I feel like I've been in a car accident..
Apr. 17th, 2003 10:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassToday didn't start to bad.. but I am basically assured in my lack of faith.
I have no belief anymore.. it simply can't be so. There is no light in my tunnel, I'm going towards nothing. There are no hands reaching out, all I hear is screaming. Relief is non-existant, and more pressure is a guarantee.
I'm so troubled, I don't know what to do. School is fucking me up so bad. I don't want to try anymore. I've lost all zeal. I'm done. I'm tired of the same places, faces, & failures. Everyday is constant pain.. what did I do to deserve this beating.
No one understands how much I'm hurting right now. I just can't cope anymore. People always expect me to deal with myself.. fix myself.. get over it. I'm the precedent.. I have to set the standards for my siblings. I have to be the experiment.. I have to figure everything out on my own.
In the last few days, I realized what slackers my parents are. It explains a lot about my slacking. It also explains a lot and I realized how I was raised. I was first born, first in their lives for 2 years. Then I was second, and third, and fourth. Always a baby crying, always a diaper to change. I got by on my own. My parents provided basic survival things, "love" so to speak.. but they totally forgot to inform me about their experiences in the world.
I've gone from birth to now, just improvising my life because I don't know what to do with it. All the sudden, it really registers : there is no doing this over. I have one shot and I've been fired as a blank. I've realized my supposed place in life, I was the experiment.. the tester baby. Its my responsibility to experience everything first so my parents know what to do with the next one.
Do you know how fucking scary it is to realize your parents have no clue to what they are doing with you???
I wish I had an older sibling for advice, how to deal with things. Someone who just knows whats going on.. knows how to handle each age. My parents don't seem to remember theirs.. it doesn't matter their experience is out of date. I don't know what I'm going to do.
All those saying such as "when things get tough, the tough get going." Its either bullshit or was written by someone not born first. I wish someone would have been beating the shit out of me as a kid, showing me how to be or how not to be. Any example, any evidence.. any guide. No, I got universally screwed. Its up to me to fuck up and who cares if my life ends up in a dumpster in some back alley.. at least the parents will know what to do with the other 3.
I cannot cope anymore. Things are all falling apart. I'm sick of trying to set a good example, I'm sick of trying to beat myself. I'm trapped.. I'm limited. Today, my mom made me go to Anthony's doctors appointment. She left me in the lobby without talking to me. If I wasn't so groggy.. I was seriously considering just walking home, it was close enough. Maybe 2-3 miles. Just through suburbia. I wanted my parents to be angry at me.. I wanted that so much. It was a form of attention.. in the last few months, usually when I'm just sitting around.. I feel like breaking things. Just to get a reaction. I know this is what problem children do, I know it is their lack of attention.. and I'm feeling that. However, I raised myself as to not cause a stir, and I've always tried to stay as anonymous as possible. Its to hard to fight the part of myself that wants to not be noticed with the side that wants to scream for it.
It also hit me that I don't think I've learned anything in high school. Everything has been crammed. I don't remember a thing from Bio, or Chem.. history is basically a blank. Theology has always been common sense.. I've realized more strongly everyday how much I don't know in Latin. I resent it, I feel so uncomfortable being there because I haven't understood for 2 years. Mr. Hildebrand made sense, I began learning the grammar with daily conjugating. Mr Zoch just assumes we remember. Now I'm a Latin 3 student who just looks up words in the back and puts them in random order. Today, I missed a first week of Latin 1 concept, after I basically already embarressed myself as being the only person not to place from Latin 3 in the NLE. Mostly because I fell asleep because I had just stayed up all night (I didn't sleep at all) on my history paper. He just sort of scowled and said with his condescending tone "I will remember you for 1st place in reading comp.. yeah *snicker* you did really bad." I've been wasting my time. I've had 3 years of high school and have nothing to show for it. Math, well I pick it up because it requires so much application that it gets in there. I have wasted my life. I'm 16 and I don't remember my childhood. Its all lost. I'm trapped in a state of miserableness. I just want out. I want out of this. Not out of life itself.. just this one. I need a huge change. I need an explanation. I need advice. I need the demands to be torn away so I can be free to follow whatever path I'm supposed to take. If things don't lighten, I can't express how messed up I will be.
Service project, individual classes, grades, SATs, college application, all the stressors.. now daddy is yelling at me about getting scholarships. Do do do. Now now now. My entire life, I've wanted help.. my parents to help me with rudimentary things. They wanted me to learn on my own. Now people are saying, "you need to help your kids get into college" it translates into "oh fuck.. we need to start kicking sarah's ass harder! we have to help motivate her." My dad is so worried about boy scouts and my brothers. My mom is worried about my dad being a pain in the ass. My parents are worried about my sister. No one is left to be worried about me. My dad is afraid and doesn't know what to do with me. My mom thinks of me more like a best friend than a child, they tell you not to do that - there is just reason because I see her less as a parent and respect her less plus I have to listen to her bitch about my dad. My dad tells me I don't understand lots of things, but doesn't seem willing to explain. When I ask him questions.. he doesn't answer.
I assert, that there is no god. All I wanted in life was a push, anywhere to anything. I got nothing.
I have no belief anymore.. it simply can't be so. There is no light in my tunnel, I'm going towards nothing. There are no hands reaching out, all I hear is screaming. Relief is non-existant, and more pressure is a guarantee.
I'm so troubled, I don't know what to do. School is fucking me up so bad. I don't want to try anymore. I've lost all zeal. I'm done. I'm tired of the same places, faces, & failures. Everyday is constant pain.. what did I do to deserve this beating.
No one understands how much I'm hurting right now. I just can't cope anymore. People always expect me to deal with myself.. fix myself.. get over it. I'm the precedent.. I have to set the standards for my siblings. I have to be the experiment.. I have to figure everything out on my own.
In the last few days, I realized what slackers my parents are. It explains a lot about my slacking. It also explains a lot and I realized how I was raised. I was first born, first in their lives for 2 years. Then I was second, and third, and fourth. Always a baby crying, always a diaper to change. I got by on my own. My parents provided basic survival things, "love" so to speak.. but they totally forgot to inform me about their experiences in the world.
I've gone from birth to now, just improvising my life because I don't know what to do with it. All the sudden, it really registers : there is no doing this over. I have one shot and I've been fired as a blank. I've realized my supposed place in life, I was the experiment.. the tester baby. Its my responsibility to experience everything first so my parents know what to do with the next one.
Do you know how fucking scary it is to realize your parents have no clue to what they are doing with you???
I wish I had an older sibling for advice, how to deal with things. Someone who just knows whats going on.. knows how to handle each age. My parents don't seem to remember theirs.. it doesn't matter their experience is out of date. I don't know what I'm going to do.
All those saying such as "when things get tough, the tough get going." Its either bullshit or was written by someone not born first. I wish someone would have been beating the shit out of me as a kid, showing me how to be or how not to be. Any example, any evidence.. any guide. No, I got universally screwed. Its up to me to fuck up and who cares if my life ends up in a dumpster in some back alley.. at least the parents will know what to do with the other 3.
I cannot cope anymore. Things are all falling apart. I'm sick of trying to set a good example, I'm sick of trying to beat myself. I'm trapped.. I'm limited. Today, my mom made me go to Anthony's doctors appointment. She left me in the lobby without talking to me. If I wasn't so groggy.. I was seriously considering just walking home, it was close enough. Maybe 2-3 miles. Just through suburbia. I wanted my parents to be angry at me.. I wanted that so much. It was a form of attention.. in the last few months, usually when I'm just sitting around.. I feel like breaking things. Just to get a reaction. I know this is what problem children do, I know it is their lack of attention.. and I'm feeling that. However, I raised myself as to not cause a stir, and I've always tried to stay as anonymous as possible. Its to hard to fight the part of myself that wants to not be noticed with the side that wants to scream for it.
It also hit me that I don't think I've learned anything in high school. Everything has been crammed. I don't remember a thing from Bio, or Chem.. history is basically a blank. Theology has always been common sense.. I've realized more strongly everyday how much I don't know in Latin. I resent it, I feel so uncomfortable being there because I haven't understood for 2 years. Mr. Hildebrand made sense, I began learning the grammar with daily conjugating. Mr Zoch just assumes we remember. Now I'm a Latin 3 student who just looks up words in the back and puts them in random order. Today, I missed a first week of Latin 1 concept, after I basically already embarressed myself as being the only person not to place from Latin 3 in the NLE. Mostly because I fell asleep because I had just stayed up all night (I didn't sleep at all) on my history paper. He just sort of scowled and said with his condescending tone "I will remember you for 1st place in reading comp.. yeah *snicker* you did really bad." I've been wasting my time. I've had 3 years of high school and have nothing to show for it. Math, well I pick it up because it requires so much application that it gets in there. I have wasted my life. I'm 16 and I don't remember my childhood. Its all lost. I'm trapped in a state of miserableness. I just want out. I want out of this. Not out of life itself.. just this one. I need a huge change. I need an explanation. I need advice. I need the demands to be torn away so I can be free to follow whatever path I'm supposed to take. If things don't lighten, I can't express how messed up I will be.
Service project, individual classes, grades, SATs, college application, all the stressors.. now daddy is yelling at me about getting scholarships. Do do do. Now now now. My entire life, I've wanted help.. my parents to help me with rudimentary things. They wanted me to learn on my own. Now people are saying, "you need to help your kids get into college" it translates into "oh fuck.. we need to start kicking sarah's ass harder! we have to help motivate her." My dad is so worried about boy scouts and my brothers. My mom is worried about my dad being a pain in the ass. My parents are worried about my sister. No one is left to be worried about me. My dad is afraid and doesn't know what to do with me. My mom thinks of me more like a best friend than a child, they tell you not to do that - there is just reason because I see her less as a parent and respect her less plus I have to listen to her bitch about my dad. My dad tells me I don't understand lots of things, but doesn't seem willing to explain. When I ask him questions.. he doesn't answer.
I assert, that there is no god. All I wanted in life was a push, anywhere to anything. I got nothing.
