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Mar. 9th, 2003 12:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
transomwhiplassI wish my life was so thrilling everyone would be on the edge of their chairs, with hearts throbbing in anticipation that I would share just a shred of my day-to-day experiences. Then.. I wish it was so phenomenal, they would sink back in their chairs, faces flushed, fanning themselves with their hand; for my life would be so exciting, just hearing about it would be equivalent of a 15 minute run at least.
Alas.. its not. No one cares, neither do I. Typical girl with typical problems? Growing up in the suburbs, going to private school, being not popular, not caring, etc etc.
What lies beyond this I wonder. The clock is ticking and I'm no closer to knowing. You never know until you get there. I wish.. I just wish that my future self would visit me, not necessarily tell me what I will become, but, just tell me "Everything will be ok.."
I don't want infinite hapiness, I don't want infinite wealth. I just want to be ok. I wish I was luckier, I wish my life had more perks. I wish I could get win something important to me which right now (shallowly) constitutes as the following:
- Being editor of the paper
- Get in the top quintile
- Finding something I'm truly interested in doing for a living.
- Winning an award from a teacher at the end of the year.
- Etc.
I just want something, anything, to just live for and fight for. After all, what am I doing?? I'm going to school, for what? My education.. for a college.. for a career.. but what career? If I don't know what goal I'm trying to achieve, how can I strive for it. I feel like I'm drifting, waiting to hit something in a sea of total emptiness. To continue this metaphor, here are some possible scenarios (note: these symbolize my future):
- I hit an island, its tiny, no way out. I'm stuck for life; miserable, alone, stuck.
- I hit a chain of tiny islands, I go from one to another, it's still a trap.
- I hit a major island, I meet some people.. better off than before.
- (skipping some) I was up on the mainland, I find people, I find opprotunity.
I don't care what the meaning of all life is.. just mine. I'm someone with no particular interests, strengths, or weaknesses. I'm stuck in the middle, stuck in the average. That's who I am. My life isn't particularly happy, but it isn't sad either. I wish I could be an extreme at something. People at extremes have a direction. They can either work for or against their condition. I'm in the middle and I'm a very avoidant decision maker. I'll be 90 and still trying to figure it out. As horrible, and potentially morbid(maybe) it sounds, something gigantic needs to happen to me. Huge, life-shaking. It needs to push me into some extreme. I need fate to decide where I will go. If someone needs to die, or get sick, or go broke, or face a disaster, or a crisis, or something catastrophic, or (on a postive side) win the lottery, get a fantastic opprotunity, or make a discovery about something huge... that is what needs to happen. Of course I don't want the negative, but sometimes thats what it takes. If I don't find out where I'm going, I will wander aimlessly, I will be doomed to be unhappy. I'm going to be lost until I see a guide of great magnitude to run from/to.
Alas.. its not. No one cares, neither do I. Typical girl with typical problems? Growing up in the suburbs, going to private school, being not popular, not caring, etc etc.
What lies beyond this I wonder. The clock is ticking and I'm no closer to knowing. You never know until you get there. I wish.. I just wish that my future self would visit me, not necessarily tell me what I will become, but, just tell me "Everything will be ok.."
I don't want infinite hapiness, I don't want infinite wealth. I just want to be ok. I wish I was luckier, I wish my life had more perks. I wish I could get win something important to me which right now (shallowly) constitutes as the following:
- Being editor of the paper
- Get in the top quintile
- Finding something I'm truly interested in doing for a living.
- Winning an award from a teacher at the end of the year.
- Etc.
I just want something, anything, to just live for and fight for. After all, what am I doing?? I'm going to school, for what? My education.. for a college.. for a career.. but what career? If I don't know what goal I'm trying to achieve, how can I strive for it. I feel like I'm drifting, waiting to hit something in a sea of total emptiness. To continue this metaphor, here are some possible scenarios (note: these symbolize my future):
- I hit an island, its tiny, no way out. I'm stuck for life; miserable, alone, stuck.
- I hit a chain of tiny islands, I go from one to another, it's still a trap.
- I hit a major island, I meet some people.. better off than before.
- (skipping some) I was up on the mainland, I find people, I find opprotunity.
I don't care what the meaning of all life is.. just mine. I'm someone with no particular interests, strengths, or weaknesses. I'm stuck in the middle, stuck in the average. That's who I am. My life isn't particularly happy, but it isn't sad either. I wish I could be an extreme at something. People at extremes have a direction. They can either work for or against their condition. I'm in the middle and I'm a very avoidant decision maker. I'll be 90 and still trying to figure it out. As horrible, and potentially morbid(maybe) it sounds, something gigantic needs to happen to me. Huge, life-shaking. It needs to push me into some extreme. I need fate to decide where I will go. If someone needs to die, or get sick, or go broke, or face a disaster, or a crisis, or something catastrophic, or (on a postive side) win the lottery, get a fantastic opprotunity, or make a discovery about something huge... that is what needs to happen. Of course I don't want the negative, but sometimes thats what it takes. If I don't find out where I'm going, I will wander aimlessly, I will be doomed to be unhappy. I'm going to be lost until I see a guide of great magnitude to run from/to.
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no subject
Date: 2003-03-09 07:57 pm (UTC)popularity is highly overrated.
getting in the top quintile = not a big deal. also not hard, you just have to hang in there.
YOU have a million little talents and random things that set you apart from everyone else. that's what makes you more than average. i know that i, for one, always try to be the best in everything, and what happens is that i end up being GOOD at everything, but not the best, and then that makes me sink back into the masses b/c i'm not fantastic enough at one thing to stand out. it's way more logical, and ultimately happier, to do one thing that you love, and do it well, and do it exceptionally.
i don't know you that well, but i know you've a fantastic web designer. if you love doing that, you should study it. there are probably a bunch of things you love doing that i don't even know about. just take a second to think about it, you know? what happened with me was, when i went to usc, so many people were asking me about my major that i was overwhelmed. but everything that i'd been thinking about the future just kinda came together, so when i came out of my initial shock from everyone's insistence on knowing the future NOW, i had an answer, and i knew. it just kind of came together, and popped out. i actually had an answer for these people, and i knew what i wanted to do. you don't need to worry about it for now. you can decide when you HAVE to, but don't spend your time lamenting over this when you could be enjoying life.
or being overly and stupidly dramatic, like i am. wooo. sorry about that, sarah. i'm all weird vibe-y since i came back. tomorrow's going to be weird, being back in high school...
joyce
no subject
Date: 2003-03-10 03:08 pm (UTC)I guess I sound like I'm lamenting a lot; really, I'm just pondering what it is to be me: what bugs me/makes me happy so I know what to shoot for or avoid. Yeah, I like a lot of stuff. Currently now, yes, web design is a serious interest. The problem, however, lies in that I can't stick with anything for a long time. I like stuff but then I get bored. I'm worried that's the case. It also often bothers me also that I can be "good" at a lot of stuff, but never be the best, at least among people I know. I'm worried about spending so much time on something that I end up hating it, i.e. Major then be SOL if I hate it and don't want to do anything related to it. That's what happened to my dad, he was a history/political science major but got tired of it and is now a programmer/project manager. He hates his job, I don't want to be like that. I wish I could discover the be-all-end-all interest that would capture me for life, but it doesn't happen. People make an average of like.. 5 different career swaps (I've heard). I don't know, I think it just sucks how we have to play psychics and try and forsee, "ahh.. what will make 30-something year old sarah happy.." I'm having problems since I don't have serious enough interests, strengths, or weaknesses to sway myself into a general area of study.
You bring up valid points. (sorry.. skipping around, I'm always flaky after school) Popularity isn't everything. Popularity is actually something I try to avoid, it means little to me just, it was just a quality I listed that maybe would make my life not very interesting to the common passerby. The only time it ever gets to me is when I want something like NHS officer or Editor and I can't get it because everyone knows/loves someone else better. But truly, that's the only time.
anyway, many thanks Joyce. You are always awesome and full of good advice.