i just feel so stupid...

today.... it was horrible... I feel completely stripped of all my dignity... I feel like nothing.. I feel like I'm totally worth nothing... is this what SAA has done?

I don't think I can blame SAA.. its always sort of been like this.... I just expect for things to turn out ok... my hunches are almost always right... I just live day by day.. I get through.. I plow on.... well.... today my hunch totally screwed me....

I got Pre-Calculus back.... remember, I predicted B... I can't even believe I even considered I could get an A with corrections... I needed a high grade... Trignometry is killing me.... no matter what I do... I can't follow ms. ashmore..... when I think about going to see her.... I think that I understand it... something happens..... the information clicks...... but then.. this.. something like this....

I got a 60 with potential of a 65 with test corrections..... I don't know what to do....... I'm not totally fucked over yet.... when I got the test back... I was in total shock.... I just looked blankly off into space..... I couldn't believe it....... and it hurt so bad..... it physically hurt.... I didn't want to cry..... I didn't feel like I needed to.. I tried to reassure myself... but I got that feeling.. that one in the back of your throat.... if you don't cry.... it just hurts more and more and more untill you finally do and let it out..... it was choking me.. I couldn't cry in the middle of class.... I didn't want to I didn't need to..... it was horrible... Ms. Ashmore noticed.. we are going to "work things out" on monday..... I just don't know what to do...... here is what I have to do to get an A for the semester..after all, thats what counts:

-Get my 2 fucking homework points back.... then I can get 2 whole points tagged on my average
-I got a 96 last quarter.... so to average I have to get at least an 84 granting I get a good grade on my final...
-Figure this out before finals

its just killing me..... I haven't told my mom.... usually I do because it makes me feel better... but I don't think it possibly can this time.....

English was... well..... fuck ..... I printed spark notes.. ha.. never looked at them.... when I did I realized why they were so long.... I had just printed the text ... oh well

Hrm..... I'm glad I read..... Mizu, those questions you were hung up on... well the answers you looked up were wrong anyway... there was stuff I just didn't know.... why is she so nit-picky?!??!?!?!?! it doesn't make sense...... at all..... it was horrible..... why does she ask questions like that?? when I take one of her quizzes..... I don't expect it feasible to get a 100 or even an A..... I just learn as much I can and then spit out answers I know hoping to hit a few targets.. THAT ISN'T HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO BE! Aren't we supposed to learn things?? Is any of this information important???? NO! Does the amount I know prove that I read?? YES! At least I think so..... I get the MAIN IMPORTANT THINGS..... so what is the point of these quizzes...... to kill us... to make us feel worthless....... AP English is so fucked up I can't even describe my rage.... I understand ms tallman is a good person..... I understand she is supposed to be a good teacher..... but I have no idea because she hasn't taught me a damn thing yet...... I'm just so frustrated.....

how come junior year, your most important year at high school grade wise.... is the year all your teachers try to kill you?? this is college prepratory.... they are supposed to help us get to a high level of learning... they are supposed to make us competitive in the better schools....... don't they want us to go to good colleges?? I don't get this... I know from research.... I could get into several schools no problem that have really great programs.... I guess that should comfort me.... I know I shouldn't look at a schools label.... the "name" I just can't... its like how the media portrays women... I know its all bullshit.... but I can't stop believing it..... plus.... these schools are in undesirable locations... such as Iowa..... and such..... so I don't know.....

skelly came and talked to us in history.... she talked about honor codes and how we should rat out our classmates for "veritas" but she also threw in our "class rank being stolen from us" "we are stupid not to report" I don't know what I would do... actually I do..... I would turn in a girl who cheated.... if I knew she was that much higher up.... I mean.... cheating rings... thats really peverse... our junior class is really messed up..... I know things go on... but I'm so not in on that chain of information.... its funny how they preach to the people who have no idea what the hell is going on...... the only people that really do are those in on it.... girls at SAA are loyal... to eachother.... not to the school.......

shit I'm so pissed off....... and I just watched a really stupid movie... I guess it had a good moral but it really pissed me off about the girls at our school...... its so hard going to a school full of rich, pretty, and smart girls......... well...... they seem to be cheaters, drinkers and smokers...... I hope that smashes them in the face..... I hope they get to college and realize they don't know whats going on.... I hope they drop out after getting their M.R.S., I hope they become valium addicted housewives with 2 children stuck in a big house everyday while their husbands bang their secretaries.... I hope they totally hate their lives someday......

I know thats spiteful.... completely... and its really hateful..... but everyday in morality.... erin higgins talks the whole time.... she flashes her oh-so-innocent grin at ms doyle... she totally disprespects her...... she is such a stuck up bitch.... one time in class erin looked at me.... at I could totally see that she thought I was nothing.... she just smirked and had this look like.. "you are such dirt" ..... ugh... i'm going to stop now... im already upset enough