hrm.. tears have stopped
Apr. 18th, 2003 02:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassInsomnia keeps me alive. But it is also slowly killing me.
---
Stuff is so twisted right now. I'm so moody. I don't think it is hormones. Poo, I can't blame nature. It just sucks because I feel like the world is conspiring against me.
I stopped sobbing when I read this certain girl's journal. Granted, I don't know her. But she is such a HORRIBLE individual, it shocked my entire essence. The bitterness of her soul - I was in total awe. Now, at first I was incredibly sad.. that there were actually people as terrible as she is. Then I was angry.. someone might be more bitter than me. Now I'm just puzzled. So whatever. She has further confirmed my assertion that there is no god as there is no way someone like that could be created from He who can only make good.
I'm not tired. I had self-pity naps all afternoon. I heard my parents talking about me and it made me angry. I hate them because they don't know what is wrong with me, even that there is something wrong. I want them to figure it out that I am upset.. but I don't want to tell them, oh.. woe to the drama queen, people. I watch so much TV, it has twisted me in sick ways. It doesn't work. I can slam doors, roll my eyes, swear, and not talk to them. They just assume that I "need some alone time" when all I want is them to come in and ask me what the hell my problem is. I should probably just come out with it that I'm miserable, but I get to be such a martyr-actress, no? Yeah.. but its screwed up. They were talking about college & my dad about Shell's scholarship deal thing. They clearly haven't been hearing what I do tell them. I tell my mom about school problems & people problems.. and other stuff, she says "I'm sorry.. things will be better tomorrow.. now let me tell you about my extremely boring friend and what I did today which is so dull it will make your ears bleed." That is what sucks about having a "friend" as a opposed to a "mother." ~_~;; Anyway.. back to their conversation, they don't seem to get it. They don't realize how much I'm messing up. There whole approach to this college thing is "Holy shit.. we better get cracking on this college thing" My dad got a "how to pick your major book" that I am strongly considering burning in the front yard and my mom keeps giving me lists of those colleges "that change lives" or "are frequently over looked" which can all go to hell as well.
All colleges are looking for certain people. My job, is to go to them and offer to buy their "exclusive" product, provided they think I'm the right kind of customer. Now, all sorts of things come into question. But overall, they person with A's, lots of extracurriculars, awards, sports.. etc. will always get picked first. America is known as a "great melting pot," and that is exactly what it is. It tries to boil all people down to the same thing, it sets a standard for people and tries to force them to conform to that idea or *scary* face the consequences. Basically, I've realized I don't think I'm cut to any colleges profile. I don't want to suck up to them, what do people have to do to get a little education. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not- I've been destroying my humanity for the last few years, please.. please.. I beg you, take my dignity.
I'm sorry I'm not good enough, my grades aren't way above par, I'm not a "natural" leader, I don't stand out. I'm sorry I'm not distinguished, an expert at anything, the best at anything. I'm sorry I dabble in everything, and can never seem to focus. Basically, I've been screwed some how. I loved being at SAA for 2 years. I thought it was great.. you know.. oo-ooh.. they "challenge" Everyday my hole gets deeper and deeper because I know that no matter what I do, I won't be as rich as them. I can't be a smart as them. My PSAT score wasn't as good as that one and oh alas, Sr. Jane calls on her personally to go to those leadership conferences. Ok, so here is your chance supreme deity whoever you are.. this is your one chance if you want my following, here is all I ask for and I will unconditionally believe in you provided I get the following: a push in a good direction (help.. any help, support- anyone to bear w/ me and help me cope with this crazy burden) & frikkin' bone. I'm sorry, I'm bitter about Madeline. I think she is a great person.. I totally admire her, she is great, bubbly, fun.. etc. Just the fact that she gets invited to stuff like that.. that people at my school reccomend her. It really upsets me. My school has never given me special treatment and that really irks me. We all pay the tuition, but people always get more than others. Maybe its because I didn't so much run with the experience but those little favorites make me so angry. For once, I want to be someone's favorite something. Please, let them be good natured and influential.
While I was feeling sorry for myself listening to my parents talk about me. I remembered something from Megan's journal and I finally realized something. I know why she is doing what she is doing, its basically what I ponder doing but know that I would never be able to follow through. When you do feel like the scum of the Earth, totally worthless.. you will give yourself totally to the first person who even acknowledges you, you will be their slave.. and do anything just becasue they assure your existance (yum.. existentialism). Hey, if they show emotion.. care, wow. Basically, in those desperate moments, if anyone had comforted me.. including a leper, a hobo, or a convict.. I would have clung to the first warm thing to come by. Isn't that scary?? Anyway, but from the safeness of my room.. I decided against it.. but I am happy I understand why she is doing this. Anyway.
My last posts have been depressing. Usually I spill what I'm feeling, then its out and over with by the time I'm done writing. I have to admit, I do gain some relief by writing down what a miserable sack of shit I feel like. But in all honesty, I feel like a hypocrite.. because I whine and cry....ohhhh.. lifee..... miserable.. TV ruin.. me sad sad girl now. Then I finish posting and go back to my room relieved. Anyway, but in my self pity.. I decided it would be a good idea to CRAWL INTO A CORNER and feel bad for myself there. Then I could look all pitiful and pathetic in the movie that plays in my head that is my life. I scared my brother by opening and closing the door while he was in the hall way. He couldn't see me so I scared him. I felt all bad for myself and then came in. Basically I acted insane until he turned on the TV, self pity off.. TV.. LIFE GIVING ESCAPISM BOX ON. So, yeah. I freaked him out later. I didn't really want him to leave so I sat in front of the door. Then he crushed my thumb and I let my prisoner go.
I don't know whats wrong with me. I'm such a monkey. I think I try to live each moment dramatically because so many years of TV have made me feel like my life is a TV show and/or movie. School is a combo drama and sitcom. Home is one of those made for TV movies. My life in general is a movie, I even sometimes think of the perfect background music for the moments in my life. The problem with this outlook is that my life is superficial and I live each moment for nothing.. I have an overwhelming urge to rewind or retake but that simply isn't possible.
I love Catch 22. I love Dunbar. I love Yossarian, if he existed I'd have his crazy little children. I'm gettin overly involved I do believe. Anway, its really funny. I think I'm going to do one of the existentialism prompts for my paper. HAHA! If you told me that last year.. or even first semester this year, I would have laughed in your face and called you crazy. I understand it better than I thought and it works with me. I have a lot of problems with assuring my existance....oooooh.... the angst. Life is crazy. Maybe I should be a screenplay writer or director. The Oscar is mine.
---
Stuff is so twisted right now. I'm so moody. I don't think it is hormones. Poo, I can't blame nature. It just sucks because I feel like the world is conspiring against me.
I stopped sobbing when I read this certain girl's journal. Granted, I don't know her. But she is such a HORRIBLE individual, it shocked my entire essence. The bitterness of her soul - I was in total awe. Now, at first I was incredibly sad.. that there were actually people as terrible as she is. Then I was angry.. someone might be more bitter than me. Now I'm just puzzled. So whatever. She has further confirmed my assertion that there is no god as there is no way someone like that could be created from He who can only make good.
I'm not tired. I had self-pity naps all afternoon. I heard my parents talking about me and it made me angry. I hate them because they don't know what is wrong with me, even that there is something wrong. I want them to figure it out that I am upset.. but I don't want to tell them, oh.. woe to the drama queen, people. I watch so much TV, it has twisted me in sick ways. It doesn't work. I can slam doors, roll my eyes, swear, and not talk to them. They just assume that I "need some alone time" when all I want is them to come in and ask me what the hell my problem is. I should probably just come out with it that I'm miserable, but I get to be such a martyr-actress, no? Yeah.. but its screwed up. They were talking about college & my dad about Shell's scholarship deal thing. They clearly haven't been hearing what I do tell them. I tell my mom about school problems & people problems.. and other stuff, she says "I'm sorry.. things will be better tomorrow.. now let me tell you about my extremely boring friend and what I did today which is so dull it will make your ears bleed." That is what sucks about having a "friend" as a opposed to a "mother." ~_~;; Anyway.. back to their conversation, they don't seem to get it. They don't realize how much I'm messing up. There whole approach to this college thing is "Holy shit.. we better get cracking on this college thing" My dad got a "how to pick your major book" that I am strongly considering burning in the front yard and my mom keeps giving me lists of those colleges "that change lives" or "are frequently over looked" which can all go to hell as well.
All colleges are looking for certain people. My job, is to go to them and offer to buy their "exclusive" product, provided they think I'm the right kind of customer. Now, all sorts of things come into question. But overall, they person with A's, lots of extracurriculars, awards, sports.. etc. will always get picked first. America is known as a "great melting pot," and that is exactly what it is. It tries to boil all people down to the same thing, it sets a standard for people and tries to force them to conform to that idea or *scary* face the consequences. Basically, I've realized I don't think I'm cut to any colleges profile. I don't want to suck up to them, what do people have to do to get a little education. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not- I've been destroying my humanity for the last few years, please.. please.. I beg you, take my dignity.
I'm sorry I'm not good enough, my grades aren't way above par, I'm not a "natural" leader, I don't stand out. I'm sorry I'm not distinguished, an expert at anything, the best at anything. I'm sorry I dabble in everything, and can never seem to focus. Basically, I've been screwed some how. I loved being at SAA for 2 years. I thought it was great.. you know.. oo-ooh.. they "challenge" Everyday my hole gets deeper and deeper because I know that no matter what I do, I won't be as rich as them. I can't be a smart as them. My PSAT score wasn't as good as that one and oh alas, Sr. Jane calls on her personally to go to those leadership conferences. Ok, so here is your chance supreme deity whoever you are.. this is your one chance if you want my following, here is all I ask for and I will unconditionally believe in you provided I get the following: a push in a good direction (help.. any help, support- anyone to bear w/ me and help me cope with this crazy burden) & frikkin' bone. I'm sorry, I'm bitter about Madeline. I think she is a great person.. I totally admire her, she is great, bubbly, fun.. etc. Just the fact that she gets invited to stuff like that.. that people at my school reccomend her. It really upsets me. My school has never given me special treatment and that really irks me. We all pay the tuition, but people always get more than others. Maybe its because I didn't so much run with the experience but those little favorites make me so angry. For once, I want to be someone's favorite something. Please, let them be good natured and influential.
While I was feeling sorry for myself listening to my parents talk about me. I remembered something from Megan's journal and I finally realized something. I know why she is doing what she is doing, its basically what I ponder doing but know that I would never be able to follow through. When you do feel like the scum of the Earth, totally worthless.. you will give yourself totally to the first person who even acknowledges you, you will be their slave.. and do anything just becasue they assure your existance (yum.. existentialism). Hey, if they show emotion.. care, wow. Basically, in those desperate moments, if anyone had comforted me.. including a leper, a hobo, or a convict.. I would have clung to the first warm thing to come by. Isn't that scary?? Anyway, but from the safeness of my room.. I decided against it.. but I am happy I understand why she is doing this. Anyway.
My last posts have been depressing. Usually I spill what I'm feeling, then its out and over with by the time I'm done writing. I have to admit, I do gain some relief by writing down what a miserable sack of shit I feel like. But in all honesty, I feel like a hypocrite.. because I whine and cry....ohhhh.. lifee..... miserable.. TV ruin.. me sad sad girl now. Then I finish posting and go back to my room relieved. Anyway, but in my self pity.. I decided it would be a good idea to CRAWL INTO A CORNER and feel bad for myself there. Then I could look all pitiful and pathetic in the movie that plays in my head that is my life. I scared my brother by opening and closing the door while he was in the hall way. He couldn't see me so I scared him. I felt all bad for myself and then came in. Basically I acted insane until he turned on the TV, self pity off.. TV.. LIFE GIVING ESCAPISM BOX ON. So, yeah. I freaked him out later. I didn't really want him to leave so I sat in front of the door. Then he crushed my thumb and I let my prisoner go.
I don't know whats wrong with me. I'm such a monkey. I think I try to live each moment dramatically because so many years of TV have made me feel like my life is a TV show and/or movie. School is a combo drama and sitcom. Home is one of those made for TV movies. My life in general is a movie, I even sometimes think of the perfect background music for the moments in my life. The problem with this outlook is that my life is superficial and I live each moment for nothing.. I have an overwhelming urge to rewind or retake but that simply isn't possible.
I love Catch 22. I love Dunbar. I love Yossarian, if he existed I'd have his crazy little children. I'm gettin overly involved I do believe. Anway, its really funny. I think I'm going to do one of the existentialism prompts for my paper. HAHA! If you told me that last year.. or even first semester this year, I would have laughed in your face and called you crazy. I understand it better than I thought and it works with me. I have a lot of problems with assuring my existance....oooooh.... the angst. Life is crazy. Maybe I should be a screenplay writer or director. The Oscar is mine.
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no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 07:55 am (UTC)what a sack of fuckage.
hope you feel better sar!!!!
xo
no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 04:02 pm (UTC)"Oh, well... what the hell."
no subject
Date: 2003-04-19 06:08 pm (UTC)get ready, because here comes long joyce-rant. parents sometimes need a SWIFT kick in the ass. just to get them moving. like the time i told my mom that sometimes i needed her to just LISTEN, instead of giving me advice i wouldn't listen to anyway. she said okay, and now she's really good at distinguishing when i just need to rant or when i'm asking for help. you should try it--"hey, parents, sometimes i need you guys to just check up on me." i know how it feels--i am way underprotected, i think. it's just that my whole family and all my friends feel like i can take care of myself, that i'm a big girl, i'm independent or whatever bullshit, and i've never gotten to feel safe or protected...it just feels like something i've missed out on, i suppose.
as far as colleges go, colleges are CRAP institutions. and i will tell you in all honesty, that i think what matters most is how much you put into the essay. if you can show those stupid college bastards that you deserve to be there in your essay, if you sound like you are too good for their school, and you have enough confidence (or at least can fake it) to say that you belong there, they'll believe it too. and yeah, madeline gets chosen for a lot of stuff. she's a sweetheart. but she tried TWICE for leadership positions in student council, and didn't get elected. i'm just saying that for everyone who seems to be perfect, there's a bunch of stuff that they don't quite live up to, you know?
and don't think you're mediocre, because you're not. you just haven't found your niche yet, i guess. or maybe you have, and i don't know, and i'm just being a huge moron. but i just want you to know that it's OKAY to dabble in a lot of stuff. of course, that's not what mrs. miller says, that stupid "hi, this is my monkey named ralph" idiotic bitch. yeah. when we had our little "why is joyce suicidal? (when joyce really wasn't suicidal)" chat, she told me that i was "unstable." and that i "bounce from place to place without a home base," and that i need "to find an anchor" and "stop trying to do so many things." i think she's a rabid dog. my parents have always taught me that it's GOOD to do a bunch of things. that way, you can really find out what you love to do. trial and error type of thing. i know some people go into college with a firm idea of what they want to do, but they end up unhappy because they never tried anything else. BRANCH OUT. variety is good, no matter what that idiotic satan says!
anyway. we're teenage girls, as much as we hate to admit it. we've damn well EARNED the right to be drama-queen, overly morose beings. it's in our nature. rrowl.
um...what else? oh yeah, you're super cool. =) and i'm totally serious, i'm so glad you're in two of my classes. it's good to have a buddy.
joyce
lol, joyce.. your comments are always greatly appreciated
Date: 2003-04-19 06:52 pm (UTC)Oh well. Junior year makes me feel bi-polar. Sooner I'm out, the better. Haha Joyce, you are the envy of the class, everyone wants out too.
"Have you met my talking monkey named Ralph?"
Date: 2003-04-21 06:32 pm (UTC)and you are right on the nose with the counselor solutions. oh, you're not feeling well? YOU MUST BE SUICIDAL! let me call your parents and tell them YOU'RE SUICIDAL! and you should take an open lab, while you're at being suicidal.
and the CAVE man? yeah. i think his main solutions are ghosting and duct tape. one of my friends had a problem with her cd rom drive, so he DUCT-TAPED it together, and shoved it back in. it got stuck. and i needed a new monitor once, and i was SO scared he would ghost my computer...
this school is insane. they're all insane. except yossarian.
joyce