transomwhiplass

well.. the party is over: the people have gone, they have taken their things and gone back to their normal lives.. my room is kinda messy.. but nothing a little putting away or a vacuum-job cant fix in a little over 10 minutes.. I went to bed rather early for a party.. and myself.. generally weekends I am up past 4.. last night.. somewhere between 1-2.. I wish someone would have woken me up.. I feel now I missed my own party... and for that I am kinda sad.. but.. they say at a good party, the host never has fun (or at least the most).. that comes out to be somewhat true... I hope everyone enjoyed dinner to some extent.. I liked my balloon hat.. I think the guy didn't stay because we didn't tip him.. I meant to.. but he disapeared.. through dinner I was worried and didn't have too much time to really relax.. I know it may have seemed I was really happy.. but I am an expert in that sort of acting.. for what I was worried.. I'm not going to disclose... if I did, it would be reguarded as silly and pointless to others.. hm.. so dinner was over and we came home.. blah.. I had crappy movies.. I didn't know what to rent.. I have honestly seen a good 40% or so of Blockbuster.. what I haven't consists of the dregs of Hollywood such as Hellraiser Pt. 7 and Sexual Chemistry 101.. other than that.. anything my dad thinks would be unappropriate.. so recently when I go to Blockbuster.. I am rather blase on what to rent.. I try to think of what other people would want to see.. but what one person loves.. another person hates.. I tried to think of what would keep the peace.. not that anyone really fights in our group.. but I don't know if anyone sees how hard I try to keep it that way while honestly I am the one that feels like screaming.. in the end I feel like a horrible person for wanting to do that to my friends, only one in particular.. but the thing is that she and I are so different.. so incredibly different beyond the point of "opposites attrat" .. i can only think of one way to describe it.. it will make me sound like a nerd.. but what the fuck.. with most people i have covalent bond.. we both give and take.. and we can live pretty happily unless something busts us up.. but with this person.. its ionic.. one leeches the other's electrons.. doesn't really give her anything.. just takes.. the other one could live pretty happily by herself.. and is kinda ok with the other.. but they can be easier to break up.. ok.. -end Chemistry metaphor-.. so anyway.. I don't know.. I think its obvious I don't always get along with her.. sometimes I just want to, get away.. as far and fast as possible.. but she manages to trail me down and follow.. I always end up next to her.. I was thankful I didn't have to at the restaurant.. or I would have maybe had to jab her with my fork or knock over my drink (unconciously of course) and with my worrying.. she served as an annoying distraction.. for those who read this... don't point the finger or think its you.. it wouldn't be good for anybody... but back to home again.. we kinda messed around.. watched bits of movies and ate stuff.. we played pictionary... but it was rough with John.. it was hard with our.. *cough* "candidness" to not freak him out... and he wasnt fully prepped for pictionary.. I grew sorta bored fast.. I hate a n64 controller digging into my back the whole time.. I dont know why I didnt move it.. it hurt like a bitch but I was either too lazy to or I appreciated the way it kept me in reality.. hm.. odd.. I wanted everyone to have fun.. even if I wasn't always at times... eventually I voted for a halt on the pictionary and thats when Niki had to go.. I wish she could have stayed.. but she is so very diligent in her tasks, I know better that to have tried and stopped her... then they wanted to watch Matrix.. Mary was dying to play that drinking game and it occured to me how much I suck at dealing with peer pressure... half the shit I've never done probably results to the fact that its never been offered to me... but as I think about it.. I'm probably not as bad as I think I am... I don't like disappointing my parents.. I like that they trust me, a lot.. and I didn't crack open the liquor cabinet and grab the vodka and the gin.. so maybe I am underestimating myself.. and its never supposed to be easy, right? I have no idea.. funny.. my first real peer pressure.. sorry if I wrecked some people's time.. but drinking sucks anyway... the shit tastes awful.. and what's cool about acting stupid and laughing at anything and everything by doing something you can get in trouble for... i do that without alcohol.. drinking just.. its stupid.. the whole thing about it.. actually to recall.. the more people brag about getting drunk over the weekends etc.. makes me respect them less in general (I dont try to judge them in anyway.. but the moment of conversation is spoiled on my side).. anyone who has to brag about something like that.. well.. they don't have a lot to be proud of I guess.. I think I would rather brag about the best/nicest thing I've done .. rather the stupidest thing I did when I was shit-faced.. but teen drinkers.. become adult alcoholics in a lot of cases.. they get in car accidents and kill families with babies and children .. the wreck lives.. theirs, their families, and others.. they beat their wives and kids.. verbally abuse love ones.. whats cool about being alone.. I would die if I was.. first my mind.. then my body.. if everyone I knew left me.. I would become catatonic.. and spend the rest of my life looking out a window at shady acres where I would live out my life absolutely miserable... but back from my tangent.. I'm glad I didn't cave in.. and thinking about it.. I dont think I would have gotten any more fun out of it.. and those who would have definetly not done it would have thought of me less.. I'm glad I didn't ... I don't know if some of my friends do drink like they say they do.. play drinking games etc.. but I am very skeptical of it .. sorry if you do... I don't hate you.. but I hate what it does to you.. no one understands how much I care.. I don't know if they would believe it.. I would starve myself before I let anyone I know go hungry... its true.. maybe in that fact I am a leech... I need other people to be happy to be happy myself.. its not really me feeding off of someone... but really gaining as a result of their gain.. sorry trying to avoid making a biology metaphor... lol.. I just.. have to care.. its my nature.. I guess being the oldest.. I have to look out for everyone.. I just can't not do it.. its ironic how much I love certain people to how much I hate all people in general.. people and persons.. I just don't classify them in the same species.. but anyway.. off of my tangent of a tangent of a tangent.. hehe.. so they watched matrix, normally.. and I fell asleep.. I had seen it so many times.. and for the record... i don't hate keanu reeves as much as some of them do.. you dont understand inner emotion I guess.. but I can see it.. the eyes, I think are the most honest part of the human body.. they are regarded as the door/window (i've heard both) to the soul.. if their is such a thing... its hard to lie with your eyes.. unless you concentrate and know all the tricks .. they have scientific basis for eye motion during lying.. but I bet you could throw them off if you knew what to avoid doing... but I think for untrained people, the majority of the population (prepare for another tangent.. but this one i think is a good one) .. they can't lie with their eyes.. when you do lie.. you avoid eye contact.. I heard you look up.. maybe it was down.. some direction to.. not sure anyhow.. but in general.. just the way you look at someone.. you can tell them your raw emotion and how you feel about them... despite smile or frown.. the wrinkling of your face in forhead, cheeks, or chin.. when someone smiles.. I can tell if its fake.. almost always.. but if someone isnt.. I can tell if they are happy and arent... or just not smiling because the arent happy.. i absolutely love eyes... i think they are my favorite things in the world... granted.. I don't know if I would want to be an optrician.. but maybe a psychologist and devote my research to studying them.. eyes.. they are just their.. some dont work as well as others.. they are all different colors.. they reflect our individuality and our similarities.. people judge others on looks oftentimes.. but I dont usually.. I judge from what I can see in the eye thats judging me.. maybe I'm crazy.. but peoples actions dont bug me.. I let people take physical and mental jabs at me all the time.. as often as I try to with out taking any revenge or showing emotion about it.. if I do.. I know it can provoke more.. the only time I thrash back is when I see it in their eye while they do it.. a friend teases you.. prods you jokingly.. the difference is whether they why they did it.. why did they like it.. you can always tell!..if their eyes twinkle or look at you one way.. they were just having fun.. and you should have to.. but if you look and they are clear.. a smile on the mouth.. but clear focused eyes.. they liked what they got out of paining you in some way.. I know I am not perfect in my analyzing... but thats what I do when I talk to you... I look at you straight in the face.. sometimes I don't hear the words you said, I ask you to repeat them.. its really because I am trying to see what you are really penning up inside.. >_>.. dont freak out or anything.. I do it to everyone since I've known them.. and if you are still around.. it is a good sign ^_~... I repeat, good sign.. lol.. but reflecting.. I don't blame anyone who is frightened of this (I don't know if anyone would be).. but thats one of the reasons I hate chicago.. no one will look you in the eye.. they hate being judged.. so.. hm.. interesting tangent i think.. i better wrap up this post.. so I slept during the matrix and apparently they partied till 4 or 6.. did I mention I am upset no one woke me up.. don't think I wont remember that.. but we woke up.. the "person" did a few more things to irritate me... blah.. she didn't know what she was doing.. and for the record (not relating to her right now)... I hate when people ignore me too.. especially friends.. it makes me feel insignifigant to you.. and that hurts.. well.. so you all left.. hehe.. I hope you had fun.. I had some.. but my lack is no ones fault but my own.. if any bothered to read this and do feel upset or bad as a result.. let me steal a line from the movie we watched "I guarentee.. as soon as you finish this cookie and are out that door.. you will have all ready forgotten all this.. and you will remember you don't believe this stuff anway" .. that was somewhat how it goes i think.. but no.. dont let my reflection bother you..its for me to feel and you to see.. not the other way around.. so smile.. eat the cookie.. forget.. then smile..

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funny how math and psychology are so entwined and related.. and tangent in speaking is much the same to a tangent off a circle.. all tangents off the same circle meet in the same place eventually.. and that I believe.. is the all-sought.. meaning of life.. ^_~.. take that as you will.. but think of that.. never focus though.. that will always throw you off.. its really what you don't see that guides you.. hehe.. transcedental mr. filardo shit.. fun ain't it.. kinda like weird drugs? now you see what happens in my mind every second of the day... and you wonder how i can get the same reaction out of myself with out smoking,inhaling, or shooting.. think about that too..