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transomwhiplassThere are many things I regret doing.. and not doing. It makes me wonder how I will turn out with so many mistakes. I don't think I make so many because I'm stupid or irresponsible, mostly because I'm either too impulsive or not enough.
I'm sitting here laid back about this powerpoint for a group project. We have to teach the class for 3 days (uhm.. wtf is my family paying the school to teach me for?) anyway. I should be freaking out because I only have a small portion done. But I'm not.
I have circuts test tomorrow that I really need to study for since I was absent on introduction day, thus missed the entire basis. The math is very, very simple but I have problems with tracing the order and thus distinguishing series from parallels. Blah.
I have a pre-cal test, yet to study for that either. I have a good grip on the material but its a lot details (mostly relating to the conics). So poo on that too.
I'm freaking out over when I'm going to take my SATs, ACTs, & SAT 2s. I REALLY wish I could have taken April. Fucking orchestra, I really really hate you and I don't know what's wrong with me and why I stick with you. Now I'm left with two dates this season and maybe one.. two.. I in Fall? Shit. Not to mention the 2s, do you have to take those a different day because that just narrows my chances. Fuck fuck fuck. Rice needs 3 I believe, last time I checked (quite awhile ago, I should check on that *mental note*): writing, & two relating to proposed field of study.
Ok.. holy shit. They were extremely selective last year. I'm doomed. I need to like, save a baby to get it. I hate my school as of now. Why was I such a dingbat to sacrifice top 10%-dom. Haha.. that is so superficial. But seriously, last year it was not nearly as narrow. There statistic page is a nasty stab in the gut.
Class Rank
Percentage who were ranked #1 23% Haha.. No
Percentage who were ranked #2 8% Not even close
High school class rank in top 5% (includes #1 and #2) 74% Er.. no
High school class rank in top 10% (includes ranks above) 83% Maybe if I weaseled my way into the stupid cheating ring that may screw me for life
Other Entering-Class Distinctions* Number
High school varsity athletes 440 No
Community service activists 407 I wish I was, my 100 hours is required and I have yet to jump on that
Organization presidents 222 Oh woo-hoo, Latin club, even Kristin won't yield me full presidency, Web Mastering club maybe next year.. poo.. I never finished my pages, I hate Ms Smith
Multilingual 188 ig-pey atin-ley, ount-cey?
National Merit Finalists 184 No... I suck
Members of student government 178 I gave up on student council in elementary school. Alas, no one ever liked me.
Class presidents 34 Alas, I am not loved
Drama/Debate participants 149 I'm not decisive or extroverted enough
Boys State or Girls State participants 29 My mom was in OH, good luck in TX - the huge mofo state, plus they only pick girls like Madeline for this, they don't even think of me. I think they see me as a lost cause.
Published authors 24 Hm.. to become a published author by next year.. oh yeah, that's going to happen
Editors-in-chief (newspapers, yearbooks) 22 If I am so incredibly fucking lucky, I'm going to wind up co-editor if I am kinda lucky.. co co co everything
So.. I'm doomed trying to compete with such a better class of people. I feel so low right now, I think I may need to cry. High school, honestly.. has been a nightmare. Sure.. I didn't get lost in the hallway or picked on to my face or beat up. But I have basically resented it. I blame the media for false advertising. I want a stereotypical adolescence where I hate my parents and everything was about proms, hair, clothes, shoes, & manicures. Where I would just get into college.. I wouldn't care so much, but it would just happen. It would have been easier. I would have been such a moron, things would just flow without me telling them to. Instead, I'm borderline.
I'm always borderline and that's my curse. I never radical nor conservative. I'm not decisive but I'm not hesitant. I'm not republican but I'm not democrat. I'm not stupid but I'm not a genius. I'm not fantastic at anything but I'm not terrible at anything. I have no distinguishing characteristics. It drives me insane because I feel so helpless I and I don't know what to do. I feel sorry for myself constantly and blame others. Why couldn't my parents shove me in a direction and make me stick to it. Why didn't they force me to do things. They knew better, they didn't do their job. I know they wanted me to make my own choices. Right now, I'm a girl without a direction. Don't people know what a time bomb I am? People say that idle hands to the devil's work. Maybe I should drop out of school, but then all the pain would be wasted. Maybe I should get on drugs, I don't know where to get them and was never cool enough to be peer pressured into trying any. Maybe I should be a whore, but I'm afraid of boys. Maybe I should go to jail, I'm so indecisive I wouldn't be able to choose a crime. Maybe I should just piss my life away and then start back from the bottom. Sure, it would be hard, but at least I would have a direction: up. Right now, I'm stuck in the middle and there is no where for me to go. The top is sealed by those blessed by genetics and money. This is as smart as I'm going to get. I learn things for the moment and forget them the next second. Someone is always better, always. Maybe I'm the best at being stuck or feeling sorry for myself, but I'm sure someone is better at that than me. I want a situation, I want a direction, I want a one track mind. I want focus.. I want determination. Anything except being trapped. Maybe I'm dead.. but is this life hell or purgatory.
Somebody, anybody.. tell me what to do, and I will do it. I'm so serious. I would listen to anybody right now, anyone. A priest, a pimp, a psychiatrist, a drug dealer. Whoever. I don't want this. I don't want the choices. I want them to go away. Someone else be responsible.
I think I've reached an end. I feel that I've gone down a hypothetical alley and hit a steel wall in a car with no reverse, the walls to narrow to open the doors. There is no way forward, back, around, or through. Whoever wants to cut a hole and let me out. Why can't there ever be one choice. One, never requiring a decision.
Well I feel bad now. Way to go, Sarah. Maybe I can publish my journal in a book called, "The Un-Heard Screams of a Depressed Adolescent." Curse ye, genes. Why did I get screwed, what did I do in my past life. Speaking of that, I wonder when I will find religion. I'm waiting for one that sounds good. Buddhism sounds promising.
Now I see the promise in the M.R.S., instant care taker.. valium.. children on which to try to correct your mistakes.. thats an interesting idea.
I wonder with me, what my parents were making up for. They called me their "tester" child. I don't think they tried to mold me into anything. I started a moldable piece of clay and was left to dry and now I am nothing. A no talent, no caliber, good for nothing. My dad had my problem, interested in everything.. as well as nothing. He is miserable. Is that my doom, how come he didn't try to compensate???
My life is a mistake... mistakes I can take back. Mistakes I learned nothing from. A huge fucking waste of a life. I have nothing to show for myself. No one cares how it turns out, it seems. So why should I. Maybe I should go right now, steal the car, drive to a shit neighborhood, find some crack and sign up with a pimp.
Maybe I should tell my parents I'm miserable. They will probably tell me to get over it, or take care of it. Like I do with everything. Just.. fix myself.
Everything stands out like a billboard, reminding me I'm a failure. I wondered how I got like this, but I know. I thought every thing was a game.. a practice.. an experimential time: birth to sophomore year. Then I found out, that time counted and I was supposed to be developing interests and hobbies and lifetime connections & friends. So let me ask you this, Why the fuck wasn't I informed??
I'm sitting here laid back about this powerpoint for a group project. We have to teach the class for 3 days (uhm.. wtf is my family paying the school to teach me for?) anyway. I should be freaking out because I only have a small portion done. But I'm not.
I have circuts test tomorrow that I really need to study for since I was absent on introduction day, thus missed the entire basis. The math is very, very simple but I have problems with tracing the order and thus distinguishing series from parallels. Blah.
I have a pre-cal test, yet to study for that either. I have a good grip on the material but its a lot details (mostly relating to the conics). So poo on that too.
I'm freaking out over when I'm going to take my SATs, ACTs, & SAT 2s. I REALLY wish I could have taken April. Fucking orchestra, I really really hate you and I don't know what's wrong with me and why I stick with you. Now I'm left with two dates this season and maybe one.. two.. I in Fall? Shit. Not to mention the 2s, do you have to take those a different day because that just narrows my chances. Fuck fuck fuck. Rice needs 3 I believe, last time I checked (quite awhile ago, I should check on that *mental note*): writing, & two relating to proposed field of study.
Ok.. holy shit. They were extremely selective last year. I'm doomed. I need to like, save a baby to get it. I hate my school as of now. Why was I such a dingbat to sacrifice top 10%-dom. Haha.. that is so superficial. But seriously, last year it was not nearly as narrow. There statistic page is a nasty stab in the gut.
Class Rank
Percentage who were ranked #1 23% Haha.. No
Percentage who were ranked #2 8% Not even close
High school class rank in top 5% (includes #1 and #2) 74% Er.. no
High school class rank in top 10% (includes ranks above) 83% Maybe if I weaseled my way into the stupid cheating ring that may screw me for life
Other Entering-Class Distinctions* Number
High school varsity athletes 440 No
Community service activists 407 I wish I was, my 100 hours is required and I have yet to jump on that
Organization presidents 222 Oh woo-hoo, Latin club, even Kristin won't yield me full presidency, Web Mastering club maybe next year.. poo.. I never finished my pages, I hate Ms Smith
Multilingual 188 ig-pey atin-ley, ount-cey?
National Merit Finalists 184 No... I suck
Members of student government 178 I gave up on student council in elementary school. Alas, no one ever liked me.
Class presidents 34 Alas, I am not loved
Drama/Debate participants 149 I'm not decisive or extroverted enough
Boys State or Girls State participants 29 My mom was in OH, good luck in TX - the huge mofo state, plus they only pick girls like Madeline for this, they don't even think of me. I think they see me as a lost cause.
Published authors 24 Hm.. to become a published author by next year.. oh yeah, that's going to happen
Editors-in-chief (newspapers, yearbooks) 22 If I am so incredibly fucking lucky, I'm going to wind up co-editor if I am kinda lucky.. co co co everything
So.. I'm doomed trying to compete with such a better class of people. I feel so low right now, I think I may need to cry. High school, honestly.. has been a nightmare. Sure.. I didn't get lost in the hallway or picked on to my face or beat up. But I have basically resented it. I blame the media for false advertising. I want a stereotypical adolescence where I hate my parents and everything was about proms, hair, clothes, shoes, & manicures. Where I would just get into college.. I wouldn't care so much, but it would just happen. It would have been easier. I would have been such a moron, things would just flow without me telling them to. Instead, I'm borderline.
I'm always borderline and that's my curse. I never radical nor conservative. I'm not decisive but I'm not hesitant. I'm not republican but I'm not democrat. I'm not stupid but I'm not a genius. I'm not fantastic at anything but I'm not terrible at anything. I have no distinguishing characteristics. It drives me insane because I feel so helpless I and I don't know what to do. I feel sorry for myself constantly and blame others. Why couldn't my parents shove me in a direction and make me stick to it. Why didn't they force me to do things. They knew better, they didn't do their job. I know they wanted me to make my own choices. Right now, I'm a girl without a direction. Don't people know what a time bomb I am? People say that idle hands to the devil's work. Maybe I should drop out of school, but then all the pain would be wasted. Maybe I should get on drugs, I don't know where to get them and was never cool enough to be peer pressured into trying any. Maybe I should be a whore, but I'm afraid of boys. Maybe I should go to jail, I'm so indecisive I wouldn't be able to choose a crime. Maybe I should just piss my life away and then start back from the bottom. Sure, it would be hard, but at least I would have a direction: up. Right now, I'm stuck in the middle and there is no where for me to go. The top is sealed by those blessed by genetics and money. This is as smart as I'm going to get. I learn things for the moment and forget them the next second. Someone is always better, always. Maybe I'm the best at being stuck or feeling sorry for myself, but I'm sure someone is better at that than me. I want a situation, I want a direction, I want a one track mind. I want focus.. I want determination. Anything except being trapped. Maybe I'm dead.. but is this life hell or purgatory.
Somebody, anybody.. tell me what to do, and I will do it. I'm so serious. I would listen to anybody right now, anyone. A priest, a pimp, a psychiatrist, a drug dealer. Whoever. I don't want this. I don't want the choices. I want them to go away. Someone else be responsible.
I think I've reached an end. I feel that I've gone down a hypothetical alley and hit a steel wall in a car with no reverse, the walls to narrow to open the doors. There is no way forward, back, around, or through. Whoever wants to cut a hole and let me out. Why can't there ever be one choice. One, never requiring a decision.
Well I feel bad now. Way to go, Sarah. Maybe I can publish my journal in a book called, "The Un-Heard Screams of a Depressed Adolescent." Curse ye, genes. Why did I get screwed, what did I do in my past life. Speaking of that, I wonder when I will find religion. I'm waiting for one that sounds good. Buddhism sounds promising.
Now I see the promise in the M.R.S., instant care taker.. valium.. children on which to try to correct your mistakes.. thats an interesting idea.
I wonder with me, what my parents were making up for. They called me their "tester" child. I don't think they tried to mold me into anything. I started a moldable piece of clay and was left to dry and now I am nothing. A no talent, no caliber, good for nothing. My dad had my problem, interested in everything.. as well as nothing. He is miserable. Is that my doom, how come he didn't try to compensate???
My life is a mistake... mistakes I can take back. Mistakes I learned nothing from. A huge fucking waste of a life. I have nothing to show for myself. No one cares how it turns out, it seems. So why should I. Maybe I should go right now, steal the car, drive to a shit neighborhood, find some crack and sign up with a pimp.
Maybe I should tell my parents I'm miserable. They will probably tell me to get over it, or take care of it. Like I do with everything. Just.. fix myself.
Everything stands out like a billboard, reminding me I'm a failure. I wondered how I got like this, but I know. I thought every thing was a game.. a practice.. an experimential time: birth to sophomore year. Then I found out, that time counted and I was supposed to be developing interests and hobbies and lifetime connections & friends. So let me ask you this, Why the fuck wasn't I informed??
no subject
Date: 2003-04-24 01:28 pm (UTC)Thomas Edison probably never learned to juggle. Ceaser never learned about the fact that there was a whole big Chinese empire. Homer never rode a bicycle. Einstein didn't gradutate from Princeton. Does that mean they were failures???? There's lots of stuff they didn't do. Unfortunately we don't live for ever so we can't try everything. What you have to do is look at the things you like to do and figure which of those things that you do well, and try banging those things together in different combinations, pretty soon you'll get some sparks and before you know it you will have the freaking aggie bonfire.
Here's what I can see:
You are really interested in figuring out how to make the web do what you want.
You wrote a killer of an essay on your freshman religious test. And people think you help them write better.
It turns out you had a great time skiing even though originally you didn't want to go.
You have assembled a great set of friends.
You helped put together a trampoline without the instruction book!
You are in the top half of one of the best high schools in Texas if not the US.
If you look around a little, you will find that there are a lot of colleges out there that are actually easier to get through than your high school (as long as you take care to avoid the bores and the drudges and don't party too hardy on school nights).
Concentrate on the list of things you like, narrow it down to the things you do well at and identify what you want to learn more about. Stop worrying about what other girls are doing. Let their moms and dads do that for them. Find somebody as excited as you are about the things you want to learn more about and I promise you will take off like a rocket. Nobody can give that initial spark to you and once you have that pilot light lit nobody can take it away from you.
I liked computers when I was in middle school. When I was in high school I thought I wanted to be a lawyer. In college I found out the law is an "ass" and my school at the time didn't think the topic "computers" ranked as a science. What am I doing now? I am working with contracts for computer services. Is this what I want to be doing for the rest of my life? maybe not but so what? tomorrow is another day. Ray Kroc didn't get close to figuring things out completely until he was sixty. Picasso was churning out masterpieces when he was 90.
Somebody once said as you go forward through life and you struggle with this problem it feels like you are stumbling over huge boulders in complete darkness but in the end when you look back at your life you will see that everything was connected and that you and God had plan for you all along. It's people who don't bother to struggle that never get anywhere. Life's fine, Jump in!