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sarah's life in retrospective..
Sep. 12th, 2002 10:07 pmI've been so busy working and/or procrastinating that I haven't posted in quite a while... I'm too tired to post anything thourough... honestly... I can't remember much.. but today... I like.. totally freaked out in morality .. it was really wierd:
Today Ms. Doyle wasn't here but we knew that before time (jury duty) so we had a sub and an open lab sort of thing where we could read the assignment, finish our journal, or do homework. I chose to do my homework... pre-cal.. didn't want to lug that book home and back.. ok... so class started.. and our whole class was like, empty.... suddenly girls started coming back from Strake..they may have been Spanish takers.. but I think were taking AP sciences... when I saw them... for some reason.. I got really really angry at myself... I just started thinking... "oh my god sarah.. you are so stupid... look at those girls.. they made worse grades than you in classes last year.. but they are better than you"... I don't know why I was thinking that... it just started... but I got involved with my pre-cal for a while and stopped thinking about it.. a little while on... some girls started talking about the history test: daniella J., jennifer K. (the girl "3 massachusettses?"), and pamela N. they kept talking about the test... I just felt.. like.... compelled to start screaming.... it was horrible.... I thought I was seriously going ot jump out of my skin.... I had already taken the test... but having them talk about it.... I just was like... triggered into this freak out.... I felt sick, dizzy, angry, and confused... earlier emotions mixed together.. I was like... consumed with depression for some reason... and it was really scary... because I do not do any of the "bad activities" associated with depression... but I caught myself poking my hand with my pencil repeatedly and biting my lip.... I was really scared.. I don't even know why having them talk about the test triggered all this stuff... but I just felt so consumed... what they were saying was all wrong... they had all these wrong answers.. and pamela was telling jennifer "oh you go that wrong" and I was trying to keep from screaming "YOU ARE BOTH WRONG.. YOU ARE SO WRONG... SHUT UP... JUST SHUT UP" I have become antsy at times... I will fidget.. stuff just starts to bug me... and I get all these ticks... but today was the first time I really felt consumed by this.. and I really came close to like... having a massive freak out.... but there's more.. a little later on... I had totally gotten into my homework when I heard some whisperings about the latin club.. something that I had, on my own initiative.. tried to refuel with mr zoch and kristen.. suddenly during latin... all these girls are like "IM GOING TO BE CONSUL" .... that was my idea... they stole my idea... and you know what, they are so much nicer and smarter... they probably will be too..... when I heard "latin club" I grabbed the bathroom pass and went to the bathroom.... my pulse had quickened, my face was really pale, and my hand felt kind of clammy... i don't know what happened... i just felt so consumed, i just wanted to wish myself out of the room... like... into a blank space... my thoughts were so terrible.. I really scared myself... I told my mom.. and she thinks it could be the combination of not eating lunch, PMS, and getting little sleep last night... all true.... like i said... I have gotten really uncomfortable before.. like... I just want to disappear from the situation... but today was the worst
-I answered 4 questions in AC... go me... no Lori = fun fun fun
-Dropped off Frankie...we had like nothing to say to eachother.. it was kind of saad
-Went to a College Night thing for "colleges that change lives" saw lauren o'neill who has become a bitch and an Über Latin Suck up... she is awful... also saw margo perkins and a guy from middle & elementary school
-Physics quiz easy after I calmed down and realized I could do all the problems, easy
-Going to Rice thing tomorrow .. need to do Morality journal
-Need to get some sleep.. maybe burn a nice CD full of stupid songs.. yes.. that is nice
Today Ms. Doyle wasn't here but we knew that before time (jury duty) so we had a sub and an open lab sort of thing where we could read the assignment, finish our journal, or do homework. I chose to do my homework... pre-cal.. didn't want to lug that book home and back.. ok... so class started.. and our whole class was like, empty.... suddenly girls started coming back from Strake..they may have been Spanish takers.. but I think were taking AP sciences... when I saw them... for some reason.. I got really really angry at myself... I just started thinking... "oh my god sarah.. you are so stupid... look at those girls.. they made worse grades than you in classes last year.. but they are better than you"... I don't know why I was thinking that... it just started... but I got involved with my pre-cal for a while and stopped thinking about it.. a little while on... some girls started talking about the history test: daniella J., jennifer K. (the girl "3 massachusettses?"), and pamela N. they kept talking about the test... I just felt.. like.... compelled to start screaming.... it was horrible.... I thought I was seriously going ot jump out of my skin.... I had already taken the test... but having them talk about it.... I just was like... triggered into this freak out.... I felt sick, dizzy, angry, and confused... earlier emotions mixed together.. I was like... consumed with depression for some reason... and it was really scary... because I do not do any of the "bad activities" associated with depression... but I caught myself poking my hand with my pencil repeatedly and biting my lip.... I was really scared.. I don't even know why having them talk about the test triggered all this stuff... but I just felt so consumed... what they were saying was all wrong... they had all these wrong answers.. and pamela was telling jennifer "oh you go that wrong" and I was trying to keep from screaming "YOU ARE BOTH WRONG.. YOU ARE SO WRONG... SHUT UP... JUST SHUT UP" I have become antsy at times... I will fidget.. stuff just starts to bug me... and I get all these ticks... but today was the first time I really felt consumed by this.. and I really came close to like... having a massive freak out.... but there's more.. a little later on... I had totally gotten into my homework when I heard some whisperings about the latin club.. something that I had, on my own initiative.. tried to refuel with mr zoch and kristen.. suddenly during latin... all these girls are like "IM GOING TO BE CONSUL" .... that was my idea... they stole my idea... and you know what, they are so much nicer and smarter... they probably will be too..... when I heard "latin club" I grabbed the bathroom pass and went to the bathroom.... my pulse had quickened, my face was really pale, and my hand felt kind of clammy... i don't know what happened... i just felt so consumed, i just wanted to wish myself out of the room... like... into a blank space... my thoughts were so terrible.. I really scared myself... I told my mom.. and she thinks it could be the combination of not eating lunch, PMS, and getting little sleep last night... all true.... like i said... I have gotten really uncomfortable before.. like... I just want to disappear from the situation... but today was the worst
-I answered 4 questions in AC... go me... no Lori = fun fun fun
-Dropped off Frankie...we had like nothing to say to eachother.. it was kind of saad
-Went to a College Night thing for "colleges that change lives" saw lauren o'neill who has become a bitch and an Über Latin Suck up... she is awful... also saw margo perkins and a guy from middle & elementary school
-Physics quiz easy after I calmed down and realized I could do all the problems, easy
-Going to Rice thing tomorrow .. need to do Morality journal
-Need to get some sleep.. maybe burn a nice CD full of stupid songs.. yes.. that is nice
