Well I finished those chapters of Catch 22
Apr. 7th, 2003 12:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassI finished chapters 1-4 and amid the highlighting and what not.. I managed to do some thinking..
An hour or so before, I became enormously overwhelmed.. I still am, but the difference now is in that I am not crying. Somehow all stressful factors and worries and pains and anxieties that I hold and ponder on their own occasions met in that one point in the mind of my universe. I see it all mathmatically, thoughts traveling in lines on a 3 planes intersecting.. small chance they would hit. But they did.. and it was a crash. It struck me like an iron ball to a plate of glass. Suddenly the world became totally hopeless, I realized that even if I made an attempt to achieve hapiness, I would only develop new problems. True happiness is asymptotic; unreachable. Then confusion set it in, and all I wanted was for time to stop, for it to not be against me for once. Not to have to fight the unfightable force. I realized that every second was tolling against me and there was no way to stop it, I have never felt more trapped and hopeless in my life. Stuck in time, every second lived once.
Then I read.
How bizarre to read a novel after having such thoughts. Things experienced over and over, a man who enjoys things that make him bored because he feels he is living longer, the sheer trap of it all. It certainly did not clarify any of my thoughts but it was comforting like a friend who knows what you are going through.
My mind is doing crazy things as of now; thoughts spasming from the left and the right. I'm going to do something I swore or at least thought I would never do, i.e. e-mail Eryn Higgins.
Daylight savings time sure is a fucker of a day, isn't it?
An hour or so before, I became enormously overwhelmed.. I still am, but the difference now is in that I am not crying. Somehow all stressful factors and worries and pains and anxieties that I hold and ponder on their own occasions met in that one point in the mind of my universe. I see it all mathmatically, thoughts traveling in lines on a 3 planes intersecting.. small chance they would hit. But they did.. and it was a crash. It struck me like an iron ball to a plate of glass. Suddenly the world became totally hopeless, I realized that even if I made an attempt to achieve hapiness, I would only develop new problems. True happiness is asymptotic; unreachable. Then confusion set it in, and all I wanted was for time to stop, for it to not be against me for once. Not to have to fight the unfightable force. I realized that every second was tolling against me and there was no way to stop it, I have never felt more trapped and hopeless in my life. Stuck in time, every second lived once.
Then I read.
How bizarre to read a novel after having such thoughts. Things experienced over and over, a man who enjoys things that make him bored because he feels he is living longer, the sheer trap of it all. It certainly did not clarify any of my thoughts but it was comforting like a friend who knows what you are going through.
My mind is doing crazy things as of now; thoughts spasming from the left and the right. I'm going to do something I swore or at least thought I would never do, i.e. e-mail Eryn Higgins.
Daylight savings time sure is a fucker of a day, isn't it?
