fuckity fuck fuck fucky fuck

I hate orchestra... I hope it dies.... I hope it explodes.. and just goes away... I **tried** to practive the orchestra music on my shit violin... I've been playing ok at orchestra.. but all the sudden I can't... I feel really stupid... like.. well.... I didn't practice at all this summer.. I have all but quit... Ms. Hemphill fired me... she is sort of firing my brother now... she is "closing down the studio", downsizing... eh.... my mom tells everyone "oh she has pretty much quit" thats what I am to her "a quitter".. I sucked away money since 3rd grade so I can quit now... I'm stupid... I can't do anything... if only I would practiced from then until now... I would be amazing.... but I didn't... I always looked at violin playing as something "I did", "for myself", "when I wanted to" but then I confused people into thinking that I was doing it for "them", "for my parents", etc... and I think I mentioned before in different context.. "you can't live for something or someone else because there is always a chance it will be taken away or will disappear. Then look at the situation you are in.. you feel like you might as well die.. just disappear like what you were living for" its the same thing with violin.. I can't play for someone else.. if I was playing for a scholarship.... someone else could take it... if I was playing for my teacher... she would drop me... I have always played for myself... if I had played for something else... I would have quit along time ago.. I don't think I quit violin... people don't understand.. you can't just "quit" something that you have done for so long.. even if you want to, which I don't..something keeps you leashed to it.. violin is part of the history of Sarah.. I can't change the past..... playing for so long has drilled it into my mind.. I will always be able to play it... maybe the quality won't be that good... but I will be able to play.. I don't know.... I haven't quit... I hate people saying "oh.. sarah quit.. pretty much" the only one who can quit is me... its MY conscious decision... people telling others that I quit.... fuck them.. and you know what... because they say I already did.. makes me not want to even more.... this is a long ramble... its messed up.... I'm just really pissed.... I want to quit orchestra... I just don't want to do it... I can't its too stupid.... ugh... but I want my letterjacket... I've earned.... the only thing is I need to stay on good terms until I get it..... fuck..... that or I become the next megan martin... UBERFUCK! So I don't know.... I guess I can't tell everything to fuck off... but I'm going to try