I worry sometimes that my stories of the past egged her on in some way. I don't know. For all of a month I was insanely jealous that he had found a new "pet." But I got over it. His confidence grew. He was horrible to her and moved on where he is continuously more horrible and confident. I wonder if I had not inspired that confidence in the first place, would he not be such a menace to society? I think the reason the drama has died is because I'm no longer their to orchestrate it. Haha, pun not intended. I don't know people so well this year. I have relationships with the people there, but they have much different lives than those in the beginning. They have so much more to live for than the original two, she living off of her infatuation and he living off of his hate. That was their life, some sort of relationship with eachother- good or bad. Today, the people in orchestra have much more deep lives. They are also a younger class, I feel like an old fogey sometimes. Nevertheless, they are all the same age and have closer bonds with eachother. I sort of hang around, like in Santa Fe but they survive without me like at Dallas. I think that is why Dallas hurt a lot. It hurt because of stuff that happened and the way events played out, but it also hurt because I realized those people could exist in orchestra without my presence. They developed their own jokes.. I've felt out of the loop since then. If I had any power or influence in the orchestra, its gone now. I'm just sort of the old person who remembers everything, the historian - unnecessary to the situation because in two more years everyone remotely involved will have graduated and a new class will have replaced us. Rendered existentially meaningless. If you fail to exist, your ideals.. your principles- they mean totally jack shit. Our drama, our relationships will be gone.. no one will care about Sarah or Thomas or Frankie or Belle.. we'll be gone and no one will care what the fuck happened to us in orchestra. It will be a canceled TV show that had little influence on the world. Not even worth rerunning.
Life is tragic. I like to think of everyone as drops of water making ripples in a pond, oh how cliche, I know. On the journey of life after hitting the pond, one runs into other ripples causing further disturbance in the water and the other ripples. Everything plays off of eachother, everyone is to blame. Sure Timmy hit Bobby but if Joe hadn't have thrown the can in the street which knocked Timmy off his bicycle rendering him totally afraid of the bike and not occupied in that slice of time where he whapped innocent Bobby futhering the fuck-upedness of life as Bobby went onto be a menace to society because he was picked on as a child. But everyone knows that. Why even say it. Sometimes that can be sheerly amazing. Its like that Simpsons episode when Homer goes back in time and takes one step in the grass and messes up life forever. He kills a mosquito and the same happens. One tiny thing throws off everything in life. Isn't that amazing? Its comforting to me somedays when I feel my existance is meaningless. I know its not because just existing has disturbed the force of life so much, I've probably made so many Bobbys in the world no one can count. But maybe that is concieted and giving myself too much credit. Maybe I did it now but if I hadn't, it would have happened anyway. The concept of fate. But who really knows. I don't. Either way is totally different. Either we have a profound effect on the world just by living- incredibly motivating or we have absolutely no effect- totally depressing. Like I said, my interpretation of the world differs with the mood. Which is probably the same for the rest of the world.
I like looking at people in their cars. I like to wonder where they are going on the road and in life. I wonder what struggles they have faced, are facing, and will face. Its humbling. Its looking at humanity from behind glass. In someways its like looking into a cage, but it more resembles looking from a cage. I wonder how animals feel and think.
I like singing in the car. Like, really singing. I like songs everyone thinks are stupid simply because I really like/can sing to them. It is a totally releasing experience for some reason. I can't really target why. Maybe you release a pheremone or stimulant into your blood stream or I don't know. I just love to sing in the car with the radio. Its a cheap thrill. Maybe that is what life is.. cheap thrills. We have these profound experiences and discoveries, but we have many over a lifetime. They seem great at the time but they are over as fast as they start. Humbling.
I think the key to happiness is being humble with success. The ratios look right. For the amount of the population that is completely happy, it averages with the amount that are totally humble. Well.. maybe not happy.. but totally likeable? I don't know. Either way, the world should be like Niki. Niki should be a revered god or holy leader, I know we joke- but I'm totally serious. Isn't that funny how the person who is so humble that she demands no attention is the one who should be getting it all? I want to tap her success. She is an amazing person, I'm almost satisfied in existance that I have been exposed to her at all in my lifetime. She is the only person I'm never frustrated with and can always just talk to, fully. At least in my closest circle.
The only people I open up to are those who I know have the greatest potential for being constants in my life. I have learned from early experience, from losing my best friend each year elementary and middle school. Usually they moved. But nevertheless. It scarred me from getting to close. I'm very protective of my small group of friends- they have been with me longer and I've grown closer to them than anyone else for one period of conscious time. When new people join our group. I'm often sheltered and quiet. I don't want them to know me. I don't want to forge relationships. I don't want them to go away with ammo against me or to have any ability to directly or indirectly hurt me just by leaving. That is how I layer my friendships. Its very much like Sarah's theory and I think I've talked about this before. I have those that are closest, then those who I think- really good aquaintances that I'm totally content talking to for long periods of time (they are almost friends except for I don't talk to them on a totally regular basis and we don't know those intimate details about eachothers lives), then everyone else. Good aquaintance or bad. I don't mean to offend anyone who joins the group when I shun them in my own way. But its my way of testing the water. If I don't scare them away or they don't just leave after about 2 weeks. I will warm up. I think that makes me really dislikable, but that is me. Nevertheless, Niki has a permanent spot for 3 years in that most inner circle. Others have reserved spots for notable amounts of time but some have shifted in and out permanently or temporarily. I liked to claim I was special in this way and pretend I was the only one with layers. Sarah had them.. but we have lots of similarites and I accepted that totally, she is also one of my most trusted persons. But I think everyone has their own line of defenses, at least introverts. I don't know. All I know is that I completely trust very few people which can be a shame sometimes. To know if I totally trust you, all you have to do is recall our relationship and think if I have done something totally stupid or immature and not been horribly embarresed by it. If I didn't spew excuses and try to account for it or make up in some way.. I probably trust you. That is why my trust level exists. So the truth to my weirdness won't really leak out to society. haha.
Life is weird. Thousands of thinkers have determined this. I don't need to say it but I will. Existing is possessing both physical and mental electricity which fires your synapses to live and create relationships. Isn't that amazing. Life is a force we cannot see. Sure, people like to think of the force as being profound- oooh... the hand of god or something. But physically, we do owe our existance to invisible force. Haha. Think about that for awhile. When I do, it makes getting electrocuted like touching the hand of god. I don't know, my deep thinking is coming to a close.
I've been IMed and I still need to clean my room.
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no subject
Date: 2003-06-01 09:00 pm (UTC)i didn't even know you were involved in that whole analyn-thomas deal...but you know what? the actions of those two are their own choices, whether you influenced them or not. i'm guessing you were talking about thomas in the rest of that paragraph, but i'm not quite sure. i know next to nothing about that. i was friends with andre during his little analyn ordeal though, and i don't think he thought she was a psycho; he's much too nice a guy for that. he just thought she was a little obsessive and that maybe she shouldn't try so hard.
life is cheap thrills. you're right. but really, there's nothing wrong with cheap thrills. like i know the only things i'm gonna remember about high school were the times i went to six flags dallas and we went on every roller coaster and just about died laughing through every ride. or the times we just randomly broke into dance during the SDOAPs. or eating lunch outside on the stage dealie. cheap thrills. that's what we look forward to, anyhow.
i don't think anything makes you dislikable. i'm not sure. i think of you as a friend, and i hope i fall under that "good acquaintance" category. to me, a friend is someone who you wouldn't mind sharing problems with and talking to and stuff, and i think you fit that pretty well. although it's kinda dangerous to be my friend because i protect them at all costs. it doesn't matter whether or not they did something wrong; i'm always on their side. even if they're wrong. i'm not sure why, it's a kind of "protect to the death" mentality i have. it's probably unhealthy somehow.
you know, sometimes i worry that i talk too much about myself around you. i hope i don't. i like hearing about other people, and i'd feel awful if you thought i always turned the conversation to me. sometimes, i just do it to show that i can relate. sorry, random comment.
and you are different. in a good way.
joyce
no subject
Date: 2003-06-02 09:23 am (UTC)I always can't decide who is to blame for the orchestra arguements. Somedays I can pin it on myself and others I pin it on everyone else. It depends on my state of mind. I think I was feeling martyr-ish the other day.
I hope I'm not dislikable. Too dislikable. I don't know, I think I come off as rude and snobby when new people come around. At least that is what my friend Rachel told me when she first started hanging out with us. Something about being totally shunning and acting like I wouldn't give her the time of day. But she said that after awhile I warmed up and stuff was fine. I don't know, her comment has always made me so paranoid. I can never warm up to someone who hangs around my group of friends in the first week. Its like a light goes on "intruder alert" but when they stick around and people seem to like them.. only then can I test the water. I wish I could just jump in and be exuberant the second someone stops by. I think of you as a friend. You've been tremendously wonderful whenever I've had issues. I mean, I scare people when I have issues, sometimes even myself, and people are to afraid to talk to me or say something to make it worse. In those cases, you were always the one to comment. That means a lot. I think between having two difficult classes together there has been much griping here and there. You have never talked too much about yourself! Your skills of relating are really important^_^, especially to me when I get in these moods of "no-one-in-the-history-of-the-earth-has-ever-been-as-_______-as-me."
Meredith is very perfect as far as socially. Sometimes because she is that, I have trouble reminding myself that she may have problems in other spheres. Someone once said "all hate roots in envy." Thinking about it, I don't hate Meredith- I can't she is too nice. To hate her would be like hating a butterfly, or a flower, or a bunny rabbit. But it can be frustrating to just watch her "do her think" and be so caring to everyone. She is so selfless, I wish I had just a sprinkle of that. Anyway. She is a good person, no one can help that.
Thank you for your insight. It always helps me fully develop my thoughts which I tend to leave on mean cliff-hangers. I wonder if you are my conscience sometimes. Haha, thanks Joyce.