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transomwhiplassI feel invisible..
I have only talked to 3 people over vacation: one not at the school, one not in the "group", one being alex.
It's sad how I loose communication with people on vacations, or.. well.. I don't try to. It just happens.
Oh wait, I lied.. Mizu called about our holiday reading assignment, does that count?
Lalala.. lonely.. lalala lonely..
I spent the entire day playing Empire Earth - world conquest game, followed off by Black & White (where you are a god vs. other gods), then the Sims (basically controlling little people).. I think my ego has grown 100 fold if not more. I've been running around wearing my SAA afghan as a cape. I think I'm obsessed with being in control of everything and I enjoy playing god.. haha... original sin... I GOT AN A ON MY MORALITY FINAL AND A 100 FOR THE QUARTER....
School starts monday and that sucks a lot....
I can't even fit into the web design-y cliques, I can like.. feel the girls on the message board giving me weird looks. LOL.. I know.. I'm crazy, too much computer for Sa-rah. But truly, these are 12-15 year olds and they all have sites that look the same with various cute-stuffs.... I can't fit in on the internet. Something is wrong with me. It was never this hard, I'm so out of practice at creating pseudo-identities online. I think that is how I got my whole pseudo-identity complex in real life. I did it online for 3 years, it became my reality, so its funny that I can't do that anymore but I do what I do know more than ever... that makes sense to no one.. I guarentee it. If you think that it makes sense: turn of the computer, lie on your bed, and re-think your life.
Its 2 in the morning, yum pop. You want to know what is sick?? I AM. I've been brewing in my house for weeks coming up with silent grudges against people I haven't talked to in weeks. I've gotten angry at people without being in contact with them. I think that's sick... but then again, I'm still pissed off at people and I feel justified.. but I know I don't have good reason? I have a problem, I'm an obsessivly-high avoidant individual, yet.. I go crazy when I'm cut off from people. I think that I feel like "I" need to make the choice to get away from people, people should be around to do my bidding/entertain me and when I am bored or feel uncomfortable, I can just send them away. Maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I've been playing supreme "over-lord" as anthony calls it wayyy to long. Of course I am wearing an afghan as a cape and feeling supreme and divine at the same time at 2 in the morning.
This is the crazy ramble of an insane girl, who will most likely never grow up and will be the oldest 12 year old ever to exist.
I made myself promises at early ages, such as quitting bad habits and what not. "I won't do this when I'm older.. I would be to embarressed/grown up to do it then.. I won't worry about it now.. I will stop in time".. basically biting my nails.. which I do stop.. when I feel inclined.. I have to say.. finals really hurt my spree.... x_x. Anyway.. but it's funny cos' find myself doing all the same stuff now and I don't feel any different than I did when I was younger. As I think about it, I don't accept myself as a high school student or even one who is now over half way done with it. I feel the same as I did in elementary school, the same in middle school, even in pre-school. I still feel just as thoughtful, I live in my head the same amount. I don't feel like I got any smarter from pre-school to high-school, I feel like everything was just in my head waiting to be discovered. I have the same mindset at 16 as I did at 12, 6, and 4. Now of course, I might not say stuff and do things that I did back then, such as jumping off a coffee table for a balloon thus breaking my arm. But if it was now, and I hadn't done it then.. I probably would do it, except I can reach balloons at high places now. Hehe.. I should sleep.
I was at someone yesterday for doing something stupid, and I realized I sound just like my mom. Like.. a perfect mimic in voice: pitch, tone, volume.. I hit all the increases. I sounded like her. It scared my shitless.... ughh.... no wonder nora says I'm annoying... my mom has the shrillest yelll.... ugh x_x.. I have to work on my "HEY!" "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING" of course that sounds like a parent.. from now on I will say "WHAT THE @#%&@#& ARE YOU DOING MORON?" hehe.... that doesn't sound mature at all...
Okie.. I'm going to sleep now, I think I do my best thinking when I'm sleep starved. I don't write for anyone but myself. After all, who really cares. I like to read about other people and their stuff, I'm interested in people. People, however, seem to insist they never reveal their true sides online. I see how that works, but I don't reveal much true in person. I would be shocked if someone really knew me, I barely know myself. But yeah.. so anyway.. I like to read about people, whether its true or not. I think everything written has a hint of truth, hints that add up to a puzzle. Again.. its funny for such and anti-people person to have such an interest in them. However.. that might be my demi-god complex coming through again.
So, I've been trying to close for several paragraphs now. I would like to close in song, a battle hymn created word-by word, today.
Sarah the Great! Oh yes she is so great. She knocks down buildings and conquers Gauls. Oh yes she is so great.
OH NO! Look, look, The walls being torn down, oh see how Sarah frowns, death.. death.. DEATH!
But wait, wait, do not be afraid.. the prophet gave them the plague!! Hoo-ray!
We progress through the ages, sack the Carthiginians and stick their people in cages.
Oh Sarah, Sarah she's so Great, she has lead her people to the gates.
BOOM! BANG! Now she gave them guns, they have lots of guns, now they can blow up peole who are so very sloooow.
Now she has the A-Bomb.. hear them how they drop. The whistle down and then all are gone! The sounds of agony.. whee! Fly the nukes around... blow away everything around. She rules them all, TAKE THAT GAUL! Sarah is the Great.
It took me 7 hours to finish that game. I know I had other verses, other tunes. I'm shocked I remembered that much. Ok.. no but seriously now.. time to sleep!
I have only talked to 3 people over vacation: one not at the school, one not in the "group", one being alex.
It's sad how I loose communication with people on vacations, or.. well.. I don't try to. It just happens.
Oh wait, I lied.. Mizu called about our holiday reading assignment, does that count?
Lalala.. lonely.. lalala lonely..
I spent the entire day playing Empire Earth - world conquest game, followed off by Black & White (where you are a god vs. other gods), then the Sims (basically controlling little people).. I think my ego has grown 100 fold if not more. I've been running around wearing my SAA afghan as a cape. I think I'm obsessed with being in control of everything and I enjoy playing god.. haha... original sin... I GOT AN A ON MY MORALITY FINAL AND A 100 FOR THE QUARTER....
School starts monday and that sucks a lot....
I can't even fit into the web design-y cliques, I can like.. feel the girls on the message board giving me weird looks. LOL.. I know.. I'm crazy, too much computer for Sa-rah. But truly, these are 12-15 year olds and they all have sites that look the same with various cute-stuffs.... I can't fit in on the internet. Something is wrong with me. It was never this hard, I'm so out of practice at creating pseudo-identities online. I think that is how I got my whole pseudo-identity complex in real life. I did it online for 3 years, it became my reality, so its funny that I can't do that anymore but I do what I do know more than ever... that makes sense to no one.. I guarentee it. If you think that it makes sense: turn of the computer, lie on your bed, and re-think your life.
Its 2 in the morning, yum pop. You want to know what is sick?? I AM. I've been brewing in my house for weeks coming up with silent grudges against people I haven't talked to in weeks. I've gotten angry at people without being in contact with them. I think that's sick... but then again, I'm still pissed off at people and I feel justified.. but I know I don't have good reason? I have a problem, I'm an obsessivly-high avoidant individual, yet.. I go crazy when I'm cut off from people. I think that I feel like "I" need to make the choice to get away from people, people should be around to do my bidding/entertain me and when I am bored or feel uncomfortable, I can just send them away. Maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I've been playing supreme "over-lord" as anthony calls it wayyy to long. Of course I am wearing an afghan as a cape and feeling supreme and divine at the same time at 2 in the morning.
This is the crazy ramble of an insane girl, who will most likely never grow up and will be the oldest 12 year old ever to exist.
I made myself promises at early ages, such as quitting bad habits and what not. "I won't do this when I'm older.. I would be to embarressed/grown up to do it then.. I won't worry about it now.. I will stop in time".. basically biting my nails.. which I do stop.. when I feel inclined.. I have to say.. finals really hurt my spree.... x_x. Anyway.. but it's funny cos' find myself doing all the same stuff now and I don't feel any different than I did when I was younger. As I think about it, I don't accept myself as a high school student or even one who is now over half way done with it. I feel the same as I did in elementary school, the same in middle school, even in pre-school. I still feel just as thoughtful, I live in my head the same amount. I don't feel like I got any smarter from pre-school to high-school, I feel like everything was just in my head waiting to be discovered. I have the same mindset at 16 as I did at 12, 6, and 4. Now of course, I might not say stuff and do things that I did back then, such as jumping off a coffee table for a balloon thus breaking my arm. But if it was now, and I hadn't done it then.. I probably would do it, except I can reach balloons at high places now. Hehe.. I should sleep.
I was at someone yesterday for doing something stupid, and I realized I sound just like my mom. Like.. a perfect mimic in voice: pitch, tone, volume.. I hit all the increases. I sounded like her. It scared my shitless.... ughh.... no wonder nora says I'm annoying... my mom has the shrillest yelll.... ugh x_x.. I have to work on my "HEY!" "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING" of course that sounds like a parent.. from now on I will say "WHAT THE @#%&@#& ARE YOU DOING MORON?" hehe.... that doesn't sound mature at all...
Okie.. I'm going to sleep now, I think I do my best thinking when I'm sleep starved. I don't write for anyone but myself. After all, who really cares. I like to read about other people and their stuff, I'm interested in people. People, however, seem to insist they never reveal their true sides online. I see how that works, but I don't reveal much true in person. I would be shocked if someone really knew me, I barely know myself. But yeah.. so anyway.. I like to read about people, whether its true or not. I think everything written has a hint of truth, hints that add up to a puzzle. Again.. its funny for such and anti-people person to have such an interest in them. However.. that might be my demi-god complex coming through again.
So, I've been trying to close for several paragraphs now. I would like to close in song, a battle hymn created word-by word, today.
Sarah the Great! Oh yes she is so great. She knocks down buildings and conquers Gauls. Oh yes she is so great.
OH NO! Look, look, The walls being torn down, oh see how Sarah frowns, death.. death.. DEATH!
But wait, wait, do not be afraid.. the prophet gave them the plague!! Hoo-ray!
We progress through the ages, sack the Carthiginians and stick their people in cages.
Oh Sarah, Sarah she's so Great, she has lead her people to the gates.
BOOM! BANG! Now she gave them guns, they have lots of guns, now they can blow up peole who are so very sloooow.
Now she has the A-Bomb.. hear them how they drop. The whistle down and then all are gone! The sounds of agony.. whee! Fly the nukes around... blow away everything around. She rules them all, TAKE THAT GAUL! Sarah is the Great.
It took me 7 hours to finish that game. I know I had other verses, other tunes. I'm shocked I remembered that much. Ok.. no but seriously now.. time to sleep!
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no subject
Date: 2003-01-04 11:54 am (UTC)kegger?
Date: 2003-01-04 05:32 pm (UTC)who said I want to play with all of you?? :P All I need is me, and a game where I have lots of minions to do my bidding. I think everyone in real life is hip to my tricks and I can't fool anyone into doing what I want anymore.
I'm sorry I didn't have a "parTAY" but my house is such shit, and my grandma's been here. Not to mention all the silent grudges I've been harboring for no reason. I suspect you only read the first paragraph of my insane ramble, which was actually quite thoughtful. Sooo.. anyway, yes there were 2 parties this vacation, at the beginning. I was barely at yours (not you fault) and no one came to Niki's. There was just us original groupies minus Jenfu. It was fun and I felt everyone was wearing their true colors even yoooou! I've decided boys mess up everything.... haha. They make things so much more complicated, don't freak Alex if you read this. You are still special to the "new" group, but to be part of the immaculatly fantastic original one, you have to be wacked on girly-hormones. XD Ok.. so back to rambling I am. School starts soon.
Its funny, just like I mentioned twice in above post. I hate people cos' I miss them, and miss them cos' I hate them. I have love/hate relationships with everything. So don't freak out, anyone who cares.
Re: kegger?
Date: 2003-01-05 11:02 am (UTC)