Hrmph.. I feel so messed up..
Apr. 16th, 2003 08:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassToday, overall was a good day. School-wise, things went very well. My Gap jeans came today and I luff them, Mary- They are so NOT highwater. We ordered two but the flares looked like crap, like I either a) Walked out of a roller disco circa 1960s or b) Walked out of middle school (haha..). Annnnnyway.. I'm keeping the boot cut, they are sooooo comfortable. My other pair is like mofo stiff, you have to wear them for a week for them to get somewhat loose. About the 3rd day you start feeling grungy. Haha. So that was good.
I was talking to my mom and she said something about underwear.. and then turned it into some prod at Megan.
I can't tell you how much this is bothering me. I know its not my fault.. I know its not my problem, but it makes me so upset when I think about her and what she is doing. We aren't friends. The friend I had in her was killed by high school, the superficialness of her mother, & a few boyfriends that trainwrecked her confidence from a high ego to submissive sex object. However, no matter how bad she gets.. and how many bad things she does. I want to fix her. That sounds so.. well, it implies she is broken even if people don't think so. Whenever I read her journal (which she doesn't know I do.. I don't know why I do very well either), it makes me so sad and nostalgic for my childhood friend. We were sooo different, but with such odd things, interesting things in common - we were tied together that way. One time we conspired we would go to an Ivy League college (in those days of hopeless dreams of young kids), she wanted to be an Interior Designer and back then, I wanted to be an architect (funny how that is what is happening now.. maybe that is intensifying to pain of the memories). I was going to build us a house to live in during college and she was going to decorate it. We went to Ikea and took note of everything we wanted in our house, I drew a room plan. I put out a cup that said "Sarah & Megan's College House Fund".. god, I don't remember how old we were but you couldn't convince me that our house wasn't going to happen. Many times I considered her a best friend, she was so many things I wasn't.. she was like a lost half. Maybe not the greatest half, but certainly important. We never went to school together, we met because our dad's worked at the same place & my mom met her mom at some wife meeting. The first day we met was ackward, however.. it started with a bang. That very day, her new "American Girl Doll of Today" came.. I had gotten mine maybe a week or two before. We found our first common interest right there. We went to lunch, back to my house to get my doll, and back to her house where we played for several hours. This was the first day, and we were (what I felt) really great friends. I would go to her house, she had so much stuff that I envied. Super cable, nice house, 3 inside cats, a big golden retriever, her own room.. 0 siblings. It was an escape, and I really liked being with her.
We were both born & partially raised in Chicago, we prided ourselves that we were "city girls" and always egotistically chatted about how Houston was so uncouth compared to Chicago (think Gone with the Wind & Savannah). For my birthday, my gift was a trip by myself to my grandmother's house (like a right of passage- air travel w/o parent). Talking happened and Megan's parents let her go. It was so great, I thought. We had some problems because she got homesick and after visiting her grandparents didn't want to come back and stay with us. I was hurt.. sorta... but I was a kid and understood the homesickness (my best friend in 3rd grade got homesick at my birthday party and had her stepmom drive like, 2.5 blocks to get her at 3 AM - overall, it didn't bug me). However, I remember after the trip, my grandma and mom were talking and my grandma thought she was ungrateful and bratty. I stood up for her, she was my friend and I didn't want them talking about her. My grandma told me she always admired me for that. I knew that she had a lot more things than me.. but I was in total awe of Megan, she had so much, but she still wanted to be friends with me. I remember good times and I was exicted about high school, for the first time we would be at the same school. We would only be better friends I thought.
As it happened, we split ways within the first quarter. With choir she met some new girls.. some new guys and she was ready to move into full fledged dating mode (I was in awe of her as a kid because she went on a "date" in 4th grade and had a boyfriend). I wasn't.. er.. ready to hit that scene, and I stayed behindd. Within the week, I buddied up with Jennifer & Niki from speech and consequently met Mary.. the group grew and shrunk and changed after that.
Megan moved on with less moral people. Boyfriends, alcohol, etc. I feel bad with what she is doing now. It makes me wonder what would have happened if we had remained friends & continued to talk. Would I have been able to save her? Could I have been a rock of stability while she went through all those tornadoes of people and problems? Or, would she have pulled me down with her? In many ways, I still want to try and save her. I also feel like I somehow failed her for not trying to pull her out of the rut. I want to help her, remind her of her dignity, remind her that she is worth something and doesn't need to be a flirt, selfish, drunk, or compromised. My mom says its not my fault, and in many ways I understand that it isn't. But I can't help feeling like I just gave up on her because I was scared. It saddens me that such a friendship was spoiled so quickly.
So, even though she won't read this. I'm sorry Megan. I'm sorry, I didn't try harder. I'm sorry I didn't realize that you were having so much trouble and I didn't reach out. I always used to just feel like we would get back together one day.. but it sinks in that it most likely won't happen. I hope you find that girl, that happy confident child somewhere and realize you don't need to be the way you are- the person you seem to hate. I was always your biggest fan growing up, then things fluctuated. We were very different people, and now are even more so.. the extremes of two sides, we would probably be considered better people with a dabble of eachother instead of our full blown personalities. Anyway.. I'm sorry. I wish you the best of luck in the future, I hope you find what you are looking for and are better for it.
Thats all I have to say, and I don't feel like saying anymore.
I was talking to my mom and she said something about underwear.. and then turned it into some prod at Megan.
I can't tell you how much this is bothering me. I know its not my fault.. I know its not my problem, but it makes me so upset when I think about her and what she is doing. We aren't friends. The friend I had in her was killed by high school, the superficialness of her mother, & a few boyfriends that trainwrecked her confidence from a high ego to submissive sex object. However, no matter how bad she gets.. and how many bad things she does. I want to fix her. That sounds so.. well, it implies she is broken even if people don't think so. Whenever I read her journal (which she doesn't know I do.. I don't know why I do very well either), it makes me so sad and nostalgic for my childhood friend. We were sooo different, but with such odd things, interesting things in common - we were tied together that way. One time we conspired we would go to an Ivy League college (in those days of hopeless dreams of young kids), she wanted to be an Interior Designer and back then, I wanted to be an architect (funny how that is what is happening now.. maybe that is intensifying to pain of the memories). I was going to build us a house to live in during college and she was going to decorate it. We went to Ikea and took note of everything we wanted in our house, I drew a room plan. I put out a cup that said "Sarah & Megan's College House Fund".. god, I don't remember how old we were but you couldn't convince me that our house wasn't going to happen. Many times I considered her a best friend, she was so many things I wasn't.. she was like a lost half. Maybe not the greatest half, but certainly important. We never went to school together, we met because our dad's worked at the same place & my mom met her mom at some wife meeting. The first day we met was ackward, however.. it started with a bang. That very day, her new "American Girl Doll of Today" came.. I had gotten mine maybe a week or two before. We found our first common interest right there. We went to lunch, back to my house to get my doll, and back to her house where we played for several hours. This was the first day, and we were (what I felt) really great friends. I would go to her house, she had so much stuff that I envied. Super cable, nice house, 3 inside cats, a big golden retriever, her own room.. 0 siblings. It was an escape, and I really liked being with her.
We were both born & partially raised in Chicago, we prided ourselves that we were "city girls" and always egotistically chatted about how Houston was so uncouth compared to Chicago (think Gone with the Wind & Savannah). For my birthday, my gift was a trip by myself to my grandmother's house (like a right of passage- air travel w/o parent). Talking happened and Megan's parents let her go. It was so great, I thought. We had some problems because she got homesick and after visiting her grandparents didn't want to come back and stay with us. I was hurt.. sorta... but I was a kid and understood the homesickness (my best friend in 3rd grade got homesick at my birthday party and had her stepmom drive like, 2.5 blocks to get her at 3 AM - overall, it didn't bug me). However, I remember after the trip, my grandma and mom were talking and my grandma thought she was ungrateful and bratty. I stood up for her, she was my friend and I didn't want them talking about her. My grandma told me she always admired me for that. I knew that she had a lot more things than me.. but I was in total awe of Megan, she had so much, but she still wanted to be friends with me. I remember good times and I was exicted about high school, for the first time we would be at the same school. We would only be better friends I thought.
As it happened, we split ways within the first quarter. With choir she met some new girls.. some new guys and she was ready to move into full fledged dating mode (I was in awe of her as a kid because she went on a "date" in 4th grade and had a boyfriend). I wasn't.. er.. ready to hit that scene, and I stayed behindd. Within the week, I buddied up with Jennifer & Niki from speech and consequently met Mary.. the group grew and shrunk and changed after that.
Megan moved on with less moral people. Boyfriends, alcohol, etc. I feel bad with what she is doing now. It makes me wonder what would have happened if we had remained friends & continued to talk. Would I have been able to save her? Could I have been a rock of stability while she went through all those tornadoes of people and problems? Or, would she have pulled me down with her? In many ways, I still want to try and save her. I also feel like I somehow failed her for not trying to pull her out of the rut. I want to help her, remind her of her dignity, remind her that she is worth something and doesn't need to be a flirt, selfish, drunk, or compromised. My mom says its not my fault, and in many ways I understand that it isn't. But I can't help feeling like I just gave up on her because I was scared. It saddens me that such a friendship was spoiled so quickly.
So, even though she won't read this. I'm sorry Megan. I'm sorry, I didn't try harder. I'm sorry I didn't realize that you were having so much trouble and I didn't reach out. I always used to just feel like we would get back together one day.. but it sinks in that it most likely won't happen. I hope you find that girl, that happy confident child somewhere and realize you don't need to be the way you are- the person you seem to hate. I was always your biggest fan growing up, then things fluctuated. We were very different people, and now are even more so.. the extremes of two sides, we would probably be considered better people with a dabble of eachother instead of our full blown personalities. Anyway.. I'm sorry. I wish you the best of luck in the future, I hope you find what you are looking for and are better for it.
Thats all I have to say, and I don't feel like saying anymore.
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