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transomwhiplassTomorrow is Madonna day. It isn't sinking in that Junior year is over. The torture, it cannot stop, it never will. The sheer stress inflicted by this year may never be resolved, maybe aided in a few decades by extensive therapy and aggressive drugging. It's been hard and it is really hard to believe, only finals are left. Then oh my god..
I will be a senior.
Its so strange how the school year drags on and on, totally relentless. But as soon as it is over, it feels like only last week it started. Last week I was starting Junior year, 3 weeks ago- sophomore, maybe a month ago - freshman year. It happens like a blink of an eye and it feels so close but the fact that I've forgotten the billions of events since then reminds me that, in fact, it has been 3 years now.
I'm excited about college.
I've been flipping through this book about "regrets from college" and I think I'm starting to understand. I know that my mind is still now and will be buzzing with stress of applications, reccomendations, etc very soon but right now I'm taking comfort in a few things. Our school sends 99% of each class to college. As Steph is the one joining the Navy, apparently, I will be going to college. I have a good GPA, which could be better with minimal effort, but it is one that half my class, at least, covets. I've been *seemingly* devoted to orchestra, which will help me. I've worked up on the paper. I'm co-president of my other two clubs I'm a part of. I'm in the NHS and do more than necessary hours. Even though I don't know my teachers too well or maintain personal relationships with them, they smile at me in the halls and say "hi" "bye" etc. Next year, my courses will be intense, challenging, but an appropriate step up. Each year I have stepped up to challenges and tougher stuff, and survived. My GPA faultered a few hundreths this year (first time it didn't rise), but it is junior year.
I was offered the opprotunity to take AP Government/Economics by my history teacher. She informed me early 3rd quarter that my grades were fine but I needed to speak up more. 3rd quarter, I got an 88 (my first history B at SAA) and a D in participation. After my parents spoke to her, and a few things suggested in class, she gave me full credit this quarter (I think 1 or 2 were pity points) and a 94. I still thought the opprotunity was shot. But she came to me today and asked if I wanted to do it. If I do, I'm not taking Bio 2. I didn't really want to. I felt obligated to do a 4th year of science, but bio wasn't very interesting. I also heard the teacher is mean. I juggled considerations of a 4th year of language- Latin or Spanish 1. I think I will take another art class. That might be good. I don't want to take an open lab, but with 3 APs next year, I need something to just sort of settle myself in.
I've been in a state of peace. I know it will not last. But this has been a week of great transition. Its the time where school commitments have ended, except for finals, and summer commitments are coming. In between commitments, I feel very centered. I've realized this. What is that quote, "know thyself"? It's been impossible for me to get in sync with logic and emotion this year. I've had a completely turbulent temperment and personality, I know I've driven some people crazy. I've been crazy myself. Right now, I feel really in tune to who sarah is and what I am capable of. Its sad, I know its not going to last. But I'm going to soak it up, every last second, like a sponge.
Next year, someone remind me when I'm freaking out and hyperventilating in a corner, shrieking "OH MY GOD.. I'M NEVER GOING TO COLLEGE.. I'M GOING TO BE POOR.. AND ALONE.. NO ONE WILL LOVE ME.. I WILL HAVE CATS.. LOTS OF CATS..... HEHEHEHEHE... YES MY PRETTIES!!!!!" or something along those lines. Remind me to look up May 23.
Today was a good day, but so very long. Mary and I did an add-on drawing in history. It was really funny, I remembered the good days. We used to do those during lunch, we used to laugh, I would preach and pace around the benches, we had so many jokes. It came back. We stopped many traditions, we still laugh.. but its not the same. I feel bad about being mean to Allan, everytime I am mean- I feel bad.. but I keep doing it. He is a nice guy and makes mary happy.. I wish I could accept that. I totally cave to peer pressure and just start mocking him. He lacks social skills, but I know he is book smart. I feel bad, he doesn't want to come by anymore.. I totally don't blame him. I wonder if this was our goal all along... its sad how our group always requires a scapegoat. We are all so stressed, we just pick on eachother.. or someone. Allan has been that convienient someone. We used to tease everyone freshman-sophomore year, though a lot was flung a jennifer. Everyone is so tense and sensitive, we can't tease eachother without making someone offended.. so we picked on the only one not stressed beyond his wits- poor little allan. Oh well. I feel really awful. I'm not going to do it anymore. I don't need to. Don't do things that make you feel like shit, kids.
In the last few weeks, I've realized how much I like talking to Niki. I've been talking to anyone/everyone stable in the last week, that I know of. She is so fun. I always have fun with Niki. She is one of those people who has never gotten pissed off at me for saying something dumb or just acting dumb. She is so tolerant. She is the one person who I know I can act stupid in front of without having them doubt my intelligence. I've talked to her more one-on-one that I have in 3 years. We do so much stuff as a group, it sometimes causes you to miss out on the individuals. I've spent so much time with Mary and Steph, I know them. But I've missed out with Niki because she is so involved in school stuff. In the process of a lifetime, you surround yourself with countless people. They all affect you and give you a feeling - an impression, when you are in their presence. There are those people that make you feel like shit, those that make you feel impotent, unintelligent, inferior, tired, bored, embarressed.. but then there are Niki's who just, reverse everything bad. She is so intelligent but so humble, she talks to you like you are an equal and you are never embarressed, bored, inferior, etc. Niki is drug, she is my disco biscuit. I think when we part ways, I'm going to be in severe withdrawl. Her presence has kept me sane for 3 years.
I have someone I consider a personal hero. Someone that I feel if we could all be more like, the world we be a much better place but even just having a replica of them would be amazing. However, in my opinion.. to have a hero is to have something to strive for. To be realistic, a goal must be attainable. To reach perfection is unattainable for the vast majority. Its nearly impossible to live up to all the vast historical figures. There are three people in my life, that I consider my personal hero's and shining examples. I don't think I will ever tell them, they will think I'm a psycho, but they've really helped me out countless times. I don't know what I would be without their example and just wonderful friendships. I admire them so much, and sometimes its hard to not think them "perfect" but they are so extremely human, and that is what I truly cherish. I'm really lucky to have met even just one person like that. But I have 3. They are totally human except for their selflessness, which I think is truly a quality everyone needs to embrace.
Its getting super late. I'm getting all mushy & stuff. My skirt isn't ironed. I'm going to look like a hobo. I need to grab a shower and rocket off to bed. Haha.. I have no homework and I'm up at 1:40. I'm so weird.
I will be a senior.
Its so strange how the school year drags on and on, totally relentless. But as soon as it is over, it feels like only last week it started. Last week I was starting Junior year, 3 weeks ago- sophomore, maybe a month ago - freshman year. It happens like a blink of an eye and it feels so close but the fact that I've forgotten the billions of events since then reminds me that, in fact, it has been 3 years now.
I'm excited about college.
I've been flipping through this book about "regrets from college" and I think I'm starting to understand. I know that my mind is still now and will be buzzing with stress of applications, reccomendations, etc very soon but right now I'm taking comfort in a few things. Our school sends 99% of each class to college. As Steph is the one joining the Navy, apparently, I will be going to college. I have a good GPA, which could be better with minimal effort, but it is one that half my class, at least, covets. I've been *seemingly* devoted to orchestra, which will help me. I've worked up on the paper. I'm co-president of my other two clubs I'm a part of. I'm in the NHS and do more than necessary hours. Even though I don't know my teachers too well or maintain personal relationships with them, they smile at me in the halls and say "hi" "bye" etc. Next year, my courses will be intense, challenging, but an appropriate step up. Each year I have stepped up to challenges and tougher stuff, and survived. My GPA faultered a few hundreths this year (first time it didn't rise), but it is junior year.
I was offered the opprotunity to take AP Government/Economics by my history teacher. She informed me early 3rd quarter that my grades were fine but I needed to speak up more. 3rd quarter, I got an 88 (my first history B at SAA) and a D in participation. After my parents spoke to her, and a few things suggested in class, she gave me full credit this quarter (I think 1 or 2 were pity points) and a 94. I still thought the opprotunity was shot. But she came to me today and asked if I wanted to do it. If I do, I'm not taking Bio 2. I didn't really want to. I felt obligated to do a 4th year of science, but bio wasn't very interesting. I also heard the teacher is mean. I juggled considerations of a 4th year of language- Latin or Spanish 1. I think I will take another art class. That might be good. I don't want to take an open lab, but with 3 APs next year, I need something to just sort of settle myself in.
I've been in a state of peace. I know it will not last. But this has been a week of great transition. Its the time where school commitments have ended, except for finals, and summer commitments are coming. In between commitments, I feel very centered. I've realized this. What is that quote, "know thyself"? It's been impossible for me to get in sync with logic and emotion this year. I've had a completely turbulent temperment and personality, I know I've driven some people crazy. I've been crazy myself. Right now, I feel really in tune to who sarah is and what I am capable of. Its sad, I know its not going to last. But I'm going to soak it up, every last second, like a sponge.
Next year, someone remind me when I'm freaking out and hyperventilating in a corner, shrieking "OH MY GOD.. I'M NEVER GOING TO COLLEGE.. I'M GOING TO BE POOR.. AND ALONE.. NO ONE WILL LOVE ME.. I WILL HAVE CATS.. LOTS OF CATS..... HEHEHEHEHE... YES MY PRETTIES!!!!!" or something along those lines. Remind me to look up May 23.
Today was a good day, but so very long. Mary and I did an add-on drawing in history. It was really funny, I remembered the good days. We used to do those during lunch, we used to laugh, I would preach and pace around the benches, we had so many jokes. It came back. We stopped many traditions, we still laugh.. but its not the same. I feel bad about being mean to Allan, everytime I am mean- I feel bad.. but I keep doing it. He is a nice guy and makes mary happy.. I wish I could accept that. I totally cave to peer pressure and just start mocking him. He lacks social skills, but I know he is book smart. I feel bad, he doesn't want to come by anymore.. I totally don't blame him. I wonder if this was our goal all along... its sad how our group always requires a scapegoat. We are all so stressed, we just pick on eachother.. or someone. Allan has been that convienient someone. We used to tease everyone freshman-sophomore year, though a lot was flung a jennifer. Everyone is so tense and sensitive, we can't tease eachother without making someone offended.. so we picked on the only one not stressed beyond his wits- poor little allan. Oh well. I feel really awful. I'm not going to do it anymore. I don't need to. Don't do things that make you feel like shit, kids.
In the last few weeks, I've realized how much I like talking to Niki. I've been talking to anyone/everyone stable in the last week, that I know of. She is so fun. I always have fun with Niki. She is one of those people who has never gotten pissed off at me for saying something dumb or just acting dumb. She is so tolerant. She is the one person who I know I can act stupid in front of without having them doubt my intelligence. I've talked to her more one-on-one that I have in 3 years. We do so much stuff as a group, it sometimes causes you to miss out on the individuals. I've spent so much time with Mary and Steph, I know them. But I've missed out with Niki because she is so involved in school stuff. In the process of a lifetime, you surround yourself with countless people. They all affect you and give you a feeling - an impression, when you are in their presence. There are those people that make you feel like shit, those that make you feel impotent, unintelligent, inferior, tired, bored, embarressed.. but then there are Niki's who just, reverse everything bad. She is so intelligent but so humble, she talks to you like you are an equal and you are never embarressed, bored, inferior, etc. Niki is drug, she is my disco biscuit. I think when we part ways, I'm going to be in severe withdrawl. Her presence has kept me sane for 3 years.
I have someone I consider a personal hero. Someone that I feel if we could all be more like, the world we be a much better place but even just having a replica of them would be amazing. However, in my opinion.. to have a hero is to have something to strive for. To be realistic, a goal must be attainable. To reach perfection is unattainable for the vast majority. Its nearly impossible to live up to all the vast historical figures. There are three people in my life, that I consider my personal hero's and shining examples. I don't think I will ever tell them, they will think I'm a psycho, but they've really helped me out countless times. I don't know what I would be without their example and just wonderful friendships. I admire them so much, and sometimes its hard to not think them "perfect" but they are so extremely human, and that is what I truly cherish. I'm really lucky to have met even just one person like that. But I have 3. They are totally human except for their selflessness, which I think is truly a quality everyone needs to embrace.
Its getting super late. I'm getting all mushy & stuff. My skirt isn't ironed. I'm going to look like a hobo. I need to grab a shower and rocket off to bed. Haha.. I have no homework and I'm up at 1:40. I'm so weird.
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no subject
Date: 2003-05-23 01:48 pm (UTC)Don't worry too much about feeling emotionally crazy this year. Junior year really takes it out of everyone like that. And trust me, you'll get in to college :) Just make sure you apply to a variety of schools that you like and would be happy going to. And the art class is probably a good idea. Trust me, next year will be filled with deadlines left and right. The last thing you need is an overloaded schedule. And ahehe, enjoy Economics, my arch-rival ;) Who could ever have known they could corrupt social studies with graphs?
no subject
Date: 2003-05-24 07:35 pm (UTC)As of this weekend. I have no worries. I know it probably won't last. I feel like I have a fighting chance right now.
Next year, I'm taking half AP's and half art credits. Plus Philosophy. I will either be APing or *Art*ing. I hope I don't go insane. Haha. I hope I survive... calculus, government/economics, & english, I am crazy. x_x;;;