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transomwhiplassI've been lacking a lot in the updates lately. I feel bad.. sorta.. not really. I don't know. I guess I'll feel shitty if I do pull this out in a few years and there is like a giant gaping whole in my life.
It's sort of a good thing. I haven't been spending as much time on the computer. There isn't much to do right now. The ol' webpage remains purpose-less and I barely add to it like I promise to a non-existant audience.
I've been so tired. It's like it was on spring break. I feel like- dead. My dad accused me of having mono then. I feel like I have something but it is, in all honestly, probably the combo of school pressures and dwindling sleep hours. I take naps in the after noon. Sometimes 2, sometimes 4 hours. Today I took a one hour and a two hour one before and after dinner. I'm still very tired. Like, I really want to get outside and jump around on the trampoline or something but I swear to god I will just fall asleep midair. I'm mentally tired, I'm physically tired, I'm emotionally tired.. very very tired.
It's interesting as we've been studying the 50s and something that was emphasized in my mind while watching the Dateline exclusive of ER's 200th episode. It was so humdrum back then. Sure, it was a faster lifestyle than decades before but people were settling from war- from that chaos. They moved to suburbs and had families and watched those happy-go-lucky shows and every thing was la-dee-da. Kids enjoyed childhood as all children should do with hula-hoops and the Mickey Mouse Show. American Bandstand was on TV developing, at the time, what was a rebellious music culture and Elvis was believed to be openly sexual. Things were very slow compared to now. Today, everything zips by. Kids are more often brought up to worry about their futures at early ages. They play video games and have CD players and are exposed to the more mature entertainment culture earlier and earlier. Kids go to the high rated movies and are made more accepting of the violence that they see. More sex is shown in movies, on TV, and expressed in music. Things are openly profane. Communication is everywhere- TV, Internet, Cell Phones, Etc. We can communicate and know more things than ever before about issues in our world. Its so fast paced that I think if you brought back a young adult from the 50s, they would have a heart attack just trying to live so fast. Shows went from being simple and a script of a few pages to being speedy and crazy and 300 pages+ because so many things are said in a half an hour or one. I just want it to all slow down. I'm tired of pushing so hard to get to what is supposedly the prize. My life aim, or whatever they want to call it. I just want time to discover myself which is impossible among the SAT's, the SAT II's, the ACT, the APs, the classes, the tests, the stress, the teachers, the connections, the fight for reccomendations, the fight to get ahead and be a 'leader', the service project, the college search, the major search, the career search, the family search, the house search, the retirement search. When will I have the time to see who I really am? People want me to take on more stuff these days and I don't care... my modern upbringing has me tell them "fuck you" or something along those lines. I don't want more to do. I want less to do.
It pains me daily as I watch people grow up. I know they are happy, but I will never honestly grow up. I can tell you that. For me to grow up would be a death to who I am - my humanity as Sarah. I know people say they won't grow up, but I see them doing it. People always do. I feel like Yossarian when all the sudden, my friends are getting killed off in different ways. Its the death of their inner child. I wish they weren't in such a hurry to finish the race. I wish they would sit back and try to discover themselves before they attach themselves to a guy/girl, a hobby their other self would never do, a career, a life they swore they would never have. Its become to painful to watch. Niki is the one person who is stable. She, in my mind, has always been an adult. It is my belief that life forced her to grow up early before I met her. She is stable.. she is a rock, I hope I know her when I'm 35 and she is still that force I can just attach to during the bad parts of the storm. Everyone else is so turbulent these days. I don't know who to talk to. Even though Niki is stable- I see her as an adult and there is a connection that is a little bit frazzled there.
Where are the children of yester-years? They are cold and dying in the back of plane of life. Some of us are injured, crying for help and others can't hear us- blind by their own vanity. Some people are at the controls and spare time to help others but accidents happen and the rock goes away. Catch-22 is the best book. Ms. Tallman is the best teacher. I have to go read for the quiz.
Slow down, people.
It's sort of a good thing. I haven't been spending as much time on the computer. There isn't much to do right now. The ol' webpage remains purpose-less and I barely add to it like I promise to a non-existant audience.
I've been so tired. It's like it was on spring break. I feel like- dead. My dad accused me of having mono then. I feel like I have something but it is, in all honestly, probably the combo of school pressures and dwindling sleep hours. I take naps in the after noon. Sometimes 2, sometimes 4 hours. Today I took a one hour and a two hour one before and after dinner. I'm still very tired. Like, I really want to get outside and jump around on the trampoline or something but I swear to god I will just fall asleep midair. I'm mentally tired, I'm physically tired, I'm emotionally tired.. very very tired.
It's interesting as we've been studying the 50s and something that was emphasized in my mind while watching the Dateline exclusive of ER's 200th episode. It was so humdrum back then. Sure, it was a faster lifestyle than decades before but people were settling from war- from that chaos. They moved to suburbs and had families and watched those happy-go-lucky shows and every thing was la-dee-da. Kids enjoyed childhood as all children should do with hula-hoops and the Mickey Mouse Show. American Bandstand was on TV developing, at the time, what was a rebellious music culture and Elvis was believed to be openly sexual. Things were very slow compared to now. Today, everything zips by. Kids are more often brought up to worry about their futures at early ages. They play video games and have CD players and are exposed to the more mature entertainment culture earlier and earlier. Kids go to the high rated movies and are made more accepting of the violence that they see. More sex is shown in movies, on TV, and expressed in music. Things are openly profane. Communication is everywhere- TV, Internet, Cell Phones, Etc. We can communicate and know more things than ever before about issues in our world. Its so fast paced that I think if you brought back a young adult from the 50s, they would have a heart attack just trying to live so fast. Shows went from being simple and a script of a few pages to being speedy and crazy and 300 pages+ because so many things are said in a half an hour or one. I just want it to all slow down. I'm tired of pushing so hard to get to what is supposedly the prize. My life aim, or whatever they want to call it. I just want time to discover myself which is impossible among the SAT's, the SAT II's, the ACT, the APs, the classes, the tests, the stress, the teachers, the connections, the fight for reccomendations, the fight to get ahead and be a 'leader', the service project, the college search, the major search, the career search, the family search, the house search, the retirement search. When will I have the time to see who I really am? People want me to take on more stuff these days and I don't care... my modern upbringing has me tell them "fuck you" or something along those lines. I don't want more to do. I want less to do.
It pains me daily as I watch people grow up. I know they are happy, but I will never honestly grow up. I can tell you that. For me to grow up would be a death to who I am - my humanity as Sarah. I know people say they won't grow up, but I see them doing it. People always do. I feel like Yossarian when all the sudden, my friends are getting killed off in different ways. Its the death of their inner child. I wish they weren't in such a hurry to finish the race. I wish they would sit back and try to discover themselves before they attach themselves to a guy/girl, a hobby their other self would never do, a career, a life they swore they would never have. Its become to painful to watch. Niki is the one person who is stable. She, in my mind, has always been an adult. It is my belief that life forced her to grow up early before I met her. She is stable.. she is a rock, I hope I know her when I'm 35 and she is still that force I can just attach to during the bad parts of the storm. Everyone else is so turbulent these days. I don't know who to talk to. Even though Niki is stable- I see her as an adult and there is a connection that is a little bit frazzled there.
Where are the children of yester-years? They are cold and dying in the back of plane of life. Some of us are injured, crying for help and others can't hear us- blind by their own vanity. Some people are at the controls and spare time to help others but accidents happen and the rock goes away. Catch-22 is the best book. Ms. Tallman is the best teacher. I have to go read for the quiz.
Slow down, people.
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no subject
Date: 2003-05-09 10:50 am (UTC)ahh, it just seems like everyone's changing, like you said, which isn't really a bad thing. i mean, you're changing as well, and it's nice to have someone who understands the same things you're going through to bitch and rant to, you know? bitching and ranting is the stuff of life. it's what gets us through adolescence.
good luck to you!! =) i'm here for you.
joyce
p.s. it's tragic that we can't take our finals early, huh? makes me want to go kill all those parents who complain about EVERYTHING. mine are actually going to complain about the parents who complain about everything...hahaha, i love my parents.
oh gosh! how could I forget..
Date: 2003-05-09 03:56 pm (UTC)I KNOW ABOUT THE FINALS! Gosh.. it was like, an option I thought - not a requirement to take them early. My mom is peeved about the whole thing. I just want to get it over with. I'd really like to have 2 less finals to do that week. Ugh.. did you know Latin & Pre-Cal are on the same day and are our last ones?? Gahh.. it must be such torture to be so close to getting out. St. Agnes wants to keep its tentacles on you as long as possible!